Month: November 2007

Paris Hilton Loves Drunk Elephants, Hates Giant Groundhogs

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Just when I thought that there couldn’t be anything more amazing than the 4:20 news, I stumble onto this little gem. Apparently the Pennsylvania Groundhog wanted to get its picture taken with Paris Hilton last night. No problem, right? Wrong, apparently people have been trying to kill Paris by hiding dynamite in giant rodent heads or something, because they said that the groundhog’s head was a security risk and made him take it off. Then Paris refused to pose for a photo with the Headless groundhog, despite the fact that he had spent $55 on her toilet water. Had the groundhog, at that point, said, “That’s it, b****” and thrown her thru a window, it would have been the greatest thing to ever happen in world history (and yes, I am including fire.)

Around the Horn, brought to you by Denny’s

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-Does everyone who works for NBC10 stick their freaking heads in a hole in the ground as soon as they go off the air and keep them there until the next show? I mean seriously, first we had Lori Wilson muffing a line, and now we’ve got this. Coming tomorrow night, NBC10 explores a new fad called “Rap Music”. (Here’s the absolutely priceless video. “I consider myself a relatively hip guy” is one of the greatest lines in tv history. Also,did he steal that “4:20 is the deadliest time of the day” line from “Reefer Madness”?This is, honestly, the greatest local news story I have ever seen.)

-Speaking of deadly marijuana, Ricky Williams might be playing for the ‘Fins against the Eagles on Sunday. Wow, this could get interesting. Also, I’d like to add that it makes perfectly good sense that a guy who occasionally puffs on the lala gets a longer suspension than players that shoot people. I think that is very justifiable. The NFL is a joke.

–It’s things like this that remind us how important and life affirming the intranets can be. You have to see this video. (SFW)

-The other day, after a game Laker coach Phil Jackson said, “We call this a ‘Brokeback Mountain’ game, because there’s so much penetration and kickouts.” Later he said he was sorry, but not before adding, “If I’ve offended any horses, Texans, cowboys or gays, I apologize.” Phil, I am sitting here with a very upset horse. I hope you’re happy. (Link to story here.)

Quizzo Not Cancelled Despite Hilton Appearance

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Although quizzo players and fans of Paris Hilton are essentially the exact same demographic, JGT has decided to still hold quizzo tonight, despite the fact that she will be selling her perfume at the same time. “Did we think about canceling the Rendezvous quizzo? Sure. I doubt anyone’s gonna be there. I know for a fact that Darth Ern and the entire Trust Us We Know squad will be in line at Macy’s. But the show must go on.” Goodtimes is expected to be releasing his own fragrance, Quiz Eau, in the near future.

Quizzo News and Notes

-Regular JGT commenter and former quizzo player Garrett moved to South Korea a few months ago. He seems to like South Korea, but it’s missing something: Quizzo. So he has decided to start his own, at a bar called, remarkably, Phillies. Crazed thought: Quizzo becomes a huge hit in South Korea and word of it’s popularity reaches Pyongyang. Then, in something strikingly similar to ping-pong diplomacy, JGT is called in to host quizzo in North Korea, and finally gets to lay eyes on that crazy hotel and also meet with his idol, Kim Jong Il.

-Think I have a performer lined up for Quizzo Bowl IV. And let me be honest: It’s gonna be amazing.

-In talks with Denver and Seattle about a little 3 city contest next month. Will have more details soon.

-Rumor has it the Minions are returning to the Black Sheep tonight. And what were these murmurs I was hearing from the Inflatable Haggis? Would love to see some old schoolers come back out sometime soon. (including WTF, Missing Heads, Goats, and the Axis of Evil Knieval.)

-Quizzo tonight: Locust Rendezvous at 6:15, Black Sheep at 8 p.m. Hope to see you there! Got a pretty interesting wild card round this week.

Around the Horn, brought to you by Rap Graphs


-Wish that hip-hop made better use of graphs and charts? WIsh no further my friend. Finally, a number of graphs that explain what “No Barking From the Dog” and “No Smog” Equal if you include a “Breakfast with No Hog”.

-Still don’t have Thanksgiving plans yet? Foobooz has you covered.

-It’s been a rough couple of years for the good ol’ Red, White, and Blue, but finally we have something to hang our hats on: The Clap. We’re getting it in record numbers! Woo-hoo. Good work, gang!

-Bob Ford to Phillies: Open up your freaking wallets and bring Rowand back and this city will make your investment worthwhile. The Phils are at a magical moment – one in which spectacular young talent is crossing the stage in a wonderful ballpark before a fan base that is wildly anxious, dying actually, to reconnect with the game.

What is “Digg It”?

You’ll see above the stories now a little thing that says “Digg It”. How it works is as follows: You see a story you like, you hit Digg It, and link the story to them. When they see interesting story that has a few diggs, they post it on their very popular website. Yes, you do have to sign up for it, but it takes like 30 seconds and it’s free and they won’t nag you with a bunch of junk mail.* And that way, on those remarkably rare occasions when I post something interesting, you can recommend it to other people to read.

*Every person who signs up for it will get a free high five from yours truly!

Even After Win, Cataldi Beats Dead Horse

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The great Mike Schmidt once said, “Philadelphia is the only city where you can experience the thrill of victory and the agony of reading about it the next day.” So is the case today, as WIP loudmouth, Metro scribe, and McNabb basher Angelo Cataldi spews vitriol at Donovan again in his column. Nevermind that McNabb is the greatest quarterback in this team’s history, nevermind that he’s trying to come back from a career threatening injury, and nevermind that he LED THE TEAM TO A FREAKING WIN. Nope, none of that matters when you work for WIP. All that’s important is that you keep the assault on your own players going when the going gets tough.

In the column, the statement McNabb made last week that he’s not the whole reason that the Eagles are so bad (which was an obvious and fairly benign statement if you ask me) is seen as “throwing his teammates under the bus”. I love how WIP wants to have it both ways. They complain that Andy Reid only speaks in platitudes, then when Donovan actually speaks his mind, they launch an all out assault against him and say that he’s a terrible leader. But of course. Because any old terrible leader could lead a team with receivers named Thrash and Pinkston to three consecutive championship games, and terrible leaders are often 5 time Pro Bowlers.

Of course, the fans that call into WIP are just as absurd. Philadelphia always claims that it loves guys who gut it out, win or lose. So when McNabb came back early from such a serious injury, despite the fact that he could have easily taken a few more months to recuperate, did Philadelphia Eagle fans embrace him with open arms, appreciative of the fact that he wanted to play so badly that he was willing to risk his career by coming back early from a devastating injury? Hell no. They just screamed and hollered about how we shouldn’t have let Jeff Garcia go. Which raises the question: Do Philadelphia sports fans only appreciate gutsy though ultimately flawed performances from fictional white boxers, and not from actual black quarterbacks?