Do We Get Cheated and How blew past the field in the Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular on Tuesday at Frank Clements, knocking off the second place finishers (Special Ed Ed) 105-92. 105 was the third highest score ever in a Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo. Two time defending champs the Jams finished third.
Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee
The Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee was founded in 1877 by Rutherford B. Hayes in an attempt to curb cheating at “America’s Pasttime, Quizzo”. The Committee soon came to the aid of Chester A. Goodtimes, who was having problems with mavericks shooting at him when they disagreed with answers. The Committee made firing at Chester a crime punishable by a seven point score deduction, and the gunfire quickly ceased. Several members of the Committee are over 175 years old, and they do not like to be called on by Johnny. When they are called on, their judgement is usually swift and severe. Therefore, Johnny asks that you please not lie, cheat, steal, discharge a firearm or make out with anyone (besides him*) while you are playing the Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular. Thank you.
*Ladies only, please.
Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee (from L to R: Steve Perry, Gervase, Mickey Morandini, Gavrilo Princip, Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake, and Cousin Oliver)
His Boy Elroy Breaks Record
His Boy Elroy turned in a remarkable performance on Wednesday night, breaking the hours old record with a 110. They answered 38 out of 40 questions correctly to blow past the competition. The Horsecranks finished 2nd, with a respectable 96.
Hitler Supports Limbaugh’s Statements!
Adolph Hitler came out of hiding in the jungles of South America on Wednesday to voice his support for Rush Limbaugh’s statements, particularly his recent ones about Eagle quarterback Donovan McNabb. Hitler, looking awfully spry for a 114 year old man, said that McNabb is overrated because he’s black, and that the African-American’s performance in the first two games of this season proved that Aryans constitute the superior race, with the possible exception of Keith Van Horn. Hitler says that he is a huge fan of Limbaugh’s. “It’s like he’s saying exactly what I’m thinking!” says Das Fuhrer.
Hitler also claims that George Bush is doing a wonderful job as president. “‘Preventative’ strikes, secretive prison camps, calling anyone who’s not a dyed in the wool patriot an ‘enemy’, it just tickles me pink!”
When asked of the secret of his longevity, Hitler said that his yearly visits to Saudi Arabia did him a lot of good. “Me and Idi Amin used to hang out at the ritziest palaces with the most beautiful women. That Saudi government, they paid for everything!”
Hitler said that his feelings toward McNabb were a little biased, because he is a Dallas Cowboys fan.
Jams do it again!
The Jams won at Frank Clements for the second straight week, crossing the 100 point threshold again. They barely overcame a spirited performance by Special Ed, who has finished in the money for three consecutive weeks with a 97. (One first and two seconds.) Dewey, Cheetum, and Howe finished third with a 95.
Did you know…
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Abe Lincoln, had a brother who is considered to be the foremost Shakespearean actor of the 19th century.
Jams set Brain Attack Record
The Jams exploded for a record 103 points to set a new Johnny Goodtimes Brain Attack record on Tuesday. They did the impossible, scoring a perfect 55 in the Impossible Round. Defending Champs Special Ed Ed had the lead going into round four, but had to settle for second place with 92 points. The Broad Street Bullies, minus a couple of key players, were still able to grab third place after a slow start.
Eagles Lose to Schoolgirls!
Courtney Charnock scampers for a 36 yard gain in the second quarter.
PHILADELPHIA-In an effort to boost his team’s confidence before they take on the Buffalo Bills, Andy Reid scheduled a scrimmage game against the girls of Lovett Middle School. But the feisty squad from Chestnut Hill stymied the Eagle offense, and Courtney Charnock ran roughshod over a depleted Eagle defense, as the Pumpernickels from Lovett Middle knocked off the Birds, 27-9.
Charnock ran for 187 yards and the Pumpernickels intercepted Donovan McNabb six times.
“We thought a game against 14 year old girls would help build Donovan’s confidence, but it served to do just the opposite,” said a frustrated Andy Reid.
The lone bright spot for the Eagles came on the first play of the game. Correll Buckhalter took a handoff from McNabb and scooted 86 yards for a score. Reid promptly pulled Buckhalter from the game, and never put him back in.
“In hindsight, I guess we should have run Correll more,” said Reid.
Courtney Charnock ran for two TD’s and Cookie Mathers rumbled in for another. Sarah Whitehurst kicked two field goals. The Eagles only other points came on a safety when Britney Jackson ran the wrong way with the ball.
“I was confused,” said a smiling Jackson after the game.
Lovett Middle School coach Betty Isdell was overjoyed by her teams win. “I don’t even really understand the rules of football, so I was really surprised that I outcoached Andy Reid,” said Isdell.
The Eagles head to Buffalo to take on the Bills next Sunday. The Pumpernickels travel to New Hope next Wednesday to take on the Unicorns.
Comedy Show Every Monday
Johnny Goodtimes and friends Dan Goodman and Chip Chantry host a comedy show every Monday night at Finn McCools on the corner of 12th and Sansom. Catch the hottest comedians in Philadelphia each and every Monday. The best part about the show is that, amazingly, it’s free! McCool’s also offers $2 kamikaze shots during the show. This is the only free comedy show in Center City, and we only hire the funniest comedians in town, so be sure to check it out!
Cranking It Up
It was a record setting night at Nick’s Roast Beef as “Horse Cranks” set the Nick’s Roast Beef quizzo record and tied the Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular record with an impressive 96 points. Bill & Mike finished 2nd with 84 points, defending champ “His Boy Elroy” finished a dissapointing 5th, with 70 points.
Will Horse Cranks be able to defend their title? Will their Ivy League ringer return? Will their parole officers pick them up before next Wednesday? Will “Special Ed Ed” accept the Horse Cranks challenge to show up in Old City? Only one way to find out. Show up next Wednesday for the next chapter in Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo Spectacular history.