Happy Birthday Steven Wright

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Happy birthday to comedian Steven Wright. Here are a few of his great one liners:
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Half the people you know are below average.

“Did you sleep well?” “No, I made a couple of mistakes.”

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn’t happen.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier…I put them in the same
room and let them fight it out.

QUick question

Still in talks with the World Cafe Live about QB3. Hoping to work something out, but we haven’t found a date that works for both of us yet. If it can’t be worked out, does anyone know of any place that serves booze that can fit 300 people seated? Don’t worry, it’s definitely gonna happen, but I just wanna cover all my bases. If you know of any good spots, please leave them in the comments below.

Eagle fans humiliate themselves on National Stage (again)

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On Monday night Eagle fans at the Linc got a chance to show the world that not only are they obnoxious and rude, but also complete f****** idiots who don’t know the game of football. And boy did they make the most of it! When Jeff Garcia, who threw for 312 yards, 3 TDs and no interceptions, went down after a couple of hard hits in the 3rd quarter, Eagle fans cheered. Yep, there were our fans, in front of a national audience, cheering an injury to their own player. I mean, at least Michael Irvin played for the other team! The neanderthals then booed when Garcia stayed in the game. Why? Because they think AJ Feeley is the 2nd coming of Joe Montana. Yes, that AJ Feeey, the one who couldn’t beat out Jay f****** Fiedler for a starting job in Miami. Yes, they were booing a QB who has twice thrown for over 30 TDs in a season b/c they think their savior is one who has thrown 19 TDs in his entire career. Of course, these are the same fans who thought all season that the real problem with the team was McNabb, who is one of the best QBs in the NFL, so what should we really expect from their feeble minds? I hate to say it, but the idiot fans of this city don’t deserve a parade.

***Btw, did someone at ESPN read my blog and want to piss me off? Was I the only one who noticed both a feature story on the booing of Santa before the game and two long interviews with Rocky?

Bobby Badtimes is Back! Beware his Wrath!

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A lot of youse been wondering where I’ve been. Well, it’s simple. I’ve been spending a lot of time in exotic foreign places that people like you can’t afford to go to, and spending my evenings wining and dining women who wouldn’t give losers like youse the time of day. Finally the funds ran a little low, so I agreed to write a little piece for this pathetic website that about two of youse read for anything other than the question of the week. Here goes:

Hey hipsters. I’ve had just about enough of you greasy annoying whiners who buy $10 ugly ass shirts at a second hand boutique for $20 so you can say that it’s used and listen to bands that suck on the offchance that the band gets a record deal someday so that then you can say that you saw them at the Khyber back in the day and “To be honest, you weren’t really that impressed.” Hey hipsters, here’s a few tips: pants legs rolled up look stupid, bed head looks stupid, you are ugly, you are an idiot. I hope Vladimir Putin finds you and slips polonium 210 into your Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Continue reading “Bobby Badtimes is Back! Beware his Wrath!” →

Johnny tries to find love on the internet again

-Hey, do you think this is gonna work? (Be sure to scroll down and see accompanying photo. SFW).

-Congratulations Good Dog! Craig Laban says they have the best cheeseburger in Philadelphia. (Inky via Foobooz.)

-Don’t worry. Just because Rummy left doesn’t mean we still can’t torture US citizens w/o charges against them. (NY Times)

-Happy 43rd to pole vaulter Sergei Bubka (pronounced, delightfully, Sir-gay Boob-ka)) and happy 37th to Jay Z.

-It was on this date in 1872 that the ghost ship Mary Celeste was discovered, in excellent condition, with nothing missing but the passegers and crew. What happened? The Straight Dope investigates.

Eagles vs. Panthers on the big screen!

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Here’s the thing gang. If we win tonight, we will be tied for the 4th best record in the NFC! As much of a total disaster as this season’s been, there is still a chance to turn this thing around and make the playoffs. But we have to win tonight. As one of America’s greatest band ever said, “Don’t Stop Believin'”. So come out to watch the game on Philadelphia’s largest screen and come to the only place where you can watch and possibly even participate in the Wheel of Terrific. It’s also dollar dog night, we’ll be giving away a bunch of stuff, we’ll have some speed comedy with some of philly’s best young comedians, and beers will be super cheap. And it’s free! Honestly, there is nowhere you can go in Philly and have more fun watching the game than the Trocadero (1003 Arch Street). See ya there!

You Gots to Chill Trivia

Yeah, it’s getting chilly outside, and you know what that means: that it is absolutely freezing in my giant old drafty house. Thusly inspired, the questions below all have to do with the cold. Please only one guess per person, and no googling for answers. Good luck!