The economy is going completely into the toilet and Wall Street is being bailed out by Bush while homeowners are left on their own, but who cares? We have more sex talk! Apparently, Jim McGreevey and his wife used to do the wild thing with another guy. Here’s the money line from that one: “We called it the Friday Night Special,” Pedersen said. The “intense” escapades, he said, usually began with a “couple of drinks” at a local T.G.I. Friday’s and culminated in “a hard-core consensual sex orgy” between the three of them at McGreevey’s Woodbridge condo. What? Are you serious? They ate at TGI Fridays? Well, that’s Jersey for ya.

Oh, and the new governor of New York, he used to cheat on his wife, too. As for Ashley Dupre, well she’s raking in the money off her dope new song.

Here’s some fun St. Patties Day facts for you to kick around. And oh by the way, who in the hell was this St. Patrick we’ve been hearing so much about? Finally, here are a few facts about corned beef.

The Metro received quite possibly the greatest letter ever after my column on Thursday. While I will admit that Thursday’s piece wasn’t my strongest work, I am frankly flattered that it inspired this young writing genius, Michael Pomranz, to respond with a diatribe that was longer than the piece itself. For your reading enjoyment, I have provided footnotes. You’re gonna like this:

Dear Involved Parties:

On Thursday, March 13, 2008, the Philadelphia Metro printed a column by author Johnny Goodtimes under the heading Goodtimes File entitled “Johnny Oldtimes”.

Rarely in my life am I privy to reading such uninspired hack (1). How being a “local quizmaster and blogger” qualifies someone to be a comedian, or even a commentator, is beyond me, and this article further confounded the decency of my senses (2).

Not only has this bit been played out by every comedian on the face of the planet (3) — let’s be honest, if this is the first time you’ve seen or heard the “things I know ’cause I am old that young people don’t know about and boy is that funny” bit, you may want to resign as an editor, or figure out why VH1 is blocked by your cable provider (4) — but given the opportunity to mine humor from it, Mr. Goodtimes (5) instead foregoes any inspiring commentary and simply settled for compiling a boring list.

For example: “They don’t remember when the Berlin Wall fell.” Wow? They don’t? That’s probably because they weren’t alive then (6). How about turning it on itself to say something like: “When they hear about the falling of the Berlin Wall, they think it sounds easy. That thing didn’t fall on its own. It took a lot of Germans with pickaxes to bring that sucker down.(7)”

See, Johnny. That is called adding humor and perspective (8). The topic is still a bit hacky, but at least I added some personal spin on it (9). We (10) could continue to dissect the inadequacies of every item of pedestrian babble on this list provided for Philadelphia’s reading pleasure, but since the Metro is (I can only assume) paying you (11) for your writing services, maybe you should put some more time into them yourselves in the future.

cheers!
Mike Pomranz

1) Occasionally Michael is privy to such hacks. But this is very rare.
2) You’d be amazed at how decent Michael’s senses are. They remind me of Tipper Gore’s senses.
3) Not true. Carrot Top refuses to use this bit in his act “on principle”.
4) Dorothy resigned earlier today, stating that letter to the editor writer Michael Pomranz made her realize that she just wasn’t cut out for this job.
5) Thank you for addressing me formally, Senor Pomranz.
6) Actually, they were alive then. The Berlin Wall fell in 1990. But math isn’t Michael’s strong suit. Comedy is, as we can see by…
7) HA! Oh my-HA! Germans with-HAHAHAHAHA! Did he just say that the Germans had pickaxes! No he didn’t! I didn’t even think about that! (Loud guffawing, reader falls to the floor, holding sides.) Stop it! Stop it, Michael, no more about the Germans! I bet Hitler had a pickaxe! HAHAHAHAHA!
8) If there is one thing your 300 word diatribe to the editor about a 300 word column has taught us, Michael, it is perspective.
9) I’ll say you did! Pickaxes! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
10) Did he just invoke the royal “We” in a non-ironic fashion while complaining about a hack writer?
11) They are Mike, but after this tour de force of a letter to the editor, I think they might just be paying someone else to do some writing in the near future 😉 LOL!

• This is kind of sweet. Ben Franklin impersonator Ralph Archbold (above, with duck) is going to marry a Betsy Ross impersonator. I’m still hoping to marry an Ashley Dupre impersonator.
• Quizzo continues to get no respect. The City Paper has a bracket of 76 things that are quintessentially Philly, and quizzo apparently got knocked of early in its conference tournament by the Spiral Q Puppet Theatre and didn’t make the dance. Anyhow, the brackets are a lot of fun, and you can vote for Trivia Art over at Foobooz when you fill ’em out.
• Here are Philly natives Tim and Eric in a vodka ad with Zach Galifinakis that is hilarious.
• My kind of movie critic: What distinguishes “Horton Hears a Who!” from the other recent Dr. Seuss film adaptations is that it is not one of the worst movies ever made.

Wow. This is me in 20 years after a tough little league loss.

• On the comicsvsaudience blog, JGT Head of Security Chip Chantry has a hilarious write up about watching old movies. Read it for laughter.
• Still needed for Quizzo Bowl: bartenders and round girls. Holler if you’re interested. What, it’s at a boxing venue, I need round girls.
• Quite possibly the least necessary website of all time.
• Quizzo Tonight: Good Dog at 8 p.m., Bards at 10:15 p.m.

My top 10 songs about prostitution. Sorry, but I am just too sick of Roxanne to include it. There are also rumors that “Ticket to Ride” is a song about prostitution, but I’m not sold. I’m sure I’ve missed some good ones. Let me know what they are below.

SeeqPod – Playable Search

First of all, a happy 105th birthday to one of the most stylish men to ever live, Lawrence Welk. Why are there no shows like this on today? Secondly, a happy birthday to Dock Ellis, the only pitcher to ever throw a no-hitter while high on LSD. From classy to trashy, today is the 52nd birthday of Joey Buttafucco. In case you’re wondering, he’s doing fine and the Long Island Lolita recently released a sex tape. Fisher said in a recent interview that she feels no sympathy for the woman she shot in the face. The interview contains one of the most amazing lines I have ever read: “I feel no sympathy for Mary Jo the multimillionaire! The fact that Mary Jo has a bullet in her head means nothing! I still have silicone in my boobs, and you don’t hear me complaining. She can’t feel her bullet, and I can’t feel my silicone.”

A UPenn dental student was held captive for 12 hours begning Sunday night in West Philly, as the criminals ransacked his house. But, as D-Mac points out, this wasn’t the interesting part of the story: The student stood by helplessly as the thieves tore through his apartment and was stunned to see them stop to watch reruns of “American Gladiator” and old movies on his TV, Walker said. Now, it would have been one thing if they had watched the new American Gladiators. But these guys stopped, mid-crime, to see how Nitro and Zap fared in the Atlasphere in 1991. Maybe they’re just big Larry Csonka fans.

I’m too lazy to snoop around for what fun stuff is going on for Beer Week this week, and let’s face it, so are you. And we’re both too poor for fancy beer dinners. So I asked the lovely Ginger to give us a Cliff Notes/Beer on a Budget version of the highlights of the coming week. Here are some things Philly’s Beer Lass recommends:
Thank goodness. It’s here. Philly Beer week is really here. After Months of preparing my liver for mass amounts of beer-I think I’m ready. Hopefully, you are too. With over 130 competing events, we might not get to see each other too much… But here’s my agenda and perhaps we can have a beer or two here or there. Lots of events are already sold out. I decided not to do the fancy shmancy dinner thing and set up a bunch of casual nights like happy hours, quizzes, and runs. Runs? Well-run. I am co hosting the only event of the week involving any sort of athleticism. Here’s my line up, and a few other fun events.

• Monday, March 10– Ultimate Beer Trivia with Johnny Goodtimes and IPA Beer Club’s Suzanne Woods (my witness protection name). Get a team together and see if you have what it takes to walk away with a couple hundred dollars and bragging rights… serves as a preliminary round to Beer Geek competition. Triumph Brewing 8 p.m.
• Tuesday, March 11– Meet and Greet Sly Fox Brewmaster Brian O’Reilly at Johnny Brenda’s Try their new Standard Ale. 6 pm. Or meet brother and sister team David and Sebbie Buhler, one from Elysian Brewing in Seattle, the other from Rogue in Oregon.
• Wednesday, March 12– Local Brewers self guided Bar tour. Join 7 local breweries and 7 local bars. Starting at Jose Pistolas at 6 pm. Beer Loving Ladies make sure you’re at Devils Alley by 8:30 to compete against the local breweries in a Sly Fox Seamus showdown.
• Thursday, March 13– Philly Beer Week Beer Geek Competition @ Johnny Brenda’s. I will be judging along with other beer folk. 8 pm. $5 cover. Also on Thursday, the Mustache Bash with Smuttynose beers at South Philly Tap Room. Every man who enters with a moustache drinks $2 Smuttynose beers all night.
• Friday, March 14– Sly Fox and South Hampton have a friendly square off at Good Dog Try General Sullivan’s red ale on cask, or Sly Fox Oatmeal stout. Sly cans on special. 6pm till ?
• Saturday, March 15:– Saturday, March 15 11:00 AM. Co-hosting Philly Beer Week Beer run: In Pursuit of Hoppiness with the Brew Lounge. Meet at Art Museum at 11, run 5 miles finishing with beers at Dock St. Pub. Free. Donations to benefit pocket change for parkinson’s…Michael Jackson: the Man and his Legacy at Penn museum sessions at 1 p.m., 3:30 p.m., and 6:00 p.m. That’s famous beer critic Michael Jackson, not race morphing Peter Pan hair on fire musician Michael Jackson. Call 215-898-3900 for tickets…Do you make a mean chili? Chili cook off at the Khyber at 2 p.m…Finally, I’ll be joining SouthHampton and 5 other breweries for a special Ides of March party in Mayfair at 9 p.m.
• Sunday, March 16-Cask Ale fest at Triumph from 1-4 p.m…Sly Fox Seamus and 29 others! And LADIES BEER TEA @ the Belgian Café 3-5 p.m. Drink great beer amongst great women.
• And finally, The Last Huzzah, the T.U.D. at 7:05 p.m. Philly Beer Week’s last official event. Come have that last Totally Unnecessary drink at FERGIES. Cheap ass Imperial Pints for $3 Guest bartenders from the Brewing industry and karaoke. Don’t worry, you’ll be drunk enough to sing. Sponsored by YARDS and Sly Fox.

For more info, go to phillybeerweek.org. And check out my blog. Hope to see you this week!