Yep, I accidentally used the word ‘benevolent’ when referring to Hitler when that was not what I meant. (Read column here). Fortunately, a very friendly lady pointed out my mistake in a “Letter to the Editor” and in doing so, only called me “stupid” like three or four times. Apparently, despite her excellent vocabulary, the only words she knows for unintelligent are “stupid” and “dumb”. It’s probably because all of the people she hangs out with are sheer, mistake-free geniuses so that she never has to use words that mean “unintelligent”.

And it wasn’t my fault. I had initially written “tyrannical dictator”, but Charlie Manuel replaced “tyrannical” with “benevolent” in the fourth inning!

This is beyond belief. This guy named John Wood lost his leg in a plane crash, but decided to hold onto it. He kept it in the freezer a while, but then decided to put it in his grill in storage. Well, when he fell behind in his payments, the grill was sold. The guy who bought the grill, Shannon Whisnant, is no dummy. He realized that a human leg inside a grill is his key to fame and fortune, so now he won’t give the leg back. Shannon gave the leg to a local funeral home, but is still charging people to look inside the grill where the leg used to be! He is charging adults three dollars and children one dollar. What a deal for the kids! Shannon understands that the children are the future, show them grills and let them lead the way. Show ’em where there used to be a leg inside. Give them a sense of pride!
UPDATE: John got the leg back! Hooray for justice!

As every woman I’ve ever hit on knows, I was a dolphin trainer in Hawaii for 3 years. While living in Hawaii, I was good friends with another trainer named Justin from Denver. And when the Broncos went to the Super Bowl against the Falcons in ’99, he needed someone to bet against. Well, we were pretty sauced by kickoff, so I told him that if he gave me the points I would bet him. The deal: loser had to write the winning teams name in the black lava with coral rocks…while wearing a woman’s bathing suit. Needless to say, I lost (above).

Well Justin and I have remained friends through the years, and when the matchup of Rockies-Phillies came up, I got a phone call. The deal breaks down thusly: If the Phillies win, he has to stand on the side of the road and write “Phillies #1” in coral rock while wearing a woman’s bathing suit. If the Rockies win, I have to hold up a sign in front of Pat’s and Geno’s that read’s “Rockies Rule” while wearing a woman’s bathing suit. In other words, if the Phillies lose this series, I’m going to get my ass kicked in front of Pat’s and Geno’s. Today’s game is a must win.

Today in Dan Gross’s column he talks about a couple of people I’ve never heard of breaking off their engagement. Ok, sure, but then there is this: The pair had dated several years and were engaged in March on the Wachovia Center court during a Sixers/Celtics game when Bell was to interview the winner of a mascot race and the winning mascot pulled off his helmet and proposed to her. Awesome! Fair warning to any female who thinks she has a chance to marry me: If I ever ask you to go on a trip to Milwaukee, then we go to a baseball game, then I excuse myself, and then you see a giant chorizo running towards you with a rose and tiny black box in his hand, prepare to say “yes”. Or, even better, “no”. Because there is nothing funnier than a heartbroken chorizo.

Yeah, Tuesday got a little wild, but I did only end up doing one mind eraser, and a few more shots. But I was able to get out of bed before 3 p.m. the next day. The Narcotyzing Dysfunktion, meanwhile, had been saving up gift certificates for like a year and spent, I think, $560 worth of gift certificates Tuesday night. Pretty incredible. I wasn’t sure, but I thought I saw a few of them with a decent buzz.