It seems like everybody is talking about the avian flu that has us all shaking in our boots. But it’s so hard to find reliable information about this pandemic that has killed almost 65 old people in Asia. Enter Dr. Bartleby McDowell, M.D. Dr. McDowell, M.D. has been practicing in the medical profession for over 23 years, and has earned the respect of the entire Philadelphia physician community with his work on various flus and bugs. We are very excited to welcome him as the newest member of our team! Dr. McDowell, M.D. answers tough questions from you our readers after the jump!
JGT: It looks like our first reader with a question is Nan in Wichita. Nan wants to know, “How dangerous is this avian flu, and what can I do to prevent it from striking me and my loved ones?”
Dr. McDowell: That’s a great question, Nan. The answer is horrifying. Odds are, the avian flu will kill at least three members of your family and most of your friends. Wichita is going to be a real “hot spot” for the virus because of all of the Asians there, an effect of the Transcontinental Railroad. There is very little you can do besides cower beside your bed, begging the big guy in the sky to save you and your family. But keep in mind, that’s what everyone will be doing, so the effects of such a exercise will be minimal.
JGT: Our next question is from LaToya in Austin. LaToya asks, “Where does this disease originate and how can I catch it?”
Dr. McDowell: The disease originates in various chickens, poultries, turkeys, buzzards, ospreys and so on. The best way to catch it is to spend time in an osprey nest or to make a buzzard angry. Also, studies have shown that people who bathe regularly are more likely to get the disease than those that do not.
JGT: Our next question is from Toby in Daytona Beach. Toby asks, “Should I stop performing my day to day tasks, and lock myself in my basement, waiting for the pandemic to end?”
Dr. McDowell: That’s not a bad idea, Toby. I have two pieces of advice for anyone who wants to live: duct tape and plastic sheeting. I have a feeling this avian flu is going to be the “dirty bomb” of flus.
JGT: The final question comes from Dr. Sun Myung Moon in Washington, D.C. Dr. Moon writes, “I am the second coming of Jesus Christ. I assume this flu will not effect me, right Doctor McDowell, M.D.?
Dr. McDowell: Listen, I’ve seen chickens move in slow motion to the rhythms of ominous background music on television for three days now. Do you not realize that nothing is sacred? This flu will affect everybody, even you, my doctor contemporary. It will be worse than the 1918 flu. I don’t think you get it. Let me put this in layman’s terms. We’re all going to die! We’re all going to f****** die! Do you realize how hard it is to be a Dr., M.D. right now?
Do you know how hard it is for me and Sonjay Gupta at CNN to keep our kool when we know what’s about to happen? You don’t know! (Sobbing profusely.) You have no way of knowing without being a Dr., M.D.!
JGT: Well, we’d like to thank the newest member of our team at johnnygoodtimes.com, Dr. Bartleby McDowell, M.D. for answering our reader mail. Hopefully you’ve learned a little bit more about the avian flu. If you have any medical questions for the good doctor, please send them to email@example.com, and he will answer the best ones in his next appearance on the website.