The Master of the Obituary

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Now, I’m not looking forward to dying. Not at all. But I do hope to die before my good buddy Andy Nolan does, so that he can do my obituary. You see, every time a celebrity (quick reminder, I was voted Philly’s favorite celebrity in 2004, and I do have sort of an on-again, off again thing with Eve) dies, I get an email. Most are brilliant (though some might be construed by stuffy types as kind of, ahem, borderline in terms of taste) but the fact that this guy sends a freaking obit out the next day every time a celeb dies is worthy of acknowledgement. So after the jump, I have listed a bunch of them, with the subject headline in bold and the actual email regular. Enjoy.

Stroke! You’re Out!
Kirby Puckett, a proficient hitter (of baseballs and women) died yesterday. Ironically, he had to be buried in a coffin made for twins.

Pryor heads “uptown” Saturday night.
LOS ANGELES (AP) — Richard Pryor, the caustic yet perceptive actor-comedian who lived dangerously close to the edge both on stage and off, has died, his ex-wife said Saturday. She said he would not be cremated. “He tried that once and it didn’t work out too well.”

Time to Make the Obits.
NEW YORK (Dec. 27) – Michael Vale, the Danish actor best known for his portrayal of a sleepy-eyed Dunkin’ Donuts baker who said “Time to make the doughnuts,” has died. He was seven dozen years old.

With a glazed look in his sleepy eyes, Vale died Saturday in New York City of complications from a bear claw scratch, according to son-in law Rick Reil. His son, Noah, pleaded for his father to stay alive, but to noah vale.

Canton, Mass.-based Dunkin’ Donuts said in a statement that Vale’s character “became a beloved American icon that permeated our culture and touched millions with his sense of humor and humble nature. His passing has left us all with a big hole in our middle.”

Instead of being cremated, Vale’s corpse was lowered into a giant cup of hot coffee until he completely dissolved.

Picket line = flat
Dear Sally,
Wilson Pickett died. Died, Sally, died.

Chicken ala King– to go
“It takes a thin man to make a slender coffin” – Frank Perdone

Goodbye little body
No pulse, no breath, no motor skills.
Not a future royalty.
Like Robinson Crusoe,
as previous as can be.

Butch from The Little Rascals is dead
He was last seen having dinner with Mickey from the little rascals.

Cochran to cross-examine Nicole Simpson
If he doesn’t breathe, you must bereave.

Saint Elsewhere
Papal reign, Papal reign
Papal reign, Papal reign
Papal reign, Papal reign

I only wanted 2 see U breathing in the Papal reign

Is Terry Schiavo in a better place? That’s a no brainer.

I’m dreaming of a white funeral.
LONDON (Reuters) – Former NFL all-time sacks leader Reggie White has died at the age of 43. Known as the “Minister of Defense” on the field, White was also an ordained minister off the field. He was more likely to drink water at a victory celebration than champagne. So, as a tribute to Reggie, the Eagles will install a water fountain at Lincoln Financial Field to honor him. Placed conspicuously above the fountain will be a sign that reads simply “WHITE’S DRINKING FOUNTAIN”.

Mrs. Arafat gets her dishtowel back!

A box to lift now
“He’s on a streetcar named expire” – Stanley Kowalski
“He coulda been some body. He coulda been a cadaver” -Terry Malloy
“I’m gonna make him a coffin he can’t reuse” – Vito Corleone’s undertaker

Super Bleak
Rick James lived alone. His body was discovered when a neighbor, who had been walking by the house, called 911 and reported “There’s something funky in there.”

Paramedics worked frantically, attempting to revive James. EMT Edward McGonigal was heard pleading with his assistant “Give me the epinephrine shot. Give it to me. Give me that stuff, that funk, that shot, that funky stuff. Give it to me (hey). Give it to me.”

Tug R.I.P.
“Ya Gotta Bereave”