Great Mitch Hedberg Lines

Dunno if you guys know who Mitch Hedberg is, but he’s this hilarious comedian who died last year. I just stumbled across some of his great lines and thought I would share. Enjoy!
-Last night my friend drank 26 bottles of O’Douls… He is a non-alcoholic.
-I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
-I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
-I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
-I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
-I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
-I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
-I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, “I’m hungry,”… so it died.
-Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
-Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
-A waffle is like a pancake with syrup traps. It says to the syrup “You ain’t goin’ anywhere!”
-A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
-The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

Finally! A politician with vision!

This story rules! Alright, 19 year old dude runs for town council under the platform of “Less police officers”. A month after he loses, he robs a bank. He’s caught, then he escapes from the courthouse and disappears in Harrisburg. Let’s take these facts one at a time. First, did he run for city council in the hopes that he would get the police force reduced, and then rob the bank with a 50% less chance of getting caught? If so, this guy is a freaking genius. I guess after the loss, he was like, “Screw it. I’m robbing the bank anyway.” So he does it, gets caught, and then figures out an escape plan, complete with getaway car (getaway cars rule!) And he’s 19 years old? I don’t like to use the phrase wunderkind, but that’s what we may have here. Then he flees to the state capital. Will he try, against all odds, to revive his career there by giving an impassioned address on the capital floor, a la jimmy Stewart in “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington”? Stay tuned!

Johnny’s resume tape!!!

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Alright, peeps, here’s the video I sent into the 10! to get selected. Got to give mad props to my man D-Mac for recording this and making it digital. If you were a little bit on the fence as to whether or not I was a dork, I think this tape should settle that. Enjoy!

Per the last bit for those who don’t know: the previous host of the show, Lauren Hart, left the show for a singing career.

Parasitic wins the inaugural

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Parasitic won the first ever quizzo at Johnny’s grand experiment at Havana in New Hope. Things could have gotten ugly, as there were at first only seven people there, but thankfully a table of fifteen walked in and split up into three teams (Parasitic was one), and it ended up being pretty fun. While Johnny is somewhat of a household name to the nerds of Philadelphia, it’s gonna be interesting to see how things work out outside of the old comfort zone. It’s good though, because it is a reminder of how tough it was to get this thing rolling at first (I used to troll around Old City, trying to convince people to play at Nick’s Roast Beef). Yes, this story did just sway from the third person to the first person. You can handle it.

Yo!

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I’m going back to espagnol class after a layoff, so I’m not gonna be posting until the afternoon. In the meantime, enjoy this quote from figure skater Johnny Weird. “I know that a lot of people, especially the more Republican-style people, are very afraid of what I mean to the sport and what I’m going to say, what kind of revolutionary, crazy things are going to come out of my mouth. And good for them. They should be scared.” Revolutionary, huh? Did Che ever dress like a giant chicken?

Europeans rapidly losing their minds

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First the Austrians arrest a man for thinking he had a right to free speech, then the Germans have the nerve to arrest a man who came into the police station with a nearly half-pound bag of weed to complain about the fact that he had bought bad pot. I mean, for the love of God, you can’t even bring a giant bag of shake into a police station and demand that the police stop this schwag seller before he rips off somebody else w/o getting arrested yourself. It’s madness, I tell you. I just hope George Bush puts some pressure on the Germans to let this man go and go after the dealer of the brown frown. Because when you let dirt sellers go free, the terrorists win.