This past week, the 100th person was murdered in the city of Philadelphia in 2007. Numerous writers made note of the “milestone”. But it seemed that most of them did what I think a lot of people are doing with this problem: find someone to blame. Several writers claimed that using the term “Killadelphia” would wake people up at City Hall, as if we could turn this thing around if the Mayor just came up with a committee of people in suits and ties sitting around a table. I’m not completely belittling their efforts, because I think that it’s important that we keep the heat on City Hall to come up with ideas to deal with the problem. But there is only one group of people in Philadelphia who can really make an impact on the murder rate, and that is the citizenry. As long as we lob grenades at easy targets, nothing will get accomplished. If you want to lower the murder rate in Philadelphia, then it’s up to YOU to do it. Not Mayor Street, not Sylvester Johnson, not the local media. YOU. You have the power to make a MAJOR IMPACT on the future of this city. Now do it.
MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
Bounty on MAGMA
MAGMA has been unstoppable since the Axis of Evil Knieval slipped away from the Good Dog. And their recent success has so emboldened them that Chris R. has even started hosting quizzo at Dirty Frank’s. That’s right, he thinks he can replace the immortal Irish John. Obviously, they need to be stopped, if not for my own good, then for humanity’s. So I’m putting up $20 in cash for any team that can knock them off tonight, in addition to the $30 you would take home for winning.
The Metro column
Here’s the latest in the Goodtimes Files. A couple of notes: First of all, I thought that it was the Sinatra Foutain. I asked the guy who had put the fountain there why they put a Sinatra fountain in Philly. He said, “It’s not a Sinatra Fountain. The songs are from the 40s, but they’re not Sinatra.” Thankfully, he didn’t add, “Way to do your homework, Bernstein.”
Also, when I arrived at the fountain, there was a stunningly beautiful young lady there with her mom. “Sweet!” I thought. “This writing gig is finally gonna pay off!” I asked them about the fountain, and the girl said, “We are from Poland. We don’t speak English.” That’s like the 10th girl this week that has told me that she didn’t speak English when I tried to put the moves on. There must be a convention in town or something.
This Season is Over
Anyone who thinks that the Phils won’t miss the wild card by a goddamm game again this year is kidding themselves. The season is over. And yes, we will look back on opening week and say, “Dagburnit, maybe we’d be in the playoffs if Shane Victorino had listened that day in f****** T-ball practice when the rest of us learned that we don’t f****** steal 3rd with a 2 run lead, 1 out and a left handed hitter at the plate. ESPECIALLY WHEN THAT HITTER IS RYAN F****** HOWARD!!!” Nope, apparently Victorino swallowed a ladybug or something and missed practice that day.
Well, I’ve got enough problems with anxiety that I don’t need this horses*** team to me any more riled up. The Phillies are dead to me. Good riddance. I’m going to get a new hobby. Like breakdancing or doing the dishes. I don’t need this b******* for the next 6 months. I don’t need it.
P.S. Don’t even get me started on the goddamm bullpen.
Around the Horn
-Best of luck Oli! Black Sheep regular Oliver (above, middle, looking like Dice Raw) is going, going, back, back, to Cali, Cali. Why? Because Cali’s got gunplay, models on the runway.
-What would happen if someone with Tourette’s woke up with a giant M & M beside their bed? (DUE TO FOUL LANGUAGE, THIS COULD NOT BE LESS SAFE FOR WORK UNLESS IT INVOLVED FARM ANIMALS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!)
-Are we at the high end of a housing bubble? You should ride the US Home Prices Roller Coaster to find out.
–The top 10 worst internet acquisitions ever. A reminder of how crazy the internet bubble was.
–This is incredible. Afer a little research, I found out the dude did it on purpose:
After Machuga clinched the title match with two strikes in the 10th frame, he surprised everyone by doing his famous “Machuga Flop”, hanging onto the ball and flinging himself down the lane. Since he never let go of the ball, there was no official rules violation, so Machuga followed that by striking on his final shot.
Happy Birthday!
Just wanted to wish a happy birthday to former Phil Scott Rolen! Although things didn’t really work…
{…uh, wait a second, what?… Reaaaaaally! It’s like that, huh? But there’s no reason to point blame at just one pers…oh, really? So I should just keep my mouth shut and go with the flow? But aren’t these things a two way str…no? So it was entirely his fault and there can be no discussion? Or you will physically beat me? Gotcha.}
…so where was I? Oh yeah, so f*** Scott Rolen.
Question of the Week
What small city was both the jumping off point for the Pony Express, which began on April 3, 1860; and was where Jesse James was killed on April 3, 1882?
Zamboni news
-Good news, gang. Driving Zamboni’s while intoxicated is not against the law, at least not in New Jersey. What’s everybody up to this weekend?
-However, you can be fired if you work at a rink and you decide to drive the Zamboni to Burger King.
-Should Canadians send a Zamboni to the moon to rearrange moon dust?
Eric WIns Barristers Bracket Challenge
Well, the Florida win propelled Eric (above, middle) past Smackdown and into the title at the 3rd Annual JGT Bracket Spectacular, brought to you by the good people at Barristers Bar and Grille. I actually watched the game there last night with Smackdown (below) and Trivia Art, as well as Brett the Barber from the Omelette. I thought I could make my move on Smackdown when the Ohio State loss was inevitable. However, when I asked her if she needed a shoulder to cry on, she said, “Thanks, JGT, but I’ve already got a couple. Get in line.” Then she left. So I thought that went well.
So congrats to Eric, who gets the $250, courtesy of Barristers Bar and Grille (1823 Sansom). And congrats to Chill Rob A, who finished 2nd. I’ll see if I can scrummage up a 2nd place prize. To show you what a predictable, boring tourney this was, one guy picked the favorite in every single game…and finished 3rd. Hey NCAA, might wanna throw a few Cinderellas into the mix and make things interesting next year. I hate to say it, but this years tourney was the most boring one ever.
Oh, in case you’re wondering, I finished 64th out of 75 teams. That’s because of a computer glitch in the system made it look like I made some really bad picks. If it wasn’t for that computer glitch, I probably would have finished in the top 10. Probably. We’ll never really know.
RELATED: Final standings of Barristers Bracket Challenge.
Opening Day
Alright, peeps, I’m heading out to CB Park for Opening Day. Sweet! Here’s a few great baseball quotes to commemorate the occasion:
People ask me what I do in winter when there’s no baseball. I’ll tell you what I do. I stare out the window and wait for spring. ~Rogers Hornsby
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base. ~Dave Barry
A hot dog at the ballgame beats roast beef at the Ritz. ~Humphrey Bogart
With those who don’t give a damn about baseball, I can only sympathize. I do not resent them. I am even willing to concede that many of them are physically clean, good to their mothers and in favor of world peace. But while the game is on, I can’t think of anything to say to them. ~Art Hill
Baseball is almost the only orderly thing in a very unorderly world. If you get three strikes, even the best lawyer in the world can’t get you off. ~Bill Veeck
When I began playing the game, baseball was about as gentlemanly as a kick in the crotch. ~Ty Cobb