The JGT Holiday Spectacular

wonderfulquizAlright gang, you know the deal. It’s time for the annual Holiday Spectacular. I will be hosting tonight at O’Neals, where Ivan the Trivial aims for 7 straight. We then move on to the Bards at 10:15 p.m. I’m heading to sunny New Hampshire tomorrow morning, so Mike Minion will be hosting tomorrow night at the Rendezvous at 6:15 p.m. and Black Sheep at 8 p.m. There will not be a quiz on Thursday night at either location. All questions tonight and tomorrow will be holiday themed. Gonna be a lot of fun. Hope to see ya tonight!

The JGT Power Rankings

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  1. Steak Em Up. Formed a super team and had a perfect score on Tuesday. Much more impressive was their Thursday win with only three players. Last week: #1
  2. Ivan the Trivial. They’ve now won 6 straight. A Christmas bounty on their heads tonight. Last week: #2
  3. The Jams. Three straight wins keep the Jams climbing the charts. Last week: #5
  4. L. Ron Hubbard’s Diabetics. A one point loss at the American ends their impressive streak, but they are still one of the top 5 teams on the circuit. Last week: #4
  5. Why Can’t Us. An impressive win over the Diabetics has this team rocketing up the charts. Last week: #9
  6. Catdog. 2 wins in three weeks at the Black Sheep. One of the streakiest teams in quizzo is on a hot streak right now. Last week: NR
  7. Narcotyzing Dysfunktion. It wasn’t a full contingent this week, but a mini-team keeps them in the top 10 with a 2nd place finish at the Bards. Last week: #6
  8. Quiz on Your Face. A second place finish to the Jams this week and a win over them earlier this month. They continue to be a thorn in the Jams side. Last week: NR
  9. The Savage Ear. Another week, another 2nd place finish. One of the most remarkably consistent streaks I have ever seen. 6 straight weeks Ivan the Trivial has won. 6 straight weeks The Ear has finished 2nd. Oh, the humanity. Last week: #8
  10. Duane’s World. Slip slidin’ away. Slip slidin’ away-yay. You know the nearer your destination, the more you’re slip slidin’ away. This team is one bad Black Sheep finish away from being left off the Power Rankings for the first time since they were created. Last week: #7

Chip Chantry Attack on Christmas Tonight!

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It’s about that time. Time for the Chip Chantry Attack on Christmas, and it’s going down at the Khyber at 8 p.m. tonight. Let me start by saying that the rumors you’ve heard about Chip and I rapping tonight are completely unfounded. So disregard those. (However, those rumors you’ve heard about Chip and the elves are entirely true.) Anyways, a lot of comedy goodness tonight, as numerous local comedy troupes and comedians will be giving their own two cents on the holiday season. Steve O is gonna be playing Chirstmas Carols between acts. And there just might be a return of the beloved but rarely seen Wheel of Terrific: Holiday edition. This is a show you do not want to miss. Tonight. Khyber. 8 p.m. Hope to see ya tonight!

The Blizzard of ’09…1909

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Interesting to note the last time we see near this much snow in December was almost exactly 100 years ago. It was Christmas Day, 1909, that the storm began, and it continued snowing for the next 24 hours. It is kind of funny to think that, as we constantly complain about travel delays, that they are nothing new. Numerous trains got stuck in the snow during this storm, with one train traveling from NY to Washington getting stuck on the tracks nearby for 12 hours while they replaced the engine, which had been damaged in the storm. I bet that was fun. I assume there was no way to keep the car warm with the engine off. Think about that the next time you’re whining about the fact your flight got delayed a half hour as you sit in a warm airport bar. Five people in Philly died due to the blizzard. There could have been a lot more deaths after a roof collapsed at a laundry business on 38th and Lancaster, but a miraculously, everyone survived:

Carrying a companion who had fainted from fright when the roof of the building, 3862-66 Lancaster avenue, collapsed under the weight of accumulated snow above the heads of herself and 12 other young women working in the Fairmont Laundry, Bessie Walker, of 3914 Walker street, stumbled down a wooden stairway and out into the street.

The toal accumulation was 21 inches. It was the December record until Saturday, when we received 23.2 inches. Saturday’s blizzard was the second greatest ever, after the Blizzard of ’96, when the city received an absurd 30.7 inches of snow.

A few last notes before the weekend

Here’s a few things of note before I head out to do Christmas stuff with the folks.

First of all, read about why the Phillies blew a chance to be one of the greatest National League teams of all time.

Secondly, somebody adopt this puppy, please!

Thirdly, I thought this was a great article in Philly Mag about Georges Perrier. I highly recommend it. A very evenhanded article, but you have to wonder if it was Philly Mag’s way of making up for ranking Le Bec Fin 46th best restaurant in the city.

Finally, a quick reminder that the Chip Chantry Attack on Christmas is taking place at the Khyber at 8 p.m. Going to be a great show, with some of Phillies best comedians and sketch troupes participating. And we’re having an ugly Christmas sweater contest.

Time to Vote for Best Worst Christmas Story!


Ok, I’ve picked the Top 8. You’ll be voting for the best of these. They are all posted below. Again, you are voting for the worst opening to a potential Christmas novel. 

#1 Hunter: Tiny shards of Santa filled a half dozen evidence bags, piled neatly on the mantle with obvious care. “It was a deadly combination”, began Inspector Spilkus. “Flatulence– touched off by a burning ember. Milk and cookies? Egg nog? Unfortunately for Mr. Kringle, his lactose intolerance did NOT make this the happiest time of the year.” 

So, initially, at least, like the trapdoor on Santa’s scorched Long Johns, the case appeared to be open and shut.

#2 Yeem: Rude Elf maundered through the Christmas crowd at Walmart in search of discount ground beef for that night’s supper. Hamburg stew: water, salt, ground beef (80/20), and celery. He had been experimenting with Depression-Era recipes for quite some time now and though the sodium made his fingers swell, he could hardly think of eating anything hardier. His weak constitution wouldn’t tolerate it anyhow. Charla was coming over for dinner tonight. God, she had great cans…

#3 Dating Survival: The sirens closed in on the St. Nicholas estate. Inside, Santa hadn’t eaten in days. Candycane colored gun in hand, watching tv from his desk with a red velvet bullet proof vest on, he watched as five children’s hospitals burned to the ground in some kind of a coincidental terrorist act. The recession had really hit home this year, and Santa had to make his cuts too.

#4 Chip Chantry: Santa, drunk off the power, and high from the “snowball” he just snorted off of Sarah Palin’s OF AGE daughter’s stomach, leapt into the sleigh, before the glacier was too small to take off. The glacier was melting because those c#nts in Washington refuse to deal with climate change the way it should be- just ask @guardianuk. 

Anyway, as the coked-up beast vaulted his massive, sweaty framed onto his vehicle, he aggressively slurred, “On Dasher! On Dancer! On Prancer! On– AH, what the F@CK??!! GET THE F@CK OFF THE BACK OF MY SLEIGH, CHRIS HENRY! GET OFF THE GODDAMN SLEIGH!”

#5 Lefty Smutface: Santa had too much egg nog at some nightclub on Locust Street, he left his reindeer floating 50 feet above the dive bar shitting on transsexuals who squealed in terror as their B 52 singers hairdo’s were squashed by falling s***. 
” Jeeze Louise! I spent 130 dollars at my hair dressers and that flying elk ruined it!” a patron screamed.
A worker for Philadelphia Animal Control approached Santa and said ” Sir, there’s something you gotta do about those reindeer s***ting on the Lady Gaga’s”
Santa took off his red suit jacket, revealing a red wife beater and a bicep tattoo of a pitbull with a dead pitbull in it’s mouth. Santa grinned and said ” Son, I hope you bought a lot of body bags…”

#6 AW Santa glanced from the List as Mrs. Claus entered, ensconced in an aura of steaming cinnamon-sugar cookies. Their eyes locked. After so many millenia, the ache still crept up his core whenever he spied her dowdy silver ‘do, her horn-rimmed bifocals, and the plump, fleshy rolls bursting from her frumpy gingham jumper. He stood and slid his fuzzy gloves seductively along her ample midriff …

#7 Steve-O: The wrestlers arrived at the recording studio, one by one. Koko B Ware brought hot cocoa. Big John Studd dressed like Santa. Hillibilly Jim even brought his Irish Setter dressed as a reindeer. Some of the biggest names in WWF history were going to record “Jingle Bell Rock” and donate the proceeds to charity. However, George “the Animal” Steele had different plans. VERY different plans. 

#8 Chris Morganti: “Snow tires don’t sing when you put chains on them!” Santa Claus drunkenly exclaimed. “Ees good,” Hugo Chavez chuckled. “Ees good joke.”

“Enough!” Barack Obama yelled, his fist slamming angrily on the table. “Now is not the time for racist jokes! Now is the time for us to use Santa’s gift-giving operation as a front to corner the world narcotics market.”

In the corner, Adam Lambert sat silently, listening. “The fools,” he thought.