Congratulations to Benny, who took first place in Round One of the Alf Landon Bad Writing Competition. He advances to the finals. We will pick our final two finalists this week. Here are 6 more entries, and I need you to vote for your least favorite one at the bottom. Voting ends Wednesday at 3:30 p.m.

• JOHN-Alf Landon capped off his Sunday communion breakfast with Adolph Hitler’s nephew, Yizzle Hitler, with a resounding kick to his solar plexus and surprise hand favor in the closet with the chairwoman of his dog grooming school.
• WILLIAM– Alf Landon. The words hung in my brain like a slimy newborn, yet to have the mucous wrenched from its trachea. The shitstorm of joy and treachery that marked the previous 3 months had finally come to an end, but the question remained: Just who was this man?
• RYAN– I inventoried the contents in my shabby 1992 Honda Civic, even though the contents never changed: One paperback of Christopher Marlowe’s King Lear. Check. One bladder of Franzia. Check. One vinyl copy of the 1974 L.P. “Nap Bastard” by eastern European jazz-fusion outfit The Perogi Prerogative–the most influential Prague-Rock group of that decade. Czech. I felt ready, but confidence alone does not a Hungry-Hungry Hippos Semi Finalist make. Even Alf Landon had confidence.
• BO– Rosita politely stifled her gag reflex as she choked down her mother-in-law’s dismal flan donging at her insides.
• BRIAN-Alf Landon was blind.
• BILL– We came here for two reasons,” said Tim, the camp’s chubby head counselor, “to eat smores and pray. I’m all out of marshmallow, so get on your knees y’all!” As little Alf Landon knelt down and took the hand of the boy next to him, he smiled, knowing that his mom was right about church camp.

OK, gang, it’s time to start voting in the First Annual Alf Landon Bad Writing Contest. We’re gonna divide this into three voting blocks, with the winner of each one going to the finals. Here are your first 6 entries. At the bottom, you can vote for which one you like the best. Voting for volume one ends tomorrow at 11:59 p.m. May the best worst Alf win!

HOWARD- Even though it was a brothel, it was still Kansas, and the Madame, with her 5 o’clock shadow, evoked Depression, not Lust; if I could carry only Maine and Vermont, Alf Landon mused, at least I can carry myself as a Hawaiian woman with breasts the size of pineapples.
CHIP– Over the next 753 pages, you, the reader, will explore every nook and cranny of Alf Landon’s colon.
PAQRAT– Nothing, not even the warm, clammy, sheeting raindrops that oozed like cosmic perspiration from the previously onerous sky, was going to prevent Dexter from being first in line at Peabody’s Hobby Shop and finally acquiring the coveted Alf Landon — the elusive crown jewel in his collection of 1936 Republican National Convention action figures.
SUSANA– Kathryn awoke in a cold sweat. It was the third time this week she had dreamt of the flying bedpan that had killed her father, Alf Langdon.
JULIE– For Alf Landon, a handsome and auspicious doctor long retired, it was infallible love at first sight: her perfectly rounded blue eyes, the way her tresses fell thick, and yet stringy, the slender, wobbly shapeliness of her arms; never before had his heart so venerated, so adored, a Playdough creation.
BENNY– It’s funny how overshaking a loosely-capped bottle of ketchup, and Alf Landon’s ill-fated decision to wear a white overcoat in the diner booth behind me would lead to the greatest friendship I’ve ever had, and the adventure of a lifetime.

Bob T. was kind enough to inform me about the recent Bulwer-Lytton Writing Contest, where the goal was to write the worst opening sentence to a non-existent novel. Well, I am going to run our own little Philly contest in a somewhat similar fashion.

I am hereby offering Two tickets to the Academy of Natural Sciences and a $20 gift certificate to the Bards for whoever writes worst opening sentence to a non-existent novel (I’ll give a little leeway for an extra sentence, but total must be 75 words or less). 2nd place gets a $10 certificate to O’Neals. Historical fiction, sci-fi, romance novel, whatever. But here’s the twist: Your sentence must include the words “Alf Landon”. Alright, just send your opening sentence to me by Monday, September 15th at 5 p.m., and we’ll post them and vote next week. I’ll start us off with mine.

Alf Landon looked across the plains, the vast magnificent plains, and dipped his spoon into his Tapioca pudding.

Alright gang, I’ve been doing this long enough without a logo and it’s time to get one. But since I am lazy and not very artistic (with the exception of my rapping) I want you to come up with a logo for Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo. Whoever creates the best logo will get $100 worth of gift certificates to various local restaurants. ($25 each to L2, Cebu, House of Kabob, and Sansom Street Oyster house). Of course, you will also get the glory of a photo on the website. So get crackin’ on photoshop and get me a logo. I’ll give ya a week to come up with one. Send your logos to johnnygoodtimes@hotmail.com.

Haven’t had a chance to say much about the bracket-tacular, with all of the Quizzo Bowl excitement. And that was for the best, as I am currently ranked 72nd out of 73 teams (though I am spoiling for a comeback). Anyhow, here’s how it’s shaping down heading into the final weekend. For the 2nd straight year, Smackdown (above, in blue) is right in the mix. Last year, Ohio State’s loss in the championship cost her the title. This year, she needs UCLA to knock off UNC in the finals. I would find it hilarious if it’s UNC-UCLA and UNC wins, but that’s just me. If that happens, current leader Matt Cohen wins. If North Carolina defeats Memphis for the title, Touched by an Uncle (Matt Kallend) wins. If Memphis defeats UNC or Kansas, then Adam’s bracket wins. If Kansas defeats Memphis, then Total Ownage wins. And if Kansas defeats UCLA, then Davidson’s dream season continues, as Davidson grad Sarah Vaala takes the title. Best of luck to all the competitors, and go UNC!

Alright guys, hard to believe, but this is the 4th year we’re doing this jawn. Here’s how it works: You click here, follow the instructions (Password is Goodtimes. You do need a Yahoo account to join, but it only takes a minute to get one), and you’re in. It’s free to enter. The person who finishes with the highest score will receive a $50 gift certificate from Barristers, a $25 gift certificate to the Mexican Post, and a $25 gift certificate to Ortlieb’s Jazz Haus ($100 total, in case you’re bad at math). Barrister’s will have all 63 games on their multiple high def TVs. If you wanna keep an eye on all of the games and not go to the worst bar in Philly, I highly suggest Barristers. Great food, great TVs, plus drink specials. 2nd place will get a $40 gift certificate to the Black Sheep, and 3rd will get a $10 gift certificate to O’Neals. Past winners include Stacie from the Champs, Eric of the Rocket Scientists, and yours truly (I won the first one, but finished 64th out of 75 teams last year.) Got to get your picks in by noon on Thursday! Good luck!

Well after getting the shaft by Philly Mag in their Best Of edition, being passed over for “Drunken Spelling Bee” (which I’m sure will still be around in four years), it’s time for the only other “Best Of…” edition that matters in this city. (Sorry, Philly Style, but back to back wins for Starbucks as “Philly’s Best Coffee Shop” took your Best Of edition from irrelevant to embarrassing). That’s right, the City Paper Choice Awards. Please vote for me in the CP Best Of by clicking here. Quizzo is #22. I don’t know why they have JGT Quizzo and Good Dog quizzo as two different choices (a diabolical attempt to split my vote and usher in a new champion?), but just vote for Johnny Goodtimes quizzo so as not to split the vote. Be sure to vote for O’Neals for Best Sports Bar, (#30), and be sure to write in Chip Chantry for Best Comedian (#40).

Alright, it’s time to vote on the best worst sequel ideas that were turned in to me a few weeks ago in our best worst sequels contest. I have posted the ones that I liked the most below, after the jump. Of course, you had to provide an email address to be nominated, b/c I have to know how to get in touch with you if you win. Unfortunately, that eliminated several good ones, including Jaws vs. Rocky. Then some of them were just crappy. Here is the poll, but before you vote, be sure to read after the jump, because I was also asking for at least a short synopsis, and for some of them yu have to read the write up to get the joke (particularly Much Ado About Nothing and Electrocting an Elephant). Winner gets a $20 gift certificate to the Bards and 2 IMAX passes.

What do you think was the Best Worst Sequel?
	Juwanna Mann 2: More Mann Than Ever
	32 Candles (Sixteen Candles 2)
	The Green Kilometer
	Lambada 2- The Dance That’s Been Legal Since 2006
	Cocoon III: Cocoon in Cancun
	FERRIS BUELLER’S COMP TIME
	Much Ado About Nothing 2: Holocaust Shmolocaust
	Snakes On a Dirigible
	Pay it Backward
	Electrocuting An Elephant 2: Electric Boogaloo
pollcode.com free polls

Continue reading “Vote For the best Worst sequel idea!” →

A’ight, I got a $20 gift certificate to the Bards and two IMAX passes to the winner of this contest, and a $15 gift certificate to Good Dog for 2nd place. It’s a sequel contest. You need to come up with the worst idea for a movie sequel that hasn’t been made, and a short plot outline. I want you to come up with some ideas so bad that they make Weekend at Bernies 2 actually not look like such a bad idea. I’ll go first:
It’s a Wonderful Life 2: Potter’s Revenge
Picks up shortly after the original left off. George Bailey still faces charges of Destruction of Property and a DUI after plowing into the tree before he jumped off the bridge. Potter sees an opportunity to put his rival behind bars, and hires Clarence Darrow (played by Spencer Tracy) to take the case. Things look hopeless for Bailey, until Uncle Billy exposes Potter’s darkest secret to the courtroom, and a mistrial is declared. Stan Musial makes his acting debut as Judge Rogers.

Post your ideas in the comment section below, and make sure you leave a name and an email address so I can contact you if you win. Have fun!