The Troy McClure’s were able to fight off the Sloe Gin Quiz on Monday night, despite tragically losing one of their leaders, Chucky Needlebump. Chucky, who had taken a part time gig as a prison guard at the Bastille, was overcome by a swarm of the bloodthirsty bourgeois. They led him to the Hotel de Ville, where, utilizing the most humane form of execution yet, they guillotined his head. “We were able to retrieve the head before they hung it on a post at the city gates,” said team member and Jeanne Luc Pierre. “Viva La France! Viva La Troy McClure’s!”

Skeletons in the Closet were able to knock out the competition at the first ever Johnny Goodtimes Marriage Spectacular. But
Mike “Dr.” Love, who’s celebration it was, wasn’t entirely pleased with Goodtimes. “Listen, this was kind of a low key affair. I don’t know why Johnny felt the need to show off by bringing his celebrity friends Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra. This was my day, not theirs.” Johnny thinks Mike was just bitter because his team finished last, and Carmen and Dave played for the winners.

***Congratulations Mike and Beth!!!

In a scathing article three weeks ago, Johnny Goodtimes claimed that the City Paper was satisfied with being second best. He was eating those words on Wednesday, as staff members of the City Paper won at both Black Sheep and Nick’s. Johnny, who claims he was misquoted (which doesn’t make much sense, since he wrote the article), was humiliated after the events. To further discredit the Quiz Doctor, City Paper revealed it’s cover for next week’s paper (below).

After three rounds, Quizzo’s Harder than Michael Jackson at Disneyland and the Clinical Pearl Necklace were tied at 51 at Doc Watson’s on Monday. But any chance the Necklaces had to win were shot when the Quizzo’s scored forty in the final round to take the title. Michael Jackson, meanwhile, was furious at the team name, because “it implies something sexual. When I hide behind trees at Disneyland and stare at children, it isn’t sexual. It’s because I’m creepy.”

The Wardrobe Malfunction was able to pull off a big 14 point win at Nick’s on Wednesday night. “It was a big win for us,” said former Brat-Packer James Spader (In photo, with Polo sweater and collar up.) As for Spader’s future plans? “My career kind of stalled after the eighties. I’m hoping hanging out with an international megastar like Johnny Goodtimes will get me some ‘ins’ in showbiz.”

The Wet Gremlin Fart carried themselves with the swagger of a champion Monday at Doc Watson’s, arriving 20 minutes late and then crushing the competition, becoming only the second team at Doc Watson’s to join the 100 point club. Then, in the team photo, they proved that they did all that with the handicap of being certifiably insane.

Who is Robert Morvillo?

You Better Have My Cheez Whiz, led by Howard Dean, won at Nick’s Roast Beef on Wednesday night, but might have damaged their campaign when they allowed Dean to provide an impromptu stump speech at the conclusion of the contest. “After this, we’re going to Doc Watson’s,” the Democratic hopeful screamed, almost maniacally. “Then we’re going to O’Neals, and we’re going to the Bards, and we’re going to win it at Rendezvous, and win at Black Sheep, and then we’ll come back and win at Nick’s again!!!Waaaaaaaaaaaa!

A team calling itself “One Outta Two Ain’t Bad NASA” won on Monday at Doc Watson’s, leaving NASA incensed. The space agency quickly sent a third rover, this one named “Enforcer,” to the bar. It arrived shortly after the contest ended and zapped team leader Lars Lieberman, killing him instantly. “I can’t believe NASA would act in such a heartless manner,” said team member Stacy Wordsworth. “I mean, we were just kind of playing around with the team name. If we had known it would lead to death and destruction, we probably would have picked a name like the Ponies or something.” NASA faces a $500 fine from the Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee.

What? You think I forgot to take a picture of “Is That a Barnacle” on Monday after they won Quizzo at Doc Watson’s and just used an old photo of them winning from another bar? Are you out of your mind? That’s ridiculous. Johnny Goodtimes is an infallible pro, and your insinuation that I would make such a stupid mistake fills me with anger. I’m going to have to ask you to leave the room.