The Metro received quite possibly the greatest letter ever after my column on Thursday. While I will admit that Thursday’s piece wasn’t my strongest work, I am frankly flattered that it inspired this young writing genius, Michael Pomranz, to respond with a diatribe that was longer than the piece itself. For your reading enjoyment, I have provided footnotes. You’re gonna like this:
Dear Involved Parties:
On Thursday, March 13, 2008, the Philadelphia Metro printed a column by author Johnny Goodtimes under the heading Goodtimes File entitled “Johnny Oldtimes”.
Rarely in my life am I privy to reading such uninspired hack (1). How being a “local quizmaster and blogger” qualifies someone to be a comedian, or even a commentator, is beyond me, and this article further confounded the decency of my senses (2).
Not only has this bit been played out by every comedian on the face of the planet (3) — let’s be honest, if this is the first time you’ve seen or heard the “things I know ’cause I am old that young people don’t know about and boy is that funny” bit, you may want to resign as an editor, or figure out why VH1 is blocked by your cable provider (4) — but given the opportunity to mine humor from it, Mr. Goodtimes (5) instead foregoes any inspiring commentary and simply settled for compiling a boring list.
For example: “They don’t remember when the Berlin Wall fell.” Wow? They don’t? That’s probably because they weren’t alive then (6). How about turning it on itself to say something like: “When they hear about the falling of the Berlin Wall, they think it sounds easy. That thing didn’t fall on its own. It took a lot of Germans with pickaxes to bring that sucker down.(7)”
See, Johnny. That is called adding humor and perspective (8). The topic is still a bit hacky, but at least I added some personal spin on it (9). We (10) could continue to dissect the inadequacies of every item of pedestrian babble on this list provided for Philadelphia’s reading pleasure, but since the Metro is (I can only assume) paying you (11) for your writing services, maybe you should put some more time into them yourselves in the future.
1) Occasionally Michael is privy to such hacks. But this is very rare.
2) You’d be amazed at how decent Michael’s senses are. They remind me of Tipper Gore’s senses.
3) Not true. Carrot Top refuses to use this bit in his act “on principle”.
4) Dorothy resigned earlier today, stating that letter to the editor writer Michael Pomranz made her realize that she just wasn’t cut out for this job.
5) Thank you for addressing me formally, Senor Pomranz.
6) Actually, they were alive then. The Berlin Wall fell in 1990. But math isn’t Michael’s strong suit. Comedy is, as we can see by…
7) HA! Oh my-HA! Germans with-HAHAHAHAHA! Did he just say that the Germans had pickaxes! No he didn’t! I didn’t even think about that! (Loud guffawing, reader falls to the floor, holding sides.) Stop it! Stop it, Michael, no more about the Germans! I bet Hitler had a pickaxe! HAHAHAHAHA!
8) If there is one thing your 300 word diatribe to the editor about a 300 word column has taught us, Michael, it is perspective.
9) I’ll say you did! Pickaxes! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
10) Did he just invoke the royal “We” in a non-ironic fashion while complaining about a hack writer?
11) They are Mike, but after this tour de force of a letter to the editor, I think they might just be paying someone else to do some writing in the near future 😉 LOL!