Month: May 2009

Your Arthur Kade Thought For the Weekend

Arthur says:  At that moment, I realized that I am a savior, a god to people who sit at their desk the whole day, hate their lives, and want to probably jump off a roof because they are so miserable. I am the modern day “Acting Moses”, the person who was given the drive, looks, and talent to lead my followers to the promise land, and make the impossible, possible. 

I hope all of my fellow Arthur Kadets are able to visit the “promised land” this weekend. I bet it looks a lot like Arthur’s basement.

Scoreboard, Brought to You by the Biltmore Estate

biltmore

O’NEALS 

  1. Same Name as Last Week 106
  2. Truth Wind and Fire 99
  3. Why is John’s Rum Gone? 83
  4. Stabby McGee 69
  5. Topless Carwash 56

BARDS

  1. Narcotyzing Dysfunktion 113
  2. The Sofa Kingdom 108
  3. L. Ron Hubbard’s Diabetics 101
  4. Death Star Attack Run 73
  5. Groomsmen or Pallbearers? 71

LOCUST RENDEZVOUS

  1. The Jams 105
  2. The Champs 103
  3. Quiz on Your Face 102
  4. 1022 97
  5. Who Uses a Payphone Anymore? 84

BLACK SHEEP

  1. Sotomayor Momma 105
  2. Satan’s Minions 96
  3. Duane’s World 96
  4. Unusual Suspects 84
  5. 5.5 on the Kade Scale 73

UGLY AMERICAN

  1. Joker’s Wilder 111
  2. Eschaton 102
  3. Amber Alert 96
  4. Two Fags and 2 Hags 79

BARDS

  1. Sofa Kingdom 94
  2. Hurtin Bombs 92
  3. I Don’t Make Monkeys, I Just Train ‘Em 88
  4. Mike Piazza Freebases Parmesan 71
  5. Our Score=Our Employment Status 66

Hola From Sunny Charlotte

Hey kids, sitting in the Charlotte airport getting ready to catch a connecting flight to Asheville, where I’m hanging out this weekend. I’ll be posting scores when I get into Asheville. One thing I kind of like about the Charlotte airport: there are rocking chairs everywhere. For some reason that seems really cool.

They just announced that maintenance is on board the aircraft and that we may have to wait a few minutes before we board. Then I heard a few people moaning, which totally blows my doors. I mean, would they rather the maintenance people not fix whatever it is that’s wrong so we could take our chances in a faulty aircraft? When a wing blows off at 30,000 feet, are they gonna say, “Yeah, it sucks, but at least we boarded on time.” I just don’t understand people sometimes. Alright, well I’m off. Talk to ya soon.

What’s In a Name?

Here’s my column in today’s Metro. I think you’ll dig it. It’s about best business names in Philadelphia. Most of the best ones are always hair salons. One of my favorites that didn’t quite make the cut was Excuse ME Who Styled That Hair. Sassafrass! I also liked That Guy With the Hair, Smooth Like That, and Style of Man. Then you had your old standards Shear Perfection, Shear Genius, and Shear Pleasure. I also like Next Millenium Two Thousand, the barbershop that sounds like a robot. As for laundromats, the Washing Well was kind of cute. Oh, and D-Mac told me about a doozy, but it was out in Western PA. A day care center called Bring ‘Em Young. Brilliant. As for more terrible names? There is a bar called Castle Roxx in Manayunk. Sounds like a breakfast cereal. I also think Phlamboyant Phaces (hair salon) is kind of atrocious. Looking for more great business names? Click here. Now it’s your turn. What great local business names did I leave out of the article? Let me know in the comments.

Kade Style

In case you haven’t heard the buzz, the man Philadelphians love to hate was featured in this month’s Philadelphia Magazine. It could have been better, but it certainly answered some questions about our hero and painted him in a pretty real light. At that moment, it was possible to see Arthur Kade for everything he is — an unmitigated douchebag, to be sure, the poster boy for all that reeks about contemporary society and culture (the former businessman turned aspiring celebutard, forging a burr-hole through the cacophony that is the Internet), but a character at the same time entirely familiar, one wholly American, a modern-day Tom Joad setting out, sanguine to a fault, westward. 

Personally, I think that Arthur Kade can only be one of two things: a brilliant marketing ploy by someone (Philebrity perhaps?) to write a book about this ridiculous character’s misadventures, sort of a Lazlo Toth style invention, only crazy in a different sort of way. Otherwise, he is severely mentally ill. There is no other way to be that un-self aware. What do you think? Is this guy real or is this some sort of brilliant Andy Kaufmann type stunt?