Now, I’m not looking forward to dying. Not at all. But I do hope to die before my good buddy Andy Nolan does, so that he can do my obituary. You see, every time a celebrity (quick reminder, I was voted Philly’s favorite celebrity in 2004, and I do have sort of an on-again, off again thing with Eve) dies, I get an email. Most are brilliant (though some might be construed by stuffy types as kind of, ahem, borderline in terms of taste) but the fact that this guy sends a freaking obit out the next day every time a celeb dies is worthy of acknowledgement. So after the jump, I have listed a bunch of them, with the subject headline in bold and the actual email regular. Enjoy.

Continue reading “The Master of the Obituary” →

Now I know what you’re thinking…Johnny, why haven’t you been keeping us updated on Flavor of Love? Fair enough. I should have been doing a better job. But I kind of see it in fits and starts, although I must say that this show is precisely why the television was invented. It’s got everything you need for great television. Love, tension, Flavor Flav. Well things got a little ugly this past week when Pumkin got voted off. Click here for the ugly, ugly melee which ensued. Thanks to James H. for sending me the link.

Here it is, folks. JGT’s first ever “You Be the DJ” Contest. Here’s how it works. The first seven people to send me an email (if, for some reason, that link doesn’t work for you, you can hit me up at johnny@johnnygoodtimes.com) with the subject headline “I Wanna Be DJ” get to play music between rounds this week (via ipod, mp3 player, or CD player. No turntables, please)). I am going to take seven people, one at each quizzo locale in Philly (Yes, that includes you, Dive!) So in your email you can tell me which place you wanna DJ, but keep in mind, your chances are better if you say “All”. Then keep track of your set list on the night you getz buzy. We will post each contestant’s set lists on the website on friday and vote for which one is best. Whoever wins gets a $40 gift certificate to the Devil’s Alley.

Yo homies. I got a new contest in the works. I’m still working out the deal for a prize, but I should have one by later this afternoon, so check back this evening, because only the first people to sign up will be the ones to get to participate in this contest, which will take place this week. Wow, that was a long sentence. It’s going to be ill. In the meantime,you have to see these Volkswagen commercials (and you have to watch all three, they get funnier as you go). I saw them during the Sixers game yesterday (why in the hell was Kyle Korver out there at the end ON DEFENSE?????) These are some of the best commercials I’ve seen in a long time. I totally want a VW now.

Yeah, so Reese Witherspoon won last night and she deserved it just on her hotness in that movie alone although her acting was really great as well. But it seems that the Oscar’s jewel has a little skeleton in her closet. This paparazzi dude named Todd Wallace harassed Reese and her children at Disneyland last year. Five months later he’s found in his apartment-dead. The point I’m making here? Simple. Do not f*** with Reese Witherspoon.

Happy Birthday, Marion Berry! The good mayor, whose reputation was sullied when that bitch set him up, turns 70 today. Here’s a good article about his rise to power. And here are some actual quotes from the man, including one of my favorite quotes in the history of mankind, “If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate.” Here’s hoping that DC gets exactly what it deserves-a fifth Marion Berry term as mayor!!!

Darth Ern, one of the biggest legends in the history of the sport, is a major movie buff. And so, this year, for the second straight year, I have asked him to handicap this year’s Oscar’s. Here is his report:
Best Picture
In the last 39 years the movie with the most nominations has won Best Picture 35 times. Three of the four that didn’t starred (Bonnie & Clyde; Reds; and Bugsy) starred Warren Beatty. The other was last year’s The Aviator. I thought Crash was the Best Picture of the year. Capote and Munich also made my top 10. Unfortunately, despite it’s good acting, I thought Brokeback Mountain was pretty bad. Once you get past the gay relationship what you’re left with is two deadbeats who cheat on their wives and neglect their kids. But the Academy gave Best Picture to a stinker like American Beauty and they’ll give it to another stinker this year.

Best Actor
I thought Phillip Seymour Hoffman gave the Best Performance (I didn’t see Terrence Howard but I’m sure he was good). I think the Academy will give it to Hoffmann.

Best Actress
Reese Witherspoon. I thought Charlize Theron and Felicity Huffman were better. By the way: Am I the only one that thinks Judi Dench can get a nomination just for reading the want ads out loud?

Best Supporting Actor
I’d give it to Matt Dillon but the Academy will give it to Paul Giamatti. That’ll be their way of saying we’re sorry we didn’t nominate you for “Sideways’ and “American Splendor.”

Best Supporting Actress
Rachel Weisz. Only because SAG gave it to her. I didn’t see Amy Adams but I thought Frances McDormand, Michelle Williams and Catherine Keener were better.

Related: Entertainment Weekly Picks the Winners.

Cheneymania continues to run wild. First off he’s the star of a new music video. Secondly, there is a fun game where you are the VP, and you are trying to hunt quail. Of course, “hunting” is not really the right term when you are talking about what Dick Cheney does. A better way to say it is “animal massacring”, as he often goes hunting in places where people release live animals directly in front of him in a fenced in area and he just walks around and picks them off. He’s not so much into hunting for the “sport”. He just likes to kill living creatures.

Yeah, I said I’d have the pics up this afternoon. So I walk down to the coffee shop after dropping my clothes at the laundromat. Now, anytime I go to the laundromat, I gotta talk to my man Rudy (who runs the place) about the Dolphins, since we are probably the only two Dolphin fans in the city. We’ve both been hurt by this Ricky Williams thing, because we really thought we were gonna have a good team next year. Anyways, that’s not the point I’m getting at. The point is that I got to the coffee shop (La Va, at 21st and South. It’s new) and realized that I had forgotten to bring the cable thingy that I need to put the pics on my laptop. So anyways, I’ll try to post at least some of the pics later. That’s what I was gettin’ at. Yeah.

The Blue Method, Philly’s premiere funk band, is gonna be rockin’ the TLA tommorrow night, and I’ve got four pairs of ticketes to give away tonight for the show! That’s right, four tix at the Dog and four more at the Bards tonight to see the Method, who Ginger tells me put on an amazing live show. I’m finally gonna get a chance to see them for myself tommorrow night, and I’m pretty excited about it.