-Nickelback is so talented that some of their songs sound exactly the same! Celine Dion and Nickelback. If we do suspect Canada of having WMDs, I don’t care how shaky our intelligence is, I say we bomb them back to the middle ages.

–Jessica Simpson blows it on stage.

–Doc Watson’s reopens! As part of their grand opening, they are running a contest. First 120 teenagers into the attic get a free tuna melt. I keed! I keed!

–Phillies trying to land Freddie Garcia, which would be awesome, though we might have to give up Aaron Rowan.

Happy birthday to comedian Steven Wright. Here are a few of his great one liners:
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Half the people you know are below average.

“Did you sleep well?” “No, I made a couple of mistakes.”

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn’t happen.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier…I put them in the same
room and let them fight it out.

-Hey, do you think this is gonna work? (Be sure to scroll down and see accompanying photo. SFW).

-Congratulations Good Dog! Craig Laban says they have the best cheeseburger in Philadelphia. (Inky via Foobooz.)

-Don’t worry. Just because Rummy left doesn’t mean we still can’t torture US citizens w/o charges against them. (NY Times)

-Happy 43rd to pole vaulter Sergei Bubka (pronounced, delightfully, Sir-gay Boob-ka)) and happy 37th to Jay Z.

-It was on this date in 1872 that the ghost ship Mary Celeste was discovered, in excellent condition, with nothing missing but the passegers and crew. What happened? The Straight Dope investigates.

By now, you have all heard about the killer whale attack, and since I worked with marine mammals for a few years, I thought I would throw in my two cents. I am whole heartedly against killer whales in captivity. To be honest, I have very mixed feelings about dolphins in captivity, but not about killer whales. It is simply tragic that these incredibly intelligent creatures are kept cooped up in tiny holding areas, wasting away. In the wild, these creatures swim about 75 miles a day. Their holding tanks are usually not too much longer than the whales themselves. Their life spans are much shorter in captivity.

I have a good friend who is an orca trainer, and she is saddened by the treatment that some of these animals receive. While the trainers no doubt love the animals, there is a very powerful force at work here: this is a multimillion dollar industry and there are corporate interests that could care less about the condition of the animals, as long as they are healthy enough to perform and rake in money. Sorry to sound cynical, but I assure you I have seen plenty of this with my own two eyes. Exotic animals in captivity are a cash cow, and people who know very little about animals often run the financial side of things. These people don’t care whether or not the animal is having a bad day or isn’t in the mood to perform-that animal WILL perform, no questions asked. So the animal that dragged the trainer to the bottom of the pool may have shown signs of aggression earlier in the day, but that would not have mattered. The show had to go on, and the money had to be made.
RELATED: Sad truth about orcas in captivity.

A photo of JGT that surfaced on the AP wire this morning has Johnny’s fiancee angry, as well as leaders of LA street gang the Crips. “Johnny’s fiancee, who finds him very attractive and thinks he has a great sense of humor, was not pleased when she saw photos of him seeming to enjoy a beer with another female after Tuesday night quizzo,” said a friend of the couple who asked not to be identified. “When she saw the photo, Johnny fiancee said that he had ‘humiliated himself’ and then called him a couple of names I’d rather not repeat. Johnny ran from the room crying like a little girl. His fiancee is furious, but she still finds Johnny very handsome and charming. She loves tie dye.”

Meanwhile, Lamar “Knuckles” Jackson of the Crips was not pleased with the photo either. “I am a big fan of Johnny’s website,” said Knuckles, who lives in Compton, CA. “I find it both informative and entertaining. But I am concerned by the fact that JGT seems to be a fan of our arch rivals, the Bloods. If you see Johnny,” Knuckles continued while pulling a sawed off shotgun out of his closet, “Please ask him to reconsider his affiliations. I hear Southwest is flying onto Philly these days, and their prices are very reasonable.”

Hope you have a great birthday, Dad!

As I reported, Philly Mag last month had a very impressive cover story about the murder rate in our city, and for a fair second I thought the Mag might actually start writing about stuff that people off the Main Line care about. Well, they nipped that notion in the bud, trotting out the lamest cliche in the book this month. A cover story on (are you ready for this?) Rocky. Whoa! But wait, it gets worse. I actually decided to give the story, written by GQ writer Andrew Corsello, a try. Big mistake, b/c a few paragraphs in, I came upon this: “You’re famous for your rotteness, you people.” Oh God, here we go…”You’re the ones who pelted Jimmy Johnson with snowballs.” Are we supposed to be ashamed of this? Jimmie Johnson is a douchebag, and if I saw him on a snowy street, I’d hit him with a snowball today. “You’re the ones who drove Mitch Williams to hermitude in Siberia or Katmandu or wherever he was sent to atone in silent prayer.” Siberia? Nice fact checking job. Yeah, we were so mean to Mitch that he moved all the way to South Jersey, where he lives now…“the ones who booed McNabb on draft day.” OK, so fair enough. That was stupid. Just end it there. You’ve got us beat, you made your point, just as long as you don’t bring up…”the ones who rained boos and snowballs on Santa at Franklin Field.” You did not just take it there. “Santa, for Christ’s sake!” Yes you did. Way to deliver a punchline that ESPN delivers every single friggin’ week. I guess you proved that Rocky isn’t the lamest cliche in the book. The Santa snowball debacle is. You miraculously outcliched your own story, which was almost impossible to do. I knew that the TV show Hack took place in Philadelphia, but I didn’t know it was based on your writing.

There will be a memorial sevice for Nate Wiley tommorrow at the Len Ellis funeral home on 529 Rising Sun Avenue from 9-11 am. Here are some tributes to Nate, and I highly recommend the short video
Video: A Taste of Nate
Related: Inquirer tribute
JGT Tribute to Nate Wiley.
The photo above is from an excellent article in the City Paper in 1998.

Well, it was 6 years ago this week that I moved back to the mainland after a 3 year stint in the Hawaiian Islands. So I’m gonna post last weeks winners with a question about Hawaii. Post your answers in the comments section below the stories. One guess per person.

My fiancee*** (above) and I would like to extend warm holiday greetings to all of you. I hope you have a safe and happy holiday, and I look forward to seeing you all again soon. I’ll get pics and stuff up ASAP, though I’m not sure when that will be. Oh, and remember, Spinal Tap on Monday.

***There are rumors that the girl in the photo is not my fiancee, but is in fact a bartender at a local pub who humored me for like 15 seconds last night when one of my friends proposed we take a photo together. Nothing could be farther from the truth. She is in fact my fiancee, and she finds me very witty, charming and handsome. Let’s review: Bartender at local Pub who finds me not the least bit attractive or interesting? NO. My fiancee who finds me very wonderful and terrific? YES.