Former astronaut and moonwalker Dr. Edgar Mitchell claims that aliens have been visiting us on earth, and that they are much more sophisticated than us. “I’ve been in military and intelligence circles, who know that beneath the surface of what has been public knowledge, yes – we have been visited. Reading the papers recently, it’s been happening quite a bit.” He’s right, by the way. I’ve dated a couple of them.

A writer from Philly Mag called me a few weeks ago, told me I had won Best Of…Quizzo, and asked me a few questions to include in the publication. No kidding. So needless to say, I was a bit surprised when the latest issue carried no mention of quizzo. Seems pretty strange for someone to be told that they won, then getting zeroed. Being a conspiracy buff, I wonder if this had anything to do with me having my trophy taken away. And if they indeed took away the prize because of that, all I can say is: I didn’t mean it, Philly Mag! Promise! I hate this city too! Please, I need this! Things are bad! I had to cancel at Good Dog two weeks ago! For the love of God, please give me my trophy back! Pleeease!

Word on the streets is that there will be pirates at Saturday nights quizzo at the Franklin Institute. While I know that this is worrisome to some people, as pirates are known to maim and kill innocent people for sport, JGT’s Security of the First World detail is doing everything they can to keep the event safe. “Are we concerned about the possibility of pirates?” asked Goodtimes at a recent news conference. “Absolutely. But I guarantee everyone attending that they will probably be safe. Maybe.” More on this frightening development as it develops.

(Updated changes in bold) Alright gang, should be a great show this Saturday. The Pirate exhibit sounds pretty sweet, and we’re gonna do a Pirate quizzo Saturday night at the Franklin at 8 p.m. Yes, all questions about pirates, more or less. Now, I’m not sure I can make it due to some previous business plans, but my good friend Randy the Buccaneer told me he can fill in if need be. So we’ll see. However, I must warn you: there have been rumors of actual pirates attending, and they are armed and dangerous, so you would probably be safer to like go to Glam or something. Basically, it’s gonna be free, and the top two teams walk off with the Booty. The winning team will walk away with a prize package that will include passes to check out the Pirate exhibit. They are encouraging reservations by calling (215) 448-1254. Here’s a National Geographic article on the ship that is on display.

My long time nemesis and overall jerk Chip Chantry is hosting a comedy show at the Khyber tonight and trust me, you’ll want to go because this guy who does a character called “Security Officer Barnes” is performing and it is one of the most insane and hilarious characters I have ever seen. It’s only $5, and yeah, you’ll have to sit through Chip’s dumbass set but the rest of it should be hilarious. Also, Chip just did a little write-up about Austin, Texas, and it’s only slightly longer than the Constitution, except less funny. So if you’re in an airport and your flight just got delayed until tomorrow afternoon, you should really check it out. Also, the show has Steve Gerben and Secret Pants on it, and they are both pretty funny. Whatever.

Remember that awesome North Korean hotel that has never been opened and is totally creepy in Pyongyang? Well, great news! It’s back under construction! I am so fired up about this.

• Some good stuff over at the Kerri Lee Blog. Yesterday I posted some odd jobs (including fortune cookie writer and dog food testers), today I posted some weird news. Check ’em out.
• Want to become a McDonalds CEO and destroy the world to make cheap burgers? Then play this video game (It’s a little too hard for me. I drove Mickey Dees right into the ground.) And while we’re on the topic of McDonald’s, this is just absolutely mind blowing: Jesus freaks are boycotting McDonald’s because Mick Dees supports gay marriage. The comments on this site are absolutely priceless.
• Excellent piece by Bill Lyons about the Spectrum. I only ever saw a Phantoms game there, but I got chickenskin several times while reading this column. Great piece.
• And quizzo tonight at Rendezvous at 6:15 p.m. and Black Sheep at 8 p.m. See ya then

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I decided to go to Church for the first time in like 5 years on Sunday. I’ve been thinking about attending for a while, and waking up pretty refreshed on Sunday, I figured, “Why not?” So I went to the First Unitarian Church at 21st and Chestnut. Long story short, everyone was really nice, there were a couple of cute girls, free coffee, and a very mellow environment (no Bible passages, weird chants, etc.) It was nice.

After church I was strolling around Chestnut street when I saw an old lady walking down some stairs. And when I say old, I mean really, really old. In all seriousness, she was at least 95 or 96**, and as fragile as a fall leaf. She had a blue boot on her right foot, and really seemed to be having a hard time navigating the stairs with her cane. A gentleman in front of me asked her if she needed any help. She ignored him. I assumed it was because she was so old that she couldn’t hear him. I was feeling especially charitable, having just attended church and all, so I walked over and stuck out my arm toward her.

“Mam, would you care to take my arm?” I asked, as sweetly as I could. She looked up and stared me dead in the eye, and replied, with her voice rising, “I don’t need any F***ING help. You’re the 5th F***ING person to ask me if I need any help and the answer is no.” Dumbfounded, I sort of staggered away. The gentleman who had asked her before me, a husky black man in his early 50s wearing an Atlanta Hawks jersey hollered, “You didn’t have to say that! You did not have to say that!” at the woman. She paid him no mind. “Gonna ruin somebody’s Sunday like that! Ain’t no sense in it.”

“I know,” I added to the man in the jersey. “And I just got out of church.”

As BMT stated when I told him that story Sunday night, “Sir, you just got shot down by a 95 year old woman.” I guess that’s what I get for going to church and for trying to help old people.

**Possibly in her 100s.

Prom was awesome. The action kicked off when me and Casey (purple tux, below) decided to meet up at the Suit Corner at 3rd and Market at 5 p.m. to grab matching suits. We got a great deal, as we each got our swanky tuxes for $49.98. The guy who waited on us was really cool. I highly recommend the Suit Corner for all of your shopping needs, particularly if pink tuxedo is one of the things you are shopping for.

Casey and I picked up our dates (mine was RPS legend April Annie) at around 9 p.m., then walked to the Positano Coast at 2nd and Walnut to meet with the lovely Ginger and her prom date, Lance Romance. It was the perfect pre-prom place. The food was pretty decent, but more importantly, it had various vistas of the Italian coastline, so we got some sweet prom photos. Only regret of the night: Ben Franklin was walking out as we were walking in, and I was gonna ask him to get a photo with us but I totally froze up. Damnit, I’m such a choker!

After dinner and photos we headed over to the Moshulu for the actual prom. Needless to say, since this was prom, we totally hooked up a flask. We’re such badasses. None of the chaperones caught us, either.

Unfortunately, we got there right after a sweet hip hop set, and they started playing 80s white people music which is fun but kind of hard to dance to, at least for me. The crowd was pretty dressed up for the most part, but in 80s gear, not in classy prom gear like us. There were several celebrities on hand as well, including Steve-O, Chill Rob A, Proust Scholar, and Quizmaster Chris.

Finally, I heard the opening piano riff of OPP and it was on. That was followed by Rumpshaker, so I was totally getting down.

After prom we all headed back to April Annie’s place for the post party. We were all pretty exhausted from all that dancing by then, so we just sat around and shot the bull until the lovely Ginger became allergic to April’s cats and then the party was over. But all in all, a magical prom evening, without question the best prom I’ve been to in the 2000s.

You can check out more prom photos over at Ginger’s website.