Former astronaut and moonwalker Dr. Edgar Mitchell claims that aliens have been visiting us on earth, and that they are much more sophisticated than us. “I’ve been in military and intelligence circles, who know that beneath the surface of what has been public knowledge, yes – we have been visited. Reading the papers recently, it’s been happening quite a bit.” He’s right, by the way. I’ve dated a couple of them.

A writer from Philly Mag called me a few weeks ago, told me I had won Best Of…Quizzo, and asked me a few questions to include in the publication. No kidding. So needless to say, I was a bit surprised when the latest issue carried no mention of quizzo. Seems pretty strange for someone to be told that they won, then getting zeroed. Being a conspiracy buff, I wonder if this had anything to do with me having my trophy taken away. And if they indeed took away the prize because of that, all I can say is: I didn’t mean it, Philly Mag! Promise! I hate this city too! Please, I need this! Things are bad! I had to cancel at Good Dog two weeks ago! For the love of God, please give me my trophy back! Pleeease!

Word on the streets is that there will be pirates at Saturday nights quizzo at the Franklin Institute. While I know that this is worrisome to some people, as pirates are known to maim and kill innocent people for sport, JGT’s Security of the First World detail is doing everything they can to keep the event safe. “Are we concerned about the possibility of pirates?” asked Goodtimes at a recent news conference. “Absolutely. But I guarantee everyone attending that they will probably be safe. Maybe.” More on this frightening development as it develops.

(Updated changes in bold) Alright gang, should be a great show this Saturday. The Pirate exhibit sounds pretty sweet, and we’re gonna do a Pirate quizzo Saturday night at the Franklin at 8 p.m. Yes, all questions about pirates, more or less. Now, I’m not sure I can make it due to some previous business plans, but my good friend Randy the Buccaneer told me he can fill in if need be. So we’ll see. However, I must warn you: there have been rumors of actual pirates attending, and they are armed and dangerous, so you would probably be safer to like go to Glam or something. Basically, it’s gonna be free, and the top two teams walk off with the Booty. The winning team will walk away with a prize package that will include passes to check out the Pirate exhibit. They are encouraging reservations by calling (215) 448-1254. Here’s a National Geographic article on the ship that is on display.

My long time nemesis and overall jerk Chip Chantry is hosting a comedy show at the Khyber tonight and trust me, you’ll want to go because this guy who does a character called “Security Officer Barnes” is performing and it is one of the most insane and hilarious characters I have ever seen. It’s only $5, and yeah, you’ll have to sit through Chip’s dumbass set but the rest of it should be hilarious. Also, Chip just did a little write-up about Austin, Texas, and it’s only slightly longer than the Constitution, except less funny. So if you’re in an airport and your flight just got delayed until tomorrow afternoon, you should really check it out. Also, the show has Steve Gerben and Secret Pants on it, and they are both pretty funny. Whatever.