In a sickening display of soulless greed, Philadelphia’s most reviled quizmaster put in a bid on a newborn baby on EBay. “Yeah, I offered to advertise on a newborn for a month,” said an unrepentant Goodtimes. “Unfortunately, you only get to put your logo on his clothes. I had hoped to maybe write johnnygoodtimes.com in marker on his forehead or something.” When asked if he had any reservations about doing anything so ethically questionable, Goodtimes added, “Of course. I wasn’t sure if I wanted my company associated with something that poops all over itself. But it’s cheaper than advertising in the paper.”
UPDATE: Well, it looks like Goodtimes will not be advertising on the baby, as he had hoped. He went all the way up to $25 without the reserve even being met. “I ain’t spending more than $25 to put my website on that stupid baby,” says JGT. As of 11:50 a.m., the highest bidder was $100, and the reserve had still not been met. He does take credit for opening the floodgates, however. “Yeah, everybody was scared to advertise on that baby until I stepped up to the plate. I’m like Grandmaster Flash, getting the ball rolling, but never really getting the credit I deserve.”

You know that dude Brad Rutter that kicked Ken Jennings ass in Ultimate Jeopardy? Well, apparently, he’s single, and he’s got a buddy who’s trying to help him find dates. I’m not kidding! And the best part is, he lives nearby! He lives in Lancaster, but I don’t think he’s Amish.

Just thought I’d make you guys aware of this. Looks pretty kool. -John Goodtimes
Once Upon A Nation is Philadelphia’s brand-new annual summer-long celebration where engaging stories of Benjamin Franklin, Betsy Ross, James Forten, and dozens of known and unknown characters will make Philadelphia’s rich history come alive. Stories filled with human drama, love, anguish, conflict, humor, and joy will engage all age groups. These stories will combine with evening events and heritage tours to create a fun and memorable experience. History will never be the same.

RSVP to phillyfriends@gophila.com by 4:00p.m. Friday May 27, 2005.

Got a question for Don Rumsfeld? Anything at all? Well, then, just go ahead and ask him, and he will answer your question! Ask him whether he’s the best Secretary of Defense ever, or whether or not he likes kittens. He takes all questions, as do Dick Cheney and Paul Wolfowitz.

Glenn Macnow of WIP recently tried to find the best burger in the Philly area. His number one place, though, was in Trenton. WTF? Monk’s and Standard Tap both made the top 10. But I think I know who has a better burger than Monk’s or the Tap. Snow White, on 19th and Chestnut, has a kick ass burger (with cheese and onions) that seems even better than it really is because every time I go in there it’s a completely surreal experience. The staff is all asian, except for one black guy they call “Chef”. They all heckle and tease each other and the regulars, and there is always at least one person in there who is at least mildly insane. The last time I was there this old man walked in and hollered, “Give me a cup of coffee, mama.” He then turned around and saw that a lady was looking at him. “Stare all you want, baby. I may be 87, but I know I’m still beautiful.” You just don’t get that at Monk’s. Besides, their buns are too damn big. Here’s the story on the world’s largest burger (15 pounds.)

This is just simply incredible. I told the Doc’s crowd last night that I would have it online, and here it is. Information on how you can participate in the 2005 masturbate-a-thon.

All four of the remaining contestants in the “Be the Next Johnny Goodtimes Contest” will be performing tonight at Doc Watson’s, and you will help decide who the next two are to get cut. Show begins at eight.