Around the Horn, brought to you by the Crown Vic

-Finally, a convenient place to keep that shotgun. I’m pretty sure this is real.

-Philly gets dumped on by Sports Illustrated twice this week. First, the NBA preview issue comes out and the Sixers are declared the worst team in the Eastern Conference. Then, they do a piece on Top 10 cities in a sports slump, and Philadelphia comes in first. It’s raining, we’re ugly, and our sports teams suck. There’s only one person that can break us out of these doldrums: Billy Ocean!

-As many of you know, I drive the sweetest ride in town, a 1997 metallic blue-green Crown Victoria. It scores me a lot of leg. But if you wanna be as awesome as me, you better hurry. They ain’t gonna be makin’ Crown Vics much longer.

–Manayunk is being bombarded by toolbags relieving themselves in public, proving once and for all that Manayunk is the open air outhouse of the Philadelphia Metro Area.

Ugly But Proud…The latest in the Metro

Here’s my latest Metro column. Hope ya like it. And what do youse guys think? Are we really that ugly?

Vote for JGT Best Quizzo

Well after getting the shaft by Philly Mag in their Best Of edition, being passed over for “Drunken Spelling Bee” (which I’m sure will still be around in four years), it’s time for the only other “Best Of…” edition that matters in this city. (Sorry, Philly Style, but back to back wins for Starbucks as “Philly’s Best Coffee Shop” took your Best Of edition from irrelevant to embarrassing). That’s right, the City Paper Choice Awards. Please vote for me in the CP Best Of by clicking here. Quizzo is #22. I don’t know why they have JGT Quizzo and Good Dog quizzo as two different choices (a diabolical attempt to split my vote and usher in a new champion?), but just vote for Johnny Goodtimes quizzo so as not to split the vote. Be sure to vote for O’Neals for Best Sports Bar, (#30), and be sure to write in Chip Chantry for Best Comedian (#40).

A few of my favorite comments

You might be surprised to note that I read pretty much all of the comments on here. Or maybe you’re not surprised to know that. After all, I am a man of leisure. I mean, what the hell else would I do with all this free time? But I have to say that one of my favorite things about this blog is the commenters. Even when the political talk gets heated, it stays moderately respectful in tone and the arguments are usually somewhat fair reasoned, even Bob T.’s. And a lot of the commenters here are pretty clever. Anyways, enough ass kissing, here are a few of my favorite posts from the past week:

-In response to the request, “Tell me some fun facts about Canada“, Wes wrote: If you pull on a Canadian guinea pig’s tail it’s eyeballs will fall out.

-In response to the question of the week, “What 1978 Donny and Marie Osmond movie took place on Hawaii, and was a critical and financial disaster?” Anonymous wrote, Wasn’t it called “No, Seriously, Marie- It’s Legal in Hawaii. Now Touch It”?

-But my favorite came from Gabezilla after I said that I was rooting for the Red Sox:
Once again, Johnny, you fail to see how real life relates to the Transformers:
When we kids, we were always glad when Starscream tried to overtake the mighty Megatron, because we figured dissension was bad for the Decepticons, which was good for the Autobots, which was good for us somehow. But Starscream never did unseat Megatron, and we were all better off because Starsceam, with that obnoxious screach of a voice, was actually more dangerous and careless than Megatron. Sometime into the show’s run a weird, purple character named Shockwave came around. Nobody’s really sure when he came or where he came from, and because he’s really quiet, no one knows much about him. He too tried to take things over, but nobody payed him any mind, even though he had almost no weaknesses. Now that the Yankees (Megatron) are out of the way (indefinitely?), you really want the Starscreaming Red Sox to be established as the new alpha at the expense of the inocuous though boring, Shockwaving Rockies? Sure they beat up the Rodimus Priming Phillies, but, as we all learned, Rodimus Prime was ill suited to wear the crown.
Say no to Starscream people, before it’s too late.

–

Cliff’s Notes to this weeks Weekly

Some good stuff in this week’s PW. Here’s the highlights:
-Trivia Art and the lovely Ginger (aka Suzy) are both featured in the Taste Mag insert. Not online, you gotta pick up an actual copy.

–Interview with a tattoo artist that is nothing short of amazing. People in the shop tattoo a lot of male genitalia on women. Later I cover them up. Once I turned a penis into Darth Vader. The whole helmet and everything.

–Shakespeare was a perv.

-The most pathetic, most offensive block in Center City Philadelphia is no doubt the west side of 15th street between Spruce and Locust. Fox and the Hound, Buca Di Beppo, and Starbucks form a Holy Triumvirate of generic crap for popped collar douchebags and adventurous South Jerseyites who dare wander out of Old City. And the Wal-Mart of Irish restaurants, Fado, guards the corner of 15th and Locust. Well guess who owns that giant dump of a block? I’ll give you a hint: They are the most hated entity in the city other than the Eagles offense. From PW:
Buca di Beppo, the offensive Italian chain on South 15th Street, is closing once a new tenant for the building is found. We say good riddance! If there’s one thing this town needs less than another Italian BYOB is another crappy chain. Of course considering the space is owned by the Philadelphia Parking Authority, another crappy chain will no doubt sidle up to take its place.

If a wildfire like the one in California struck Philadelphia, and by some queer luck destroyed only the Philadelphia Parking Authority, wouldn’t that just be awful? That would just be awful.

The Donspiracist Presents: Is the Earth Hollow?

There comes a time when the rationality of men must fade into insignificance and one must accept the inevitability of the Truth!

The quotation above is attributed to U.S. Navy Admiral Richard Byrd, taken from the diary he wrote after an expedition to the North Pole in 1947. What his diary reveals—if indeed the diary is authentic—is a reality so shocking and at odds with what mainstream science tells us that most of you might be unwilling to accept it.

But before we get to Admiral Byrd, we should explore some background. Many traditions as old as our civilization have told of the hollow earth. Buddhist and Hindu tradition tells of a place they called Shambala or Aggartha, an advanced realm that was located deep within the earth. Native American tribes as varied as the Sioux and the Inca talk of a race of white people who would issue forth from the bowels of the earth to pass on wisdom and guide them. This tale of the Inner Earth people has remarkable similarities across cultures; they are almost always described as tall, fair and white; often, they are called the descended masters, the first race, or the survivors of Atlantis or Lemuria.

Europeans have considered the possibility of a hololwo earth for centuries. Plato wrote of huge subterranean tunnels below the Earth’s surface. In the 17th century Sir Edmund Halley, of comet fame, was convinced that all heavenly bodies, including the Earth, were hollow. Decades later, a mathematician named Leonhard Euler produced a mathematical proof that the Earth must be hollow.

On top of that, there is inexplicable evidence that is often ignored. For instance, in separate stories in Flying Saucer magazine in June 1970 and Search magazine in July 1970, Ray Palmer published a photograph that still causes controversy. In his editorial, he wrote that the photo was taken by the ESSA-7 satellite on November 23, 1968. Although we can see the ice-fields and 8-foot thick ice we do not see any ice fields in a large circular area directly at the geographic pole. Instead we see THE HOLE.

A detailed map of hollow earth and sheer craziness after the jump. -ed.

Continue reading “The Donspiracist Presents: Is the Earth Hollow?” →

Question of the week

What 1978 Donny and Marie Osmond movie took place on Hawaii, and was a critical and financial disaster?

Around the horn, brought to you by Orko

-The best opening sentence about a tragic death ever: The deputy mayor of the Indian capital Delhi has died a day after being attacked by a horde of wild monkeys.

–Paris Hilton wants to be cryogenically frozen. Unfortunately for us, she doesn’t want it to happen until she dies. Won’t it be wild if there is a nuclear fallout in 2134 and it unfreezes the bodies of Ted Williams and Paris Hilton but kills everybody else? That would make for a great reality show.

-Oceania, uh, I mean Philadelphia will be putting up video cameras all over the city to catch criminals. In the city of “Private Eyes” singers Hall and Oates no less. Hmmm, Donspiracist, I think I’m onto something.

-Steve O. is going to be on the radio today between 1-2 p.m., debating Armenian genocide. He’ll be on 1540 a.m., or you can listen here. Steve is apparently AGAINST genocide.

The latest on JGT’s Love Life

-First of all, I tried to meet some ladies by posting an ad on craigslist. There are going to be haters out there who say that I “fudged the facts” a tad, but I think it’s a fairly honest look at myself.

-Secondly, Alycia Lane is single again. Her boyfriend, some New York broadcaster punk sissy, broke up with her because his station told him to, b/c of the whole Rich Eisen bikini flap. Wow, Alycia. You’re single. I’m single. It’s like the stars are lining up for us here. What the heck, let’s go for it! I’m an astronaut!

-Eve, I haven’t forgotten about you, girl. Listen, that thing with Alycia, that’s just a friend thing. She’s coming off a breakup, I’m a shoulder to cry on. That’s all that is. Don’t worry your pretty little eyes. You and me are forever girl. Shake that tambourine!

Who ya rooting for?

Should be an interesting World Series, though I’m kind of torn on who to root for. On the one hand, the AL is a league for sissies due to the DH rule. And has anything gotten as annoying in the past three years as Red Sox Nation? Every frat boy douchebag in America now wears a Red Sox hat backwards to go with his Abercrombie and Fitch shirt. (I bet there are tons of Red Sox “fans” in Manayunk.)

On the other hand, I hate the Rockies for a number of reasons: 1) They wear purple. Pathetic. 2) They are an expansion team. I hate expansion teams, especially since they’ve won 3 of the last 10 World Series going into this one. 3) They are from Denver, and none of those hippies knows a slider from a hot dog. 4) They wear purple. 5) They beat the Phillies.

I guess I’m rooting for the Red Sox. At least they play in Fenway, and it’s hard to hate Manny and Ortiz. And Josh Beckett is a bonified badass. What do you think?