Killers in Captivity: It’s Wrong

shamuI am not surprised that so many people are killed by captive animals, but that so few are. As someone who used to work in an interactive dolphin show, I saw more close calls than I care to remember. With the explosion in popularity of interactive dolphin programs, there are thousands of people interacting daily with 500-600 pound animals, animals that can be quite aggressive and are extremely sexual. It is a recipe for disaster, and it is nothing short of a miracle in my eyes that no tourists have been killed in these interactions. It is not that most bottlenose dolphins used in these interactions are attackers, but it’s just like if you had a 600 pound dog: It could be extremely sweet, but if some moron starts petting its face, things are going to end poorly. Thus it is in these interactions where people who are drunk, don’t know better, or can’t follow directions repeatedly. They will make sudden moves or touch the animals around the face, and it is a testament to the sweetness of the animals that most of the time, when someone gets in the water and acts like an idiot, the dolphins just swim away and snort for a few minutes.

I have mixed feelings about dolphins in captivity, but I have no such internal debates about killer whales in captivity. It is wrong. As is evidenced by the recent death at Sea World, these animals are extremely dangerous, not because of their aggressiveness (killer whales almost never attack people in the wild) but because of their size and power. These are not predators of humans, and deaths associated with them are almost always by drowning. (In fact, I had a boss who was once dragged to the bottom of the tank by a killer whale, and was only saved when another trainer jumped in the water and began punching the whale in the eye.) The point is that while trainers can survive an attack by a 500 pound dolphin, when an 11,000 pound animal gets the idea in its head to drag a person to the bottom of the tank, disaster is all but inevitable.

The real problem I have with keeping these animals in captivity is not the danger, however. I have friends who train killer whales, and they know that they are doing something dangerous. And like a NASCAR driver, that thrill of doing something dangerous is part of why they do it. The real problem is that these animals do not belong in captivity. They are migratory animals by nature (though little is known about their migratory patterns) and to have them live in a tank in which they can barely turn around is nothing short of cruel. They are social animals, and often in captivity they spend long periods of time alone, and in fact there are some killer whales in captivity that live their entire lives alone. And it is no secret that these highly evolved animals experience depression when isolated. (I have in fact seen dolphins diagnosed as such, and regularly given Prozac.)

But is the answer to release them into the wild? Probably not. As was seen with Keiko, an animal that becomes dependent on humans for food cannot all of a sudden hunt as soon as they are released into the wild. The answer to the problem would be to maintain the ones currently in captivity, and make a law that all remaining killer whales in captivity are to be sterilized. Thus the show could go on, until the final whale passes away, which will be decades from now. By that time, I think that people will already be over these silly killer whale shows, the same way people eventually stopped laughing at the elephants in the circus and instead began to feel sorry for them. 

With millions of dollars flowing in annually on these shows, don’t expect anyone in the industry to take the first step in doing what is right. Expect them to ride this gravy train for all it’s worth. And expect these highly evolved animals to do the same routine so many times in a row that it makes them crazy. And finally, expect there to be more deadly consequences in the future.

I Heart the 90s Week at Quizzo!

90sThat’s right folks, following the success of I Heart the 80s Week in January, we’re busting out a decade later, with an I Heart the 90s Week. Expect questions about O.J., Monica, Jordan, and Right Said Fred. All 90s questions, all the time, with a few surprises to keep you honest. Should be a fun one. And you all lived through it, so no whining and no excuses! And if you don’t know the 90s, don’t sweat it: I went to the Dollar Store yesterday and stocked up on last place prizes.

UPDATE: Uh, whoops. Due to various substances I ingested in the 1990s, I seem to have lost my short term memory. We did do a 90s Round in January, not an 80s round. Oh well, what the hell, let’s do it again. And this time, it’s all the 90s. 1790s, 1890s, 1990s, etc. We’ll do an 80s round next month, after I finish the “80s Project” I am working on. Btw, I am still looking for props for the 80s project if you have any.

The Power Rankings

powerranks

  1.  L. Ron Hubbard’s Diabetics. 8 straight wins at the Ugly American. Can a team that tied for 6th at last year’s Bowl make a real run at the title this year?
  2. Steak Em Up. Continue to dominate at the Bards. Will the fact that they will have Garbo at this year’s Quizzo Bowl mean a 2nd win for the Steaks (aka the Kingdom). God, we hope not.
  3. Lambda Lambda Lambda. If Pat Riley hadn’t patented the word Three-peat, the two time defending champs would be in line at the patent office right now. 4 straight wins at O’Neals, but they did lose to the Diabetics on Thursday.
  4. The Jams. Fighting tougher competition on a weekly basis than the 3 top teams, a very rare out of the money finish this week for the Jams.
  5. Yak Rodeo. This is a team that has decided to flex their brains in the weeks leading up to Quizzo Bowl, and it paid off with a win at the Black Sheep this week.
  6. Duane’s World. A tempestuous few months for this crew. A win last week, out of the money this week the story of their year. Can they achieve some consistency before the Big Dance?
  7. The Ear. Keep finishing 2nd to Lambda. Jury is out on whether or not they will rep the home ‘hood at Quizzo Bowl.
  8. Deja Vous. An impressive win at the Vous. Unfortunately last year’s best dressed team will not be back this year due to a wedding.
  9. Axis of Evil Knieval. Take Steak Em Up to the wire on Thursday with only a 3 person team. Can they improve on last year’s 14th place finish? 
  10. CatDog. Attending their first Quizzo Bowl this year, Duane’s World’s biggest nemesis aims to shock the world. 

Also receiving votes: Narcotyzing Dysfunktion, Quiz on Your Face, Inglorious Barristers, The Champs, Hurtin Bombs, Satan’s Minions, What Would You Do if I Punched You in the Face?, Ivan the Trivial, Ricky Hollywood

The Best Song About Cannibalism Ever


Jack from the Champs posted a comment yesterday that made me aware of one of the most amazing songs ever recorded, Timothy by the Buoys. The song was written by a young Rupert Holmes. I did a little research on the song, and found a great interview with Holmes about the novelty tune that actually reached #17 on the Billboard charts, despite being banned by hundreds of radio stations due to its lyrics about cannibalism. (I love how on this site, you can get a “Timothy” ringtone on your cell, in case you want to hear a song about cannibalism every time your phone rings.) He knew he wasn’t going to get a marketing budget for thsi band, the Buoys, so he had to create controversy. He did it with cannibalism:
“At the time, I was working on an arrangement of ’16 Tons,’ the Tennessee Ernie Ford hit from the ’50s, for an artist named Andy Kim. While I was working on the arrangement, there was a cooking show on the TV in the kitchen. It was called The Galloping Gourmet with Graham Kerr. It’s on in the background and I’m singing the lyrics to ’16 Tons,’ playing it to a kind of vamp sort of like ‘Proud Mary,’ and I sing ‘Some people say a man is made out of mud, a coal man’s made out of muscle and blood. Muscle and blood and skin and bones, a mind that’s weak and a back that’s…’ and I think, you know, that almost sounds like a recipe – muscle and blood and skin and bones, bake in a moderate oven for 2 hours, top with Miracle Whip. I had seen the movie Suddenly Last Summer about a week earlier on TV, and it had a revelation about cannibalism in it, and I thought, If it’s good enough for Tennessee Williams, it’s good enough for The Buoys. So I thought, Cannibalism during a mining disaster, that’ll get banned. It’s not like I’m really telling people to go out and eat someone, this is just this dark, horrible thing that happened in this story. So I write this lyric: ‘Timothy, Timothy, where on Earth did you go?’ It’s about three boys who are trapped in a mine with water but no food for maybe a week. When they’re pulled free, they don’t remember what happened, but they know they’re not hungry. One of them is missing, and that’s Timothy.

French Fry Thursday at Ugly American and Bards

frenchfry
Zero inches of snow does not deter Philadelphia’s only true man of leisure. Therefore, after a two martini lunch at the new Garces Trading Company, I am busily preparing questions for tonight’s quiz. I hope to see you there. First of all we’ve got a Bounty Bowl at the Ugly American. Anyone who can knock off L. Ron Hubbard’s Diabetics and take home the first prize can go home with $25 of my cash in addition to their $30 gift certificate. That’s $55 to your team if you win tonight. Ugly American at 8 p.m.

Then, on to the Bards at 10:15 p.m. Can somebody please put a decent team together and take Steak Em Up to the wood shed? Please? Call your smart friends. Tell them it is vital to the national security that they come out tonight. Let’s make this happen.

Are Humans Getting Smarter or Dumber?

 
Had a good discussion with some members of one of the teams at the Vous yesterday about “kids today” and decided to do a little research today on whether “kids today” are smarter than ever or destined to lead the world on the highway to hell due to their sheer stupidity. There are, needless to say, various theories on this topic. One comes from a 2007 article in the San Francisco Gate. The friend the writer mentions is a teacher.

We are now at a point where we are essentially churning out ignorant teens who are becoming ignorant adults and society as a whole will pay dearly, very soon…It’s gotten so bad that, as my friend nears retirement, he says he is very seriously considering moving out of the country so as to escape what he sees will be the surefire collapse of functioning American society in the next handful of years due to the absolutely irrefutable destruction, the shocking — and nearly hopeless — dumb-ification of the American brain. It is just that bad.

However, a recent article in the New York Times seems to think that we are smarter than ever, though acknowledging that IQ is in a large part determined by our surroundings. 

Another indication of malleability is that I.Q. has risen sharply over time. Indeed, the average I.Q. of a person in 1917 would amount to only 73 on today’s I.Q. test. Half the population of 1917 would be considered mentally retarded by today’s measurements, Professor Nisbett says.

This leads us to another professor, a man in New Zealand named James Flynn, who wrote  a book in which he explains what is commonly called the Flynn effect:

Your IQ is likely to be higher than those of your parents, and your children’s IQs is likely to be higher than yours.

“Our advantage over our ancestors is relatively uniform at all ages from the cradle to the grave,” says Flynn. Nobody knows if the gains will persist, but “there is no doubt that they dominated the 20th century and that their existence and size were quite unexpected.”

So what do you think? Do you think that mankind is getting smarter or dumber? Do you think that the generation behind us is way dumber than we are or way smarter than we are? Or are public education and IQ completely unrelated, and that those who are raised by caring parents have IQs are rising exponentially from generation to generation while those who have uneducated, absentee parents have IQs that remain stagnant from generation to generation? Interested to see what you guys think.  

RELATED: A more detailed account of this debate was in a 2003 article in Skeptic Magazine.