Worst Alf Landon Lines, Volume 1

OK, gang, it’s time to start voting in the First Annual Alf Landon Bad Writing Contest. We’re gonna divide this into three voting blocks, with the winner of each one going to the finals. Here are your first 6 entries. At the bottom, you can vote for which one you like the best. Voting for volume one ends tomorrow at 11:59 p.m. May the best worst Alf win!

HOWARD- Even though it was a brothel, it was still Kansas, and the Madame, with her 5 o’clock shadow, evoked Depression, not Lust; if I could carry only Maine and Vermont, Alf Landon mused, at least I can carry myself as a Hawaiian woman with breasts the size of pineapples.
CHIP– Over the next 753 pages, you, the reader, will explore every nook and cranny of Alf Landon’s colon.
PAQRAT– Nothing, not even the warm, clammy, sheeting raindrops that oozed like cosmic perspiration from the previously onerous sky, was going to prevent Dexter from being first in line at Peabody’s Hobby Shop and finally acquiring the coveted Alf Landon — the elusive crown jewel in his collection of 1936 Republican National Convention action figures.
SUSANA– Kathryn awoke in a cold sweat. It was the third time this week she had dreamt of the flying bedpan that had killed her father, Alf Langdon.
JULIE– For Alf Landon, a handsome and auspicious doctor long retired, it was infallible love at first sight: her perfectly rounded blue eyes, the way her tresses fell thick, and yet stringy, the slender, wobbly shapeliness of her arms; never before had his heart so venerated, so adored, a Playdough creation.
BENNY– It’s funny how overshaking a loosely-capped bottle of ketchup, and Alf Landon’s ill-fated decision to wear a white overcoat in the diner booth behind me would lead to the greatest friendship I’ve ever had, and the adventure of a lifetime.

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