Bobby Badtimes is Back! Beware his Wrath!

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A lot of youse been wondering where I’ve been. Well, it’s simple. I’ve been spending a lot of time in exotic foreign places that people like you can’t afford to go to, and spending my evenings wining and dining women who wouldn’t give losers like youse the time of day. Finally the funds ran a little low, so I agreed to write a little piece for this pathetic website that about two of youse read for anything other than the question of the week. Here goes:

Hey hipsters. I’ve had just about enough of you greasy annoying whiners who buy $10 ugly ass shirts at a second hand boutique for $20 so you can say that it’s used and listen to bands that suck on the offchance that the band gets a record deal someday so that then you can say that you saw them at the Khyber back in the day and “To be honest, you weren’t really that impressed.” Hey hipsters, here’s a few tips: pants legs rolled up look stupid, bed head looks stupid, you are ugly, you are an idiot. I hope Vladimir Putin finds you and slips polonium 210 into your Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Hey BCS. Nice job with your ingenious system. Why waste time and energy with an actual game to determine who is better, Michigan or Florida, when a mathematical system on a computer can determine it for you? In fact, why don’t we just hire Stephen Hawking to devise a mathematical formula to determine who the best team is at the start of the season, and then we don’t have to play a single game! I hope at least one family member of someone associated with the BCS system is eaten, ironically, by real live wolverine.

Hey Britney Spears, thanks for proving that no matter how succesful you are, no matter how much money you make, no matter how many albums you sell, the old maxim holds unwaveringly true: once a piece of white trash, always a piece of white trash.

Hey pushcart thing that holds my laundry basket, when I pop a pushcart wheelie to clear a curb, the front tires need to go higher. Otherwise said cart hits the curb, tips forward, I fall on top of it, crash onto the sidewalk with a cut on my leg, dirty clothes strewn about me, and complete strangers laugh at my misfortune. I simply can’t have that happen again! You hear me? Never again!

Hey asteroid that destroyed dinosaurs: What were you thinking? Do you have any idea how cool it would be if dinosaurs still existed, and could be trained to devour hipsters and everyone associated with the BCS, as well as Nancy Grace and Kevin Federline? It would be awesome! And you had to go and f*** it up. I hope you’re happy.

Johnny’s buddy D-Mac is doing a person of the year thing on his website. You are going to nominate someone. We both know who that someone is. If you don’t know, I’ll give you two hints: blueberries and New Year’s Eve. Click here Contact D-Mac.

My name is Bobby Badtimes. Beware my wrath!
RELATED: Join Bobby on Myspace.