Land of the Free?

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Oh really? How can you call this a free country when a guy can’t even drive around with an alligator in the back of his car and a water moccasin under the seat? Huh?

Seriously, though, you know what’s most amazing about this story? It’s that having a pet water moccasin in his car isn’t even the dumbest thing about this guy. No, there is nothing, not even having a pet alligator, you can do that is stupider than being white and having dreadlocks. Nothing. If I saw a white guy with normal hair jump into a pool full of killer whales and a white guy with dreadlocks solve the Riemann hypothesis, and I’d still think the white guy with dreadlocks was stupider. Cut your damn hair.

English as She is Spoke

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Just came across this and thought you guys might enjoy it. The book was English as She is Spoke, and it was written by a guy named Pedro Carolino in the 19th century. The author didn’t speak English, or have a Portuguese-English dictionary, but he did have a Portuguese-French dictionary and a French-English dictionary, so he just put 2 and 2 together. Needless to say, the results were astounding, and Pedro Carolino is basically the Ed Wood of the dictionary world. Of this book, Mark Twain said, “Nobody can add to the absurdity of this book, nobody can imitate it successfully, nobody can hope to produce its fellow; it is perfect.” Here are a few “idiotisms”, as they were called in the book.

  • In the country of blinds, the one eyed man are kings.
  • Few, few the bird make her nest.
  • Nothing some money, nothing of Swiss.
  • A horse bared don’t look him the tooth.
  • To craunch the marmoset.
  • The stone as roll not heap up not foam.
  • Keep the chestnut of the fire with the cat foot.
  • Burn the politeness.
  • Of the hand to mouth, one lose often the soup.

It also provided some good translations of various sentences. First is the Portuguese, followed by the correct translation (in italics), followed by the English as She Is Spoke translation.)
Zombo deles; o meu navio é armado em guerra, tenho equipagem vigilante e animosa; e as munições não me faltam.
I laugh at them; my ship is armed for war; I have an alert and courageous crew, and I have plenty of ammunition.
ES: I jest of them; my vessel is armed in man of war, i have a vigilant and courageous equipage, and the ammunitions don’t want me its.

Este lago parece-me bem piscoso. Vamos pescar para nos divertirmos.
This lake looks full of fish to me. Let’s have some fun fishing.
ES: That pond it seems me many multiplied of fishes. Let us amuse rather to the fishing.

Vamos mais depressa. Nunca vi pior besta. Não quer andar, nem para diante, nem para trás.
Let’s go faster. I never saw a worse animal. It doesn’t want to go either forward or backward.
ES: Go us more fast never i was seen a so much bad beast; she will not nor to bring forward neither put back.

Barriga cheia, cara alegre.
A full stomach makes for a content face.
ES: After the paunch comes the dance.
RELATED: More info on English as She Is Spoke.

Bike Porn?

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Every once in a while, I get a fairly astounding email that defies all logic. Such was the case today. I’m surprised my spam filter wasn’t alerted to the headline “bike porn in philly”, but I felt I had no choice but to open it. And the contents were rather amusing: what up johnny, I caught your show a while back when visiting some bike messengers in philly. I’m trying to find a good venue to screen a program of oversexualized bike movies I have curated called: The Pornography of the Bicycle. With all the publicity it is generating I bet we would pack a 300 seat venue, but I am hoping you could suggest a venue. thanks for your time, I hope you continue to have great success with your shows!

reverend phil
bicycle pornographer
http://bikesmut.com

I love the fact that he is a “curator” of “oversexualized bike movies” in the body of the paragraph, but in the end just calls himself a bicycle pornographer. Anyways, I told him the Troc would be perfect. I’ll be sure to let you know when this show occurs, in case you like oversexualized bike movies.

Coffee Mogul’s Latest Adventure

Some of you might remember my interview with La Colombe founder Todd Carmichael after he hiked to the South Pole a few years ago (If not, I highly recommend it. Pretty fascinating interview.) Anyways, he recently went at it again, this time trying to set a record for fastest trip from the Antarctic coast to the South Pole unassisted. He got off to a great start, but his partner soon suffered an injury and had to abandon the voyage, then he got hit by a blizzard that just never seemed to end. Anyways, the video is pretty interesting as is the website.

Swap Shoppin’

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The guy over at That Blue Yak regularly listens to “Ron’s Swap Shop”, a radio show hosted by the self proclaimed “Sultan of Swap” Ron McNeil (right) on an AM station out in West Chester, and his descriptions of the show are hilarious. They have to get streaming radio on their website! I’m from a small town that has a swap shop show, and I once heard a guy call in trying to sell a Go-cart “that got pretty smashed up when I ran it into a wall last week”. Anyways, I just took a look at the website for the Swap Shop on WESR, the radio station near me, and I found that people were trying to buy or sell the following items in the past couple of weeks. I swear I am not making these up:

  • Free: old bricks in Cape Charles
  • Looking for a hood for a ’73 Chevy pickup
  • Looking to trade deer antlers!!!!
  • Electric breast pump $25
  • Looking to buy large rabbits
  • Looking for someone to trap muskrats
  • Free 42″ screen tv. Does not work.

Because who couldn’t use some old bricks, a tv that doesn’t work, or a used breast pump? And I really wish I knew the story behind the trading of the deer antlers. Was the guy hoping to impress some people with bigger antlers than he had? Or did his wife tell him that the antlers on the wall were too big, and he needed to downsize? Also, don’t bother calling the one guy if you have medium sized rabbits. Large rabbits only! Finally, I love that someone got so fed up with the dang muskrats that they decided to do something about it…and that something was calling Swap Shop.

Ryugyong Hotel Gets Screwed Over by Esquire!

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Esquire Magazine recently did a “7 Wonders of the Totalitarian World“, and guess what got nary a mention? The most amazing hotel on Earth. Esquire, I don’t know who did your “fact checking”, but anyone who thinks some crappy ass statue of some dude from the Congo is more impressive than a 105 story hotel without windows is out of their mind. Are you serious? This is an outrage to those of us who appreciate totalitarian wonders. I expect a front page apology in your next episode, or I will be canceling my subscription.

Happy Birthday Tab!

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While looking at his wiki entry, I came across the following incredible photo of him hanging with his bud John Bromfield, who had his initials monogrammed on his tighty whiteys right next to his unit while talking on the phone with a young and dare I say nieve Tab Hunter listening in. Challenges “Raising the Flag at Iwo Jima” as greatest photo ever. I’m going to monogram my tighty whiteys right now. And oh by the way, I would like to remark on what a dumbass I am, b/c for a while I thought Tab Hunter was the star of Hunter.

Worthless info

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It’s beautiful outside, and I’m sitting here coming up with questions for quizzo. It’s a damn shame. Anyway, here’s a few worthless nuggets to get you through the day:

*Want to hear the worst voice ever? Here is former Philly resident Florence Jenkins’s Myspace page (she’s apparently still going strong at age 139), where you can hear her sing. Here is her wiki entry.

*Men are struck by lightning four times as often as women.

*Read about Poon Lim, who survived at sea by himself for 133 days.

*Do you know what a funambulist is?