One of my favorite politicians of all time is celebrating a special day today. Well, he would be if he were still alive. It was on this date in 1973 that Spiro Agnew was indicted for tax fraud! Of course, Spiro is more famous for having the name Spiro Agnew than for anything he actually did, because if you rearrange the letters of his name you get “Grow a Penis.” (BTW, if you rearrange the letters in my name you get “Joy! Smooth ending” and hedonism joy tong”. If you wanna anagram your own name, go here.) One team thought Agnew got a raw deal.

There has been a backlash against Columbus Day in recent years (with good reason). In Venezuela last year, a statue of Columbus was toppled in Venezuela on Columbus Day and dragged through the streets, much to the dismay of Pat Robertson. Here is an interesting take on Columbus, while here is a fairly pathetic defense of him. So I won’t be celebrating the sailing skills of a mass murderer. But I will be celebrating Canadian Thanksgiving!

Last night I spoke with Jam Master Sean (aka C. Urbanus), who is running the First Anunal Keystone Classic, which I will be hosting tonight at Whiskey Dix (421 North 7th Street, 1/2 block north of Callowhill), . Here were his thoughts heading into this historic Rock, Paper, Scissors event.

Johnny: Let’s talk to the first timers out there. What kind of mindset do have to be in going into your first match?

JMS: I always say that the first tournament is a learning experience. You have to go in, see what it’s like, and play against the professionals. If you can make it a couple of rounds, you’ve done pretty well. You’re going to be going up against some of the top players in the region, if not the country. The bright lights may distract you. There will be lots of press there, lots of media, the lights will be shining down on you, (He’s serious, btw, the Learning Channel and KYW are both expected to be there.) and that’s kind of unnerving.

Continue reading “Tonight’s Da Night” →

The rumor mill has been spinning furiously lately, and Johnny would like to address those rumors. He will NOT be rapping tonight at the First Annual Keystone Classic. He doesn’t know where people get off starting these rumors. “Rapping at the Keystone Classic? Yeah, right. What rhymes with scissors? It is absurd for anyone to think that I would sully my pristine reputation with something as silly as a rap song!” Case Closed!

A spokesman for Philadelphia Gas Works, Henry Kibbles, said today that PGW is “looking forward to killing a lot of poor people this winter!” Kibbles added that he saw what happened with Katrina and thought, “We can do right here with gas what Hurricane Katrina did with wind and rain!” PGW will be adding a 19% gas hike today to the 5% hike they added on September 1st. They will then be adding another increase on December 1st. In addition, they will be cutting off the gas of people who can’t afford their bills throughout the winter. “It’s what we call putting ‘the freeze’ on the poor!” explained Kibbles, who then began laughing maniacally.

Four of the members of the Philadelphia Utilities Commission (PHUC) gave the proposal the go-ahead. Said PHUC spokesman Marvin “The Iceman” Garvin , “Look, we’re trying to encourage rich white people to move into the city. The last thing they want is to live in a city with a bunch of poor people. If we can kill the poor people off, we can encourage the rich people to move here!”

The email addresses of the four members of the Philadelphia Utilities Commission who voted in favor of this increase are posted below. PLEASE send them an e-mail to tell them what you think of them allowing the poor to be thrown out on the streets during the winter. Even if it’s only a quick note. A month after Katrina, please don’t forget that there are those less fortunate than us whose lives are going to be ruined by these people. Yes, I am aware that prices were going to go up after the hurricane, but there is no reason for the average person in Philadelphia to pay over twice as much for gas this winter as they did in 2003, which is what a PGW spokesman recently confirmed. That is gouging.

James Cawley: jhc@state.pa.us
Bill Shane: wshane@state.pa.us
Kim Pizzingrilli: kpizzin@state.pa.us
Terry Fitzpatrick: tfitzpatri@state.pa.us

Edgar Allen Poe died under mysterious circumstances on October 7, 1849. There are a number of theories about his death, but it’s hard to know what really happened, because no autopsy was done. Here’s what a cardiologist from the University of Maryland concluded in 1996. If you have not visited the Poe House on Spring Garden, I highly recommend it. Read The Black Cat before visiting. That story is really brought to life in the basement.

Penguins are funny!

Alrigth, gang, get your ideas for a funny Broadway musical title in today, as I will be accepting entries until midnight tonight. I will determine my favorites over the weekend, and we will vote on which one we think should win next week. The winner receives two great seats to see the upcoming Philadelphia Theatre Company’s performance of “Adrift in Macao.”

It seems like everybody is talking about the avian flu that has us all shaking in our boots. But it’s so hard to find reliable information about this pandemic that has killed almost 65 old people in Asia. Enter Dr. Bartleby McDowell, M.D. Dr. McDowell, M.D. has been practicing in the medical profession for over 23 years, and has earned the respect of the entire Philadelphia physician community with his work on various flus and bugs. We are very excited to welcome him as the newest member of our team! Dr. McDowell, M.D. answers tough questions from you our readers after the jump!

Continue reading “Dr. Bartleby McDowell, M.D. Answers Questions about Avian Flu!” →

Well, my good friends at Philadelphia magazine have a poll of sorts going on. They want to know who you think the best five Philadelphians ever were. Now some are easy, such as Ben Franklin and Richard Gere. But that leaves you with three slots to fill. Now I’ll leave two to you, and ask that on the third you write “Johnny Goodtimes”. Let’s face it, every man, woman, and child in America could enter my name and they wouldn’t give me credit for it, but it might still be fun, just to piss them off.