As you may have heard, the co-creator of the Berenstain Bears, Stan Berenstain, died earlier this week. My friend and local comedian Andy Nolan has long been known in the local comedy community for writing great headlines and eulogies when celebrities die (When the pope died, he wrote a Prince parody which ended, “I only want to see you breathing…in the Papal Reign”). So here’s the one he did when Berenstain died.
His wife did the words,
And he did illustration,
Now Papa Bear’s gone into
Permanent hibernation.

His bears were not bare.
They were clothes wearers.
Now they serve at his funeral
As his pall bearers.

Due to his horrid performance in last night’s quizzo (3 teams fininished with scores more than twice as high as his team’s), I am asking that you not visit D-Mac’s website, PhiladelphiaWillDo. There’s just no way you can trust a blogger whose team can only score a 50. With all of the time that you’ll be saving by not checking D-Mac’s website, I highly encourage you to check this one, called Pandora. It’s really awesome. You tell it what kind of music you like, and it finds and plays other stuff that it thinks you might also like. I found it on Blinq. Oh, and the Rant contestdeadline has been extended until Monday. I’ve started getting some pretty good ones, but be sure to get your rant in so you can win those tix to the Adventure Aquarium.

There has been a rumor buzzing this morning that the Phils are gonna trade Bobby Abreu to the Red Sox for Manny Ramirez. Yeah, I’m sure Philly’s gonna love a guy who thinks that defense is something that goes around deyard. He’ll hit a lot of homers and drive in a lot of runs, but Bobby was a great offensive player, too, and he provided speed on the basepaths. Not to mention that he seemed to be a good clubhouse guy. And plenty of people in Philly hate him because he was a little slack on defense. So what is Philly gonna do with a guy that can only hit, can’t run, who is constantly whining about wanting to be traded, and who doesn’t play defense at all? Manny better hope he isn’t traded here, because this town will eat him alive.

There will never be a Christmas light display more impressive than this one. You need audio for this one. On the other hand, here are some of the worst Christmas light displays ever (click on 2005 collection on the left hand side).

George Michael’s getting married. Hey, send in your rants. So far I’ve got like five. Come on, people, get it together. I got to head to Spanish class, but in the meantime, check out these Woody Allen quotes and this animated gif of Henry Earl, the guy who’s been arrested over 900 times in Kentucky. These are his mugshots.

In case you missed it, last week our boy G-Dubs spoke with Tony Blair about the possibility of blowing up al-jazeera, the Middle Eastern television station. Anyways, several reporters at Al-Jazeera started a blog called Don’t Bomb Us, and are now asking people to promise to publish the memo if it is released. Is it just me, or does Bush have to be more careful who is allowed in the room when he and Blair have secret meetings to discuss killing people? Geez, this is the 2nd leaked memo out of England in the last seven months! Also, here is an interesting paragraph from the Don’t Bomb Us blog:
[Al-Jazeera has] never shown beheadings, referred to American forces as “the enemy”, and waited until US networks showed the Bin Laden video before they aired it themselves. Such are urban myths, spread to good effect by certain, otherwise respectable news outlets. And this is despite their offices in Kabul and Baghdad being bombed by American forces in unfortunate “accidents”, a number of Al Jazeera reporters dying in “accidental” US attacks, virtually every member of the Jazeera Baghdad bureau having been arrested by US forces at some stage or other, and at least two Jazeera workers imprisoned for reasons unknown in Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay.

This Italian American singer had hits with the songs “Just a Gigolo” and “Jump Jive and Wail”. Who is he?

Billy Wagner just signed with the Mets. Looks like CB Park is gonna be pretty empty this year. The only bright side? Well, let me just take this sentence directly from the article: Gillick said Wagner’s agent, Bean Stringfellow, called the Phillies on Monday afternoon to inform them of Wagner’s decision. At least Bean Stringfellow was involved. Otherwise I’d be totally depressed. And hey, Wagner isn’t that tough. In fact, I doubt he’s ever SET A HUMAN BEING ON FIRE!!!!

Hey, never had a chance to congratulate Luke, who came up with the idea of an element/not an element round a couple of weeks ago. Nice work. Also, as far as that Philly mag bashing I promised earlier, it might have to wait till tommorrow. Usually, I pick up that mag and can stand it for about 5 minutes, and find plenty of things to make fun of almost immediately. But this issue is kind of…um…uh…good. I read for like an hour and still have more to read. I’m sure I’ll be able to bash the cover story about Philly being cool, but I haven’t read that one yet. So check back manana.

Alright, the holiday is over, and you are back at work. You just had a number of awkward family moments, you ate too much, you made out with somebody completely inapproriate, and now you’ve returned to the salt mines. You really feel like ranting, but you don’t really have anybody to rant to. Well, now you do. Send me your angriest/funniest rant about anything (your job, your family, your holiday, the president, the Eagles, your boyfriend/girlfriend, etc.) You can even leave a codename if you like, so you won’t be found out. And you can make it as long as you want, from a sentence to a short story. Send your rant to johnny@johnnygoodtimes.com. I’ll be posting the best ones, and the most excellent one gets two passes to the Adventure Aquarium in historic Camden and 2nd place gets a $15 gift certificate to the Good Dog! Contest ends Friday. Also, tune in later today. I just got the latest issue of Philadelphia magazine, and I feel like bashing it. But first I need to get a cup of coffee.