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The summer was warm for most people in Philly, but not for Hi Ho Silver, who were on a cold streak of Siberian proportions. That ended last night, as they were able to hold off the Nation of Quizlam by a 72-67 score. The Nation had finished last a week before, but made some roster changes and should be a force to reckon with in the future.
Jams Repeat!
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One member of Deweey Cheatum and Howe (whose name I won’t mention-you’ll never guess) screamed and moaned when I announced that the second round would be baseball, then her team got a perfect score that round. But that was not enough to hold off the Jams, who came from behind to knock off DC and H, 88-85. This was the Jams second straight win, and fourth in the last five. The cute girls who played last week were no-shows, leaving Johnny bitter and disillusioned.
Blow Monkeys Make Like Rally Monkeys
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The Blow Monkeys looked all but dead trailing Easy Money 43-20 early in the evening. But then the Monkeys hit their stride and spanked the field on their way to 73 points.
Jams Back On Top
The Jams were able to climb back on top, winning for the third time in the last four weeks, a streak interrupted only by Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe last week. The Broad Street Bullies were able to finish finish second. More importantly, the cute girls in the back finished fourth or fifth or something, and Johnny hopes they contact him.
His Boy Elroy Repeats
His Boy Elroy crushed the competition again, breaking the 100 point barrier for the second straight week. The Black Sheep Flockers, attempting to become the first team to win back to back Quizzos (Black Sheep and Nick’s), took a 52-51 lead into the final round, but fell to pieces under the pressure.
Roy’s Head Amputated; Show Must Go On!
Doctors yesterday decided to amputate the head of Las Vegas performer Roy Horn after he was attacked by a white tiger on stage in Las Vegas friday night. But horrified fans of the Siegfried and Roy team were heartened a few hours later when Siegfried told reporters that the show would go on-with Roy!
“Roy can’t speak now that he no longer has a mouth, but he was able to write me a message saying that he was coming back to the stage as soon as his wounds healed. Head or no head, the show must go on!” said a chipper Siegfried.
The delicate surgery, in which doctors moved the brain to the ribcage near the heart before lopping off the head, was headed by surgeon Spanky Alvarez.
“Things went remarkably well. With modern scientific advancement, we don’t think Roy will be headless forever. Hopefully, within two years, Roy will receive a prosthetic head. If that doesn’t work out, however,we are keeping his current head frozen at Alcor. They’ve done such a nice job with Ted Williams head, we know they’ll take good care of Roy’s,” said the head doctor.
The tiger that attacked Roy, named Montressor, did not comment on this latest development. He can’t. He’s a tiger, thus the make up of his vocal cords make the English language impossible to speak. (He does speak a few words of Spanish).
Do We Get Cheated and How Wins
Do We Get Cheated and How blew past the field in the Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular on Tuesday at Frank Clements, knocking off the second place finishers (Special Ed Ed) 105-92. 105 was the third highest score ever in a Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo. Two time defending champs the Jams finished third.
Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee
The Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee was founded in 1877 by Rutherford B. Hayes in an attempt to curb cheating at “America’s Pasttime, Quizzo”. The Committee soon came to the aid of Chester A. Goodtimes, who was having problems with mavericks shooting at him when they disagreed with answers. The Committee made firing at Chester a crime punishable by a seven point score deduction, and the gunfire quickly ceased. Several members of the Committee are over 175 years old, and they do not like to be called on by Johnny. When they are called on, their judgement is usually swift and severe. Therefore, Johnny asks that you please not lie, cheat, steal, discharge a firearm or make out with anyone (besides him*) while you are playing the Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular. Thank you.
*Ladies only, please.
Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee (from L to R: Steve Perry, Gervase, Mickey Morandini, Gavrilo Princip, Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake, and Cousin Oliver)
His Boy Elroy Breaks Record
His Boy Elroy turned in a remarkable performance on Wednesday night, breaking the hours old record with a 110. They answered 38 out of 40 questions correctly to blow past the competition. The Horsecranks finished 2nd, with a respectable 96.
Hitler Supports Limbaugh’s Statements!
Adolph Hitler came out of hiding in the jungles of South America on Wednesday to voice his support for Rush Limbaugh’s statements, particularly his recent ones about Eagle quarterback Donovan McNabb. Hitler, looking awfully spry for a 114 year old man, said that McNabb is overrated because he’s black, and that the African-American’s performance in the first two games of this season proved that Aryans constitute the superior race, with the possible exception of Keith Van Horn. Hitler says that he is a huge fan of Limbaugh’s. “It’s like he’s saying exactly what I’m thinking!” says Das Fuhrer.
Hitler also claims that George Bush is doing a wonderful job as president. “‘Preventative’ strikes, secretive prison camps, calling anyone who’s not a dyed in the wool patriot an ‘enemy’, it just tickles me pink!”
When asked of the secret of his longevity, Hitler said that his yearly visits to Saudi Arabia did him a lot of good. “Me and Idi Amin used to hang out at the ritziest palaces with the most beautiful women. That Saudi government, they paid for everything!”
Hitler said that his feelings toward McNabb were a little biased, because he is a Dallas Cowboys fan.