Demonic Witches from Hell are Responsible for Halloween Candy? Just as I Figured

There was a great article on Pat Robertson’s website that I think you might enjoy. In fact, I know you will enjoy it. It is awesome. Kimberly Daniels reports:

The danger of Halloween is not in the scary things we see but in the secret, wicked, cruel activities that go on behind the scenes. These activities include:

Sex with demons
Orgies between animals and humans
Animal and human sacrifices
Sacrificing babies to shed innocent blood
Rape and molestation of adults, children and babies
Revel nights
Conjuring of demons and casting of spells
Release of “time-released” curses against the innocent and the ignorant.
Another abomination that goes on behind the scenes of Halloween is necromancy, or communication with the dead. Séances and contacting spirit guides are very popular on Halloween, so there is a lot of darkness lurking in the air.

Those of you (and you know who you are!) who are sacrificing babies to shed innocent blood to celebrate Halloween need to come to your senses! What you are doing is flat out wrong, I don’t care what the holiday is. As for the orgies between animals between humans and animals, well, let me just say I was at one of those parties last year, and I felt uncomfortable nearly the entire time. If you are going to be hosting animal/human orgies to celebrate the holiday, it should specifically stated on the evite (I’m looking at you, Steve-O). As for the sex with demons, well, we broke up, so that’s no longer an issue. But Kim Daniels isn’t quite done yet! It gets worse! There is something else you should be aware of: your candy is being possessed by witches.

For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches. I do not buy candy during the Halloween season. Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store.

So I also have a message for all of you witches in the greater Hershey, PA, area. Stay away from the candy factory! Let our children eat un-possessed candy this year. Otherwise I will unleash a “time- released” curse on all of you.

Vote for JGT’s Rap on Philebrity

The World Series rap I did is up for voting on Philebrity.com, and it goes without saying that it is being hated on by hipster nation. That includes the greatest cliche hipster quote in the comments of all time, “all of this sucks. i’m sure it will be quite popular.” The old hipster credo: everything that sucks is popular, and everything that is popular sucks. I love it. Anyhow, I need you guys to vote for me since I am currently running at 3%, which is outrageous. The Neeko rap is a little better, admittedly, but not 68% points better. Let’s make those numbers dance, folks. Vote early, vote often.

World Series Coverage on iSportacus

How the Phillies winning is affecting your sex drive.

Is Jimmy Rollins a Hall of Famer?

Any suggestions for how we’re going to keep Yankee scum out of our bars?

With their two most hated rivals facing off, who are Mets fans rooting for in the Series?

Vote for what you think the result will be of the World Series.

New Phillies Rap: Back to Back

I have been a total slacker on posting today, but I think once you see this video, all will be forgiven. This may well be my magnum opus.

Question of the Week

Who directed the 1931 classic Dracula, starring Bela Legosi?

The 7th Annual Halloween Quizzo Spooktacular

Yep, it’s that time again. Time for the 7th Annual Halloween Spooktacular. All questions this week will be about ghosts, goblins, serial killers, scary songs, and other devilish delights. The schedule has been adjusted to accomodate the Phils-Yankees World Series. Here is our lineup:
TUESDAY:
O’Neals 8 p.m.
Bards 10:15 p.m.
WEDNESDAY
Locust Rendezvous 6 p.m. SHARP!
Black Sheep Cancelled
THURSDAY
Ugly American 6 p.m.
Bards Cancelled

This Is Halloween

I’m not a huge Marilyn Manson fan, but this is a pretty badass version of “This is Halloween.” Panic! at the Disco recorded one too, but it’s not as good. Halloween Spooktacular this week. More details forthcoming.

Famous Philly Native Would Turn 144 Today If He Hadn’t Died on Titanic

Benjamin Guggenheim was an incredibly wealthy Philadelphia born businessman at the turn of the century, but his name might be forgotten if not for his actions aboard the Titanic after it struck an iceburg.

Guggenheim inherited his father’s mining business as a young man, and made a fortune in the smelting business early on. However he soon began to squander his fortune, and lost $8 million in bad investments.

He married Florette Seligman of a powerful New York banking family in 1894 in a remarkably lavish wedding. The marriage was not a happy one and Guggenheim was actually aboard the Titanic with his 25 year old mistress, Madame Leontine Aubart, a French singer.

After the Titanic struck the iceburg, his valet fitted him in a lifevest and got him onto the boat deck, but when ol’ Ben saw the scramble aboard the boat deck, he stated, “I am willing to remain and play the man’s game if there are not enough boats for more than women and children. No woman shall be left aboard this ship because Ben Guggenheim was a coward.” He then went to his room, dressed in his finest tuxedo, returned to the ship’s bar, began sipping brandy and smoking a cigar, and uttered one of the most badass remarks in human history: “We’ve dressed in our best, and are prepared to go down like gentlemen.” Hell f***ing yes. What a hardass. If I had been on board the Titanic, I probably would have been knocking women and children out of the way to get on a lifeboat, but my main man Ben did it like a champ. Cheers to you, Champ, and Happy Birthday. We wish you could be here with us today to enjoy it. Friggin’ iceburg.