Around the Horn, brought to you by Dwayne Schintzius

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Miss New Jersey released those blackmail photos this morning and, are you ready for this, they include one dude squeezing her boobs, one guy biting her boob, and her kissing another guy!!! OMG, that is like so grounds for, like, whatever. That whore! I thought she only loved me!

-You know how I did that thing on Lawchair Larry last week for the Metro? Well, I have an unbelievable update. A guy in Oregon went up in a lawnchair last week, though he got the proper permits, etc.

-Not to self: If involved in an elaborate plan to rob a bank, do NOT allow the other robbers to tie a time bomb around your neck. There is a chance it could end badly. I think I smell a Darwin Award winer.

-From Dan Gross’s column, I learned that Stephon Marbury will be promoting his new sneakers tomorrow at the Franklin Mills Mall. I have become quite a Marbury fan in the last year due to his attempts to make affordable shoes “kool” and stop the senseless mindset that somone needs a $180 pair of shoes to succeed in basketball or be popular. I blasted Lebron “Shill” James for his ignorant statements about those shoes a couple of months ago.

Bush Hates the Special Olympics

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The Bush administration hates the Special Olympics, says the former Surgeon General. From the NY Times article: And administration officials even discouraged him (the Surgeon General) from attending the Special Olympics because, he said, of that charitable organization’s longtime ties to a “prominent family” that he refused to name.
“I was specifically told by a senior person, ‘Why would you want to help those people?’ ” Dr. Carmona said.
The Special Olympics is one of the nation’s premier charitable organizations to benefit disabled people, and the Kennedys have long been deeply involved in it.

I hate the Special Olympics too, but that’s because the “Everyone’s a winner” theme is too reminiscent of a communist force we worked so hard to overthrow. And you know how I hate communists.

Happy Birthday Tab!

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While looking at his wiki entry, I came across the following incredible photo of him hanging with his bud John Bromfield, who had his initials monogrammed on his tighty whiteys right next to his unit while talking on the phone with a young and dare I say nieve Tab Hunter listening in. Challenges “Raising the Flag at Iwo Jima” as greatest photo ever. I’m going to monogram my tighty whiteys right now. And oh by the way, I would like to remark on what a dumbass I am, b/c for a while I thought Tab Hunter was the star of Hunter.

Around the Horn, brought to you by Uncle Goodtimes

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Trivia Art tells us how to celebrate the French tearing the heads off rich people in the 1790s in his weekly Metro column.

-Philadelphia Weekly blogger, quizzo regular, and all around swell guy D-Mac posts a column about Barbaro that is somewhat amusing, but not nearly amusing as the comments that follow from outraged Barbaro fans. “The echoes of the benefits for all horses brought about by this horse will reverberate for decades.” is a good one, which was quickly answered by, “just what are the benefits of this horse that will go on for decades? Glue only lasts a few years before its all used up.” Which was followed by, “I feel sorry for you that you can’t comprehend the power of love.” This is one of the awesomest comment threads I’ve ever read.

-Over/under on pics of my niece on this website before the end of the year: 734.

Somehow I missed this like two weeks ago. (Fair is fair, I came across this in a roundabout way via Philebrity.)

Why, today’s the anniversary!

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As you may or may not know, my 2nd favorite Founding Father other than Thomas Jefferson is the vice president that he despised, Aaron Burr. And every year, the celebration of Burr’s victory over Alex Hamilton gets me all giddy, b/c Hamilton was a cocky jackass, although I think modern America is much closer to his vision than Jefferson’s. Anyways, Burr has been relegated to one hit wonder status, which is unfair and unfortunate. It’s like Buckner. He got almost 3,000 hits and all people remember is that stupid ball between the legs. He was a hero of the Revolutionary War (Burr, not Buckner), though he totally got screwed by Washington (Buckner got screwed by manager John McNamara, who should have replaced him with Dave Stapleton). Burr was a politician’s politician, who, after agreeing to run as a vice-presidential candidate with Jefferson, decided to wait around and see if the House elected him President when a snag in the system gave them an electoral tie. After shooting Hamilton, he moved out west, where Jefferson claimed he was starting an insurrection. It has never been fully determined what he was doing out west, but despite being hated by nearly everyone in the US for shooting Hamilton, his shrewd lawyer skills got him acquitted of treason. He then bandied about Europe as essentially a gypsy, crashing on the couches of friends until they got sick of him, then moving ot the next country and next friend. I think many of us can relate (to the crashing friends couches, not the shooting someone and being charged with treason.) Finally, he returned to the US, where he became an extremely succesful lawyer. But let’s face it, the highlight of his career was the duel. Here’s some good duel stuff to get you through the day:
*The 411 on the 187.
*ESPN’s coverage of the duel. Pretty funny.
*Letters exchanged between Hamilton and Burr before becoming college roomates.
*Read what the seconds and the attending physician said about the event.

What???

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Dan Gross just gave free publicity to some guy for being a complete and total douchebag. One of my favorite comedians, Jon Lovitz, was performing, and this guy starting heckling him. Needless to say, I hate hecklers almost as much as evildoers hate freedom. Here’s the report:
Port Richmond’s Mike Phillips says he was “just having a good time” at the Borgata Friday, when he heckled comedian Jon Lovitz, who was performing at the Atlantic City hot spot. Phillips, 30, first made a reference to an old Chris Farley “SNL” sketch, which Lovitz didn’t appreciate, and the pair exchanged words intermittently throughout Lovitz’s set. Phillips, a beer vendor by day, returns to the airwaves of WNJC (1360-AM) on July 19 for the Party Zone with Mike Phillips. He’ll host from 9 to 10 p.m. Thursdays. It can also be heard at wnjc1360.com. Phillips will have his schedule of guests at myspace.com/radio star2007.

Hey Mike: there’s a reason that Lovitz is playing the Borgota and you’re hosting “The Party Zone” on 1360 am, you hack jackass (Full disclosure: I used to host a show on 1360 AM). Dan Gross’s column is one of my guilty pleasures, but I think it sends a pretty poor message that all you have to do to earn some free pub is to heckle a famous comedian.

Willie Gee Gets Fired

Worry not, sports fans. Willie’s job on the website has never been safer, but things at the thrift store he was working at didn’t go so well. As you know, he has had several run-ins with employers in the past, and there was an “altercation” on friday that led to his dismissal. I’ll let him tell you what went down:
As far as the job went, I liked it all right, but it was always really busy, which was beginning to wear on me. Being on the register sucked, which is where I had the altercation with the customer. I’ve worked at a mall during Christmas and it wasnt nearly that bad. Then, when I wasn’t on the register I liked it a lot better, but I had to bend down a lot to pick stuff up and it was really bothering my back. Between that and playing sports at night, something had to go and I guess this was it. A lot of customers were pains in the asses, although most of the people I worked with were cool (except the one manager who fired me, I think we were on a collision course). I don’t know where these customers get off being so demanding. I’m not comfortable being that way, and the reception has never been warm when I have been. I think the lady at the register did have it coming, but I also feel as if I overreacted a little or at least lost my head a little. She decided she didn’t want the items that she had purchased because of my attitude, so I had to call in a manager to void the transaction (which made embezzlement pretty difficult). So, she started telling the manager all this bullshit so I made a pretty mean gesture (the “finger across the throat” slit motion) at her with little regard for who was looking, and the manager caught me. I was then terminated. I left pretty willingly, but then came back later in the day to drop off a letter regarding the incident and to pay someone the $2 I owed them. When that happened, this cop that gets paid to watch the place said I couldn’t come in there and was giving me some problems, so I called him a pig on my way out. It was quite a day.