Gutless Cowards Do Their Dirty Work at Home

manny.jpg
The spineless LA Dodgers decided to not retaliate for Manny being thrown behind while they were still in Philly. Doing so might have caused the Philly fans to hurt their feelings. So they waited a few days, until they got back to LA and had a 6-1 lead in Game 3. Then Kuroda threw at Victorino’s head in what was, let’s face it, the only interesting moment of Game 3. I really wouldn’t have minded if Victorino had responded by throwing his bat at Kuroda. Sorry, but a 94 mph fastball is a lethal weapon, and paybacks are a b****. What was Russell Martin crying about all night? He got hit with a 50 mph pillow and started smashing Gatorade coolers. What a team of sissy punks. And Manny showed how tough he was, going into pro wrestler histrionics with three people holding him back and no chance of a fight. What a warrior! The Phillies take on the spineless yellow cowards again tonight at 8:22.

Scoreboard, Brought to you by Breadlines

breadline.jpg
O’NEALS

  1. Why’s the Rum Gone 96
  2. Nomads 95
  3. Whimsey McCloud 94
  4. The Upshot 84
  5. The Keating Three 77

BARDS

  1. Narcotyzing Dysfunktion 96
  2. Sofa Kingdom 91
  3. Great Depression 2: Electric Boogaloo 77
  4. These Flies Have West Nile 66
  5. Nudist Balloonists 65

LOCUST RENDEZVOUS

  1. The Jams 97
  2. Lawrence’s Last Stand 94
  3. Lead Paint: Delicious But Deadly 87
  4. OJ Stands for Offtoda Joint 85
  5. 400 Hours of Graphics 84

BLACK SHEEP

  1. Duane’s World 93
  2. Broad Street Bellies 87
  3. The Muttonchops 80
  4. Team Big Little 67
  5. Wildcard Bitches 66

GOOD DOG

  1. Invincible Ignorance 103
  2. Axis of Evil Knieval 92
  3. Lambda 82
  4. Doggoneyoubetchawink 77
  5. Where are my friends? 67

BARDS

  1. Hurtin Bombs 92
  2. Thrilla From Wasilla 75
  3. HBK 69
  4. I Put My 401 k on the Phillies 67
  5. Go Big or Go Home 59

Good For Her

sc0095a41801.jpg
When I was in the 4th grade, a kid named Matt H. (Front row, 2nd from right, with the pink ears. That’s me next to him, in all white.) used to always pick on me, and I would always come home in tears. Finally, my mom had had enough. So she said, “Call him and challenge him to a fight tomorrow.” I was astounded. My mom has never been a violent person at all, but apparently she realized that every once in a while, a person’s gotta stand up for themselves (and she knew that I was going to be calling his bluff.) So I called Matt H. and the conversation went as follows:

  • JGT: Hey Matt.
  • Matt: Hey.
  • JGT: Hey listen, I’m just calling to challenge you to a fight out by my swingset at 10 o’clock tomorrow morning.
  • Matt: Um, hold on a second. Let me go ask my mom. (long pause) Hey, my mom says I can’t fight you tomorrow. But do you want to go to the movies tonight?
  • JGT (Who was scared to death that he might accept the challenge): Yeah, sure!

And Matt H. and I have been friends ever since. So when I read about this mom in Dover who drove her daughter to the house of a girl who had been picking on her and told her to fight, I said, “Right on!” Yeah, the cops are pissed and the media won’t give you a fair shake, but every once in a while you gotta stand up to a bully, critics be damned. And, according to this story, the bully got her ass beat. Good on ya, I say. Maybe if the bully had invited her to the movies, none of this would have ever happened.

This is really, really cool

george-washington-picture.jpg
What if George Washington hadn’t been the first person to ever turn down the idea of being King for the good of his country? Who would be King now? George had no direct descendants, so the question is kind of tough to answer, but somebody at ancestry.com was able to figure it out. And if GW had declared himself King? Things would probably be about the same as they are now. The man who would be King is a George Bush supporter. Sidenote: my sister had a Custis in her class at school that was a direct descendant of Martha Washington (nee Custis) by her first husband. I wonder if that side of the family would have attempted to overthrow the Washingtons. Probably.
RELATED: A sort of Beckish rap about George Washington. (NSFW) Pretty funny.

Somebody has a crush on Me! Yessssss!

Now a lot of you probably think that I just sort through missed connections on craigslist everyday, hoping against hope that someday someone will leave a missed connection for a certain quizmaster. That accusation is nothing short of outlandish, and I can’t believe you even made it. That being said, I was searching through missed connections on Craigslist the other day for the first time in my entire life and happened to come across this. Awwww. I don’t know who it is, but needless to say I have a crush on them too.

Going off the Rails is this Crazy McCain

Senator-John-McCain--27354.jpg
McCain’s attacks on Obama recently have shrieked of desperation, as the right wing talking points now are the same tired topics that were relevant 6 months ago, when Hillary was trying to knock off Obama. But Obama has proven more evasive than Kerry with the Swift Boat or the Flip flopping, and in the midst of a horrific economic downturn that has American’s freaked, McCain’s attacks about people Obama served on an education board with in the mid 90s is just white noise. Obama won the first debate and he won again last night, with McCain’s only “highlight” being his cringeworthy “That One” comment. McCain’s current strategy seems to be, “I am so disgusted by this man that I won’t even call him by name.” It doesn’t seem to be working. Why? Because we saw hateful character attacks in 2000 by Bush (McCain has a black baby) and in 2004 (Swift Boat) and what did voting out of fear get this country? One of the three worst presidents in the history of this country, a man whose approval ratings are lower than Nixon’s on the day he resigned. McCain seems to have cast his lot, but it simply seems to paint him as a sad, angry old man, willing to shed his dignity and honor to sling mud, thinking that it’s the only way he can pull off an upset and defeat “That One.” It is a sad ending to the storied career of a great American.