Happy birthday to comedian Steven Wright. Here are a few of his great one liners:
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Half the people you know are below average.
“Did you sleep well?” “No, I made a couple of mistakes.”
What’s another word for Thesaurus?
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn’t happen.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier…I put them in the same
room and let them fight it out.