Before you Beat the Champs, Meet the Champs

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Rick Ames, Esq., is a former counsel to Dead Kennedys, Pearl Harbor & the Explosions and Romeo Void, intimate friend of Symbionese Liberation Army, frequent visitor to Graceland. He is looking for a 40-50 year old woman who enjoys sunsets, booing Mike Lieberthal, and Quaaludes.

Strengths: Ability to read other people’s thoughts, transcendental medidation, the history of dentistry

Weaknesses: You kind of caught me off guard there. I’m sure if you gave me a minute I could come up with one or two, but right off the top of my head, no, I have no weaknesses.

Robert was born & raised. He’s a huge fan of himself, and finds his own sense of humor to be erudite, yet accessible to the layman. His hobbies include misogyny, trigonometry, & phlebotomy.

Strengths: The usual trivial material — sex, death, madness, fin de siecle, ennui — & baseball history.

Weaknesses: Leggy redheads w/big boobs & tight asses. (Teeth optional.)

Brett is a film critic for South philly paper, and sometimes the Chestnut Hill Local. He is also an aspiring screenwriter. Brett went to an exclusive private school with Shaun Cassidy, which he talks about it aaaaallllll the freaking time. He won’t shut up. Blah blah blah Shaun Cassidy. Blah blah blah he used to sneak out on the weekends to go to punk clubs before punk got big. Blah blah blah. We hitched to town once. Blah blah blah. He had a plexiglass guitar. Blah blah blah blah. On and on and on and on.

Strengths: Movies about gladiators, movies about things other than gladiators

Weaknesses: Topics not dealing with either gladiators or movies

Jack was born and raised in Philly, then spent 20 years in South Jersey. He’s lived in Delaware for the past year.
Was an elementary and middle school teacher for 20 years. Taught Bilingual(Spanish/English) elementary subjects and middle school Computer Literacy. Jack’s darkest secret is that he was once a telemarketing supervisor.

Strengths: Trivia, History, Languages, Art, Literature, Geography, Music(pre-90s ), mainstream sports

Weaknesses: astrophysics, Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, trigonometry, dumb movies, even dumber TV shows, weird sports

Stacie represents the city in mental health court. She is a fine athlete, and can dunk without even getting a running start.

Strenths: Dunking, post-up game

Weaknesses: Three point shooting, foul trouble

Bonnie is the wild card here. No photo of her is ever been taken, and very little is known about her. She has never played with the Champs before. “All I can tell you, Johnny,” says Rob, “Is that we have employed a secret weapon for Sunday’s event. Oh, and that she has no pets, and enjoys photography. I can also tell you that.”

Strenths: Unknown

Weaknesses: unknown