Well gang, you’re going to be seeing several characters in the next few weeks as they begin their quest to be the next Johnny Goodtimes. Here is an exclusive, inside look at the contestants!

Continue reading “Meet the Contestants!” →

Three Ball Tracy edged out the y-100 Revolutionary Army at the Good Doctor’s on Monday night, and attributed the win to Twinkies. “In order to celebrate the 75th anniversary of the Twinkie, I’ve eaten nothing but Twinkies for the past week,” said Payday Brickowski. “Fried Twinkies, boiled Twinkies, Twinkie soup, you name it, I’ve had it. And I think it really paid off. I felt focused and at least a little bit smarter than usual. I highly encourage small children to eat nothing but Twinkies for a week and see how they feel.” Brickowski, who said that he prayed for a victory on Sunday at Twinkiehenge (below), then encouraged everyone to check out the following website, in which various scientific experiments were performed on Twinkies.

The following e-mail went out this morning to all of the contestants in the “Be the Next Johnny Goodtimes” Contest:

Thanks for signing up for the “Be the Next Johnny Goodtimes” contest! Your first assignment is simple. Give me a short (one paragraph) bio about yourself and a photo that I can post on the site. Also, write me another paragraph that explains why you should be the next Johnny Goodtimes. This is due by Wednesday. Your second assignment is to come up with a ten question wild card round. Please have that done by Friday. Anyone who does not have the asssignments done on time will be eliminated from the contest. Thank you, and I look forward to hearing from all of you, as does the rest of America.

Alright, gang, time is running out to sign up to be the next Johnny Goodtimes. You must send me an email by Friday if you are interested. I have had lots of people express interest, but thus far only six have officially signed up. If you do not see your name here, it means that I have not received an e-mail from you expressing your interest.
Pete M.
Jen O.
Marvin S.
Robert S.
Dan P.
Shawn R.
If you are unaware, the “Be the Next Johnny Goodtimes” Contest is being held throughout the month of May to determine who will be in charge of quizzo at the Dark Horse (421 South 2nd Street) throughout the summer. The winner gets $50 a gig and the invaluable resume-builder that comes with working for an outfit as universally respected as Johnny Goodtimes, Amalgamated.

Josh, Where’s Your Car won at the Good Doctor’s on Monday night, but their joy was short-lived, as Josh’s car was found Tuesday morning-at the bottom of the Delaware river! Attempts to salvage the car from the river were nothing short of disastrous, as these photos can attest.

The cliche “heads will roll” comes to us from Hitler? In 1930, he said that if the Nazi movement was victorious, their would be a tribunal to punish those who offered Germany’s surrender in WWI. “Then decapitated heads will roll in the sand.” (This from the Dictionary of Cliches, of which I am a proud owner.) Oh, and here’s a funny short music video featuring Hitler.

The big question as we prepare for our new pope is this: what will be his stand on breakdancing? We all know how our boy Johnny Paul felt about it. He loved it, and here’s the video to prove it. And here’s a decent pope joke.

With a perfect score heading into round four, When Johnny Lies, the Baby Jesus Cries became the latest squad to miss perfection by only one question. The question, “Who was writing the Mystery of Edwin Drood when he died?” proved to be their undoing. The correct answer was Charles Dickens. “Damnit! We should have been able to pull Dickens out of our ass,” said Pierre Butterworth of When Johnny Lies, who still blew away the competition.

Hunter S. Thompson is getting his wish: his remains will be shot out of a giant cannon! Also, I will be getting my wish: I will be shooting Celine Dion with a giant cannon!

Hey gang, Johnny Cash is playing at Fergies’s (12th and Sansom) tonight at 10 pm.