Alright, I’m gonna steal my question of the week from last night’s quizzo. John K. asked a question nobody got the right answer to, so I figured it would be hard enough to make the question of the week. I know what you’re thinking, “Johnny, what are the ethical implications of outright stealing a question from another quizmaster?” And I will answer that, if I learned anything from last night’s season finale of Grey’s Anatomy (more on that later), it’s that ethics must be compromised sometimes for love. I’m actually not sure how that ties in to this, but nonetheless, here goes, “What is the other official name of India?” I am not looking for Hindustan, which it is sometimes called, but is not an official name.
frustrating
I’d like to vote in today’s primaries, but I can’t. I’m registered Independant, so I’m not allowed to have a say in who runs for a variety of offices. To vote today, a person has to be signed on to one of the two bulls*** parties that are either a) brimming with spiteful ideas or b) incapable of forming an idea. I don’t want to pledge my support to either of these two parties, but I guess I’ll have to if I want to if I wanna be able to vote in any primaries. I mean, I understand why you have to be registered in the party to vote in primaries (otherwise Republicans would come out en masse to vote for weak Dem candidates, and vice versa), but it seems like there should be another option. I really don’t want to align myself with the ineffectual Democrats, and the day I register as a Republican is the day I want somebody to show up at quizzo with a gun and take me out of my misery.
Johnny Almost gets in fight at quizzo!
So me and Palestra Jon went to Dark Horse for quizzo, and these three people were beside us, including this one Irish guy who kept yelling out answers, albeit wrong ones. Now sometimes, when people’s wrong answers are funny, such outbursts are allowable. But when somebody is just obviously trying to be an ass****, if gets tiresome. The quizmaster tried, to no avail, to get him to stop. Finally, we got to a multiple choice question, and he shouts out one of the three choices. One of his teammates calls his name out, “Jimmy.” He turns around, a big drunken grin on his face. “Hey Jimmy,” I say loud enough for most people at the bar to hear. “Why don’t you quit being such a F****** DOUCHEBAG?!!!” There was a sort of gasp from the crowd. The quizmaster goes, “Calm down, Johnny.” The guy angrily responds, “I heard that.” I mean, what, of course he heard it, I said it right to him. So for the rest of the night he kept turning around and staring holes into my head. I didn’t return his glares. My object wasn’t to get into a fight, it was to get him to shut the hell up. And it worked. He never shouted out another answer. Man, I think I’ve got a little bit of Bobby Badtimes in me!
Headin’ home
Yop peeps, I finished up my European trip on Viriginia’s Eastern Shore, and am gettin ready to cruise back to Philly. I am looking forward to seeing everyone again this week. It was a long week without you guys. I hope you had a good weekend, and we’ll be back to our normal frivolity tommorrow.
Johnny Shocked to See Mayor McCheese at Taj Mahal
My vacation through scenic Europe continued today, as I visited the Taj Mahal. I didn’t even have time to change outta the clothes I wore yesterday! That’s what happens when you travel all over Europe. Anyways, I was surprised that Mayor McCheese made an appearance in thus Hindu nation. I can assure you, it didn’t go well. He was savagely beaten only moments after this photo was taken. Other than that, this part of the trip was great, although the appletinis aren’t as good as they are in Egypt. I hope things went well with Bobby. He assures me that things are even better than I left them. That’s great. Well, I’m looking forward to getting back to the states and seeing all of you next week. Boy, will I ahve some stories to tell!
Barry Bonds is good for baseball, you hypocrites
Philadelphia is the city that should be most ashamed of the way it treated Barry Bonds, because they were the most hypocritical about it. This is a city that prides itself on loving athletes who do whatever it takes to win, and yet when an athlete comes in here that has done everything possible, within the rules of the sport, to make himself better, he gets roundly booed. Bonds would have been given a standing ovation by the fans of Philadelphia if their actions backed up their words. As it is, they are all just boorish jerks looking for an excuse to boo.
Barry Bonds did steroids. So what? So did Phillies pitcher Ryan Franklin, but you don’t see Phillies fans booing him. At least, not until he starts pitching. And let’s face it; was it not brutally obvious that Mark McGuire and Sammy Sosa were on the juice during that great chase of ’98 that gave us all the fuzzies? So why does Barry not get treated like the star athlete that he is when he comes to Philly? Because he doesn’t operate under a facade of niceness, b/c his p.r. people don’t tell him to offer up a bunch of b.s. about “taking it one day at a time” and giving “110 percent”? You people always complain about how boring athletes are, then you get a guy who speaks his mind and you decide to hate him. Pathetic.
But what this really comes down to is the rules. Should Cy Young be villified b/c he was allowed to throw the spitball, which is now against the rules? No, so why should Bonds be villified for using steroids at a time when they were not only legal in baseball, but encouraged? It’s obvious that McGuire woulda never hit all those homers and gotten all those endorsement deals without the help of steroids, so why should Bonds be treated any differently than McGuire? The fact that baseball encouraged steroid use is baseball’s fault, not Bonds’s fault. He saw an opportunity to improve his game, and make himself better and his team better. And he did so in a way that he knew could potentially hurt his own health. He did what all the great ones do: He put it all on the line to improve his game within the framework of the rules. And you people, who call yourselves baseball fans, booed him. You just don’t know baseball.
My name is Bobby Badtimes. Beware my wrath!
Bobalicious
Oh, you thought I was kidding when I told you there were sexy dames all over me this week? I don’t lie, punks. So check out the evidence. I’m sure there will be even more dames rubbing their hands all over me tonight. I know you punks are jealous. You can like it, or you can hate it. But you better learn to love it.
Now, I know that the winning teams are wondering when they are going to get their pictures up. The answer? Whenever I feel like putting your f****** pictures up! It might be today, it might be tommorrow, it might be next week. I could care less about your team. I’m only interested in broads. You’re just gonna have to deal with it.
Free Stuff
I’m going to be giving away tix tonight to see the exceptionally funny Eugene Mirman at the Trocadero on Saturday night. You can read about the show on this week’s A-List in Philadelphia Weekly. I treat you people better than Johnny does. You know it’s true.
Related: Eugene Mirman’s website.
Johnny Awed by Ancient Pyramids, needs your help
Holy Cow! My tour of Europe continued today, as I toured the ancient pyramids of Egypt. Breathtaking! So much culture, such a rich history, such delicious appletinis! I tell ya, these bartenders here know how to make them. They say that they are inspired by Tutankhamen’s own recipe! How cool is that? I hope things are going ok with Bobby. He says that “sexy dame” participation is at an all time high this week. I hope that continues when I get back. But let’s face it, gals aren’t as crazy about a guy when he doesn’t have a permanent. Anybody got any suggestions for where I should visit manana? If so, type ’em below.
Help Da Kittens
Hey, Bobby B. here. As you might suspect, the only creatures dat love me as much as women are kittens (you sick f**** were expecting a pussy pun here, weren’t ya?). Anyways, I gets this email from the SPCA sayin’t that they need your help. So give it to ’em, or face the consequences! Here’s the deal. They got little kittens comin’ in, and dey is catchin’ diseases from cats with sniffles and colds. The kittens don’t got a strong enough immune system to fight off the colds, and they die. What the SPCA wants is some people who can just take in a kitten for a week or two, until it’s old enough and strong enough to fight off the cold. If you want more info on how you’se can help, or if you wanna adopt a pet, email Meghan at meghanfitz356@hotmail.com