Introducing…the Donspiracist!

Ladies and gentlemen, I am very excited to bring to you the latest member of the jonnygoodtimes.com staff, the Donspiracist. The Donspiracist is going to be looking a little closer at some things that deserve a 2nd look. He begins with this column, on 9/11.
In his very entertaining book of essays Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs, Chuck Klosterman writes about a pre-9/11 email he sent his friends asking them to make a choice. Would they rather go on blind date with someone they knew was attractive and successful? Or would they prefer to go on a blind date with someone who was attractive, successful, and “very patriotic”? Almost immediately, all his friends responded that they would date the first person. Klosterman claims he wasn’t surprised, nor am I. A quick poll of my friends and co-workers returns similar results.

Why is it that so many of us think of patriotic people as undateable? Even in this post-9/11 age where one’s willingness to express love for America is a kind of litmus test, I secretly believe patriotic people are lousy in bed and would make dull significant others.

Why?

Continue reading “Introducing…the Donspiracist!” →

Around the Horn, broght to you by Lucia

-Sunday is the last day to get your sequels in, so get ’em done.

–Stephen A. Smith gets demoted by the Inky. Hallelujah! A talentless hack who couldn’t write his way out of a paper bag, I really hope he quits and gets out of this city.

-It was on this date in 79 AD that Vesuvius erupted and buried Pompeii, killing everyone, even the hookers. But the Best Little Whorehouse in Pompeii is still there!

-Mmmm, Fast Fixins Frozen Chicken Strips. Now with mercury and shards of glass!

NEWSFLASH!!!!!!

Holy Freaking Cow! Just got an astounding message from Smackdown: American Gladiators is coming back! That’s right, NBC is putting together a new season of Gladiators! God Bless you NBC! And NBC, do me this favor: Please, Please bring back Malibu, I don’t care how old and out of shape he is now.

Castro takes the Field

A’ight, I’m headed off to CB Park to watch a little baseball. Last night’s 15-3 is meaningless. Win today and we take the series. But it don’t look good. As the moderately insane are quite aware, the Phillies always s*** the bed in the businessman’s special. And we’ve got Fabio Castro making his first start, and I’m not feeling real good about that. This is was the perfect opportunity for a fan group, though. Fabio’s Castros, a group of guys with all green fatigues and long beards. Or Fabio’s Fabios, a group of meatheads in pink shirts who have long, gorgeous golden locks
P.S. Keep those worst sequels coming! Yes, you may post more than one. We’ll vote next week.

Around the Horn, brought to you by Wilt the Stilt in Conan the Destroyer

-Here’s Entertainment Weekly’s list of the actual worst sequels ever.

-Rangers, who had struck out 30 tomes and scored two runs in their previous two games, beat the Orioles, 30-3. The best part was that the Orioles at one point had a 3-0 lead.

-This is pretty awesome. 59 year old playing on a college football team. Which reminds me, I have four years of eligibility left…

-Damn, I swear all the great concerts happen on Thrsdays, when I gotta work. Tonight, G. Love and Special Sauce at Penn’s Landing.

The Metro Column

In case you haven’t had a chance to pick one up, here’s this weeks column. Yep you guessed it, it’s my ideas for worst sequels.

Things we learned last week

Here’s a few questions from last weeks quizzo, with a little more background info on the answers:
1) Rainey Bethea was executed on August 14, 1936. What made his execution unique in the United States?
A: He was the last person executed publicly. The reason we haven’t done it again is because it didn’t go so well. The hangman was wasted.

2) What fighter on Mike Tyson’s Punchout hailed from Philadelphia?
A: Mr. Sandman. If you really wanna waste 2 minutes of your life, watch this uber-nerd get beat up by Mr. Sandman. Eerily compelling.

3) One of the worst movies ever made was also one of 1998s most lucrative. It’s tagline was, “For Love. For Honor. For Mankind”.
A: Armageddon. Here was Roger Eberts review of this tripe.

4) What religion runs the “Psychiatry: A History of Death Museum”?
A: Scientology. Yes, this museum actually exists. Here is a video tour of the museum. To be honest, this museum looks freaking awesome.

5) Who did Elvis meet with on December 21, 1970 to express his contempt for the drug culture, and producing one of the most amazing photos ever?
A: Richard Nixon. Here’s that photo and a little background on it.

6) Hugh Beaumont is best known for playing what character on TV?
A: Ward Cleaver. After leaving the show he became a Christmas tree salesman. Hugh Beaumont rules.

Around the Horn, brought to you by Erin Gray

-It was 96 years ago today that the French noticed something. “Hey, wasn’t there a picture of a lady where that empty frame is now?” Except they said it in French: “Perdon moi, parlez vous un pictorio de femme en la framerie?”

–Here’s the latest from Trivia Art. Did he really think that the Independence Brew Pub was helping us get ahead at anything?

-If I ever rubbed an old lamp and a genie popped out, I’d wish for the same thing I woulda wished for as a kid: a time machine. (Of course, if I ever rubbed an old lamp, I’d probably just get a hand rash.) Anyways, scientists are saying that time travel will be possible in the future. But wait, if time travel is possible in the future, why aren’t any of those time travelers here now? They probably all went to the 20s, when the booze was flowin’ and the girls were easy.

-Hey, Philly just won an honorable mention for best tasting tap water! Get that ticker tape ready, it’s time to celebrate!

It’s contest time!!!

A’ight, I got a $20 gift certificate to the Bards and two IMAX passes to the winner of this contest, and a $15 gift certificate to Good Dog for 2nd place. It’s a sequel contest. You need to come up with the worst idea for a movie sequel that hasn’t been made, and a short plot outline. I want you to come up with some ideas so bad that they make Weekend at Bernies 2 actually not look like such a bad idea. I’ll go first:
It’s a Wonderful Life 2: Potter’s Revenge
Picks up shortly after the original left off. George Bailey still faces charges of Destruction of Property and a DUI after plowing into the tree before he jumped off the bridge. Potter sees an opportunity to put his rival behind bars, and hires Clarence Darrow (played by Spencer Tracy) to take the case. Things look hopeless for Bailey, until Uncle Billy exposes Potter’s darkest secret to the courtroom, and a mistrial is declared. Stan Musial makes his acting debut as Judge Rogers.

Post your ideas in the comment section below, and make sure you leave a name and an email address so I can contact you if you win. Have fun!

Happy B-Day Steve-O!

Happy birthday to Philadelphia underground legend Steve O (above, with Fabio). The Andy Reid impersonator/piano maestro/quizzo host/comedian/damn good guy turns 24 today. Or something close to that. His plans to celebrate? Playing quizzo at Dark Horse tonight. Steve also celebrated early by winning twice at quizzo last week. Go ahead and holla atcha boy Steve on Myspace or drop him best birthday wishes in the comments below. Steve, my birthday gift to you: I’m replacing Lionel Richie with you on my Myspace Top 12!