Adolph Hitler came out of hiding in the jungles of South America on Wednesday to voice his support for Rush Limbaugh’s statements, particularly his recent ones about Eagle quarterback Donovan McNabb. Hitler, looking awfully spry for a 114 year old man, said that McNabb is overrated because he’s black, and that the African-American’s performance in the first two games of this season proved that Aryans constitute the superior race, with the possible exception of Keith Van Horn. Hitler says that he is a huge fan of Limbaugh’s. “It’s like he’s saying exactly what I’m thinking!” says Das Fuhrer.

Hitler also claims that George Bush is doing a wonderful job as president. “‘Preventative’ strikes, secretive prison camps, calling anyone who’s not a dyed in the wool patriot an ‘enemy’, it just tickles me pink!”

When asked of the secret of his longevity, Hitler said that his yearly visits to Saudi Arabia did him a lot of good. “Me and Idi Amin used to hang out at the ritziest palaces with the most beautiful women. That Saudi government, they paid for everything!”

Hitler said that his feelings toward McNabb were a little biased, because he is a Dallas Cowboys fan.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Abe Lincoln, had a brother who is considered to be the foremost Shakespearean actor of the 19th century.

Courtney Charnock scampers for a 36 yard gain in the second quarter.

PHILADELPHIA-In an effort to boost his team’s confidence before they take on the Buffalo Bills, Andy Reid scheduled a scrimmage game against the girls of Lovett Middle School. But the feisty squad from Chestnut Hill stymied the Eagle offense, and Courtney Charnock ran roughshod over a depleted Eagle defense, as the Pumpernickels from Lovett Middle knocked off the Birds, 27-9.

Charnock ran for 187 yards and the Pumpernickels intercepted Donovan McNabb six times.

“We thought a game against 14 year old girls would help build Donovan’s confidence, but it served to do just the opposite,” said a frustrated Andy Reid.

The lone bright spot for the Eagles came on the first play of the game. Correll Buckhalter took a handoff from McNabb and scooted 86 yards for a score. Reid promptly pulled Buckhalter from the game, and never put him back in.

“In hindsight, I guess we should have run Correll more,” said Reid.

Courtney Charnock ran for two TD’s and Cookie Mathers rumbled in for another. Sarah Whitehurst kicked two field goals. The Eagles only other points came on a safety when Britney Jackson ran the wrong way with the ball.

“I was confused,” said a smiling Jackson after the game.

Lovett Middle School coach Betty Isdell was overjoyed by her teams win. “I don’t even really understand the rules of football, so I was really surprised that I outcoached Andy Reid,” said Isdell.

The Eagles head to Buffalo to take on the Bills next Sunday. The Pumpernickels travel to New Hope next Wednesday to take on the Unicorns.

Johnny Goodtimes was born in Virginia (which is NOT the same as West Virginia), just like Thomas Jefferson and Moses Malone. In high school, Johnny played against Iverson in summer league b-ball, and rumor has it that Johnny shut him down. He received a PhD in Spermology (the study of trivia) from Quizzo A & M in 1997, and moved to Hawaii in 1998. In Hawaii, Johnny served as a dolphin trainer for a few years (seriously) before returning to the mainland. While training dolphins, Johnny learned two vital Japanese phrases. Sabadu sudu sudu (Touch softly, softly) and Iruka ha hachi chu hachi ha (The dolphin has eighty eight teeth). Goodtimes moved to Philly in October 2001. He began hosting Quizzo at Nick’s in August of 2002 after going to one and being bored to tears. The business expanded rapidly, and in October of 2004 his quizzo was named Philly’s Best by City Paper. Philly’s Quizmaster laureate occasionally does consultant work for a dolphin facility in Mexico. Johnny hates the Cowboys, eggplant, and Manyunk. Here’s a few other worthless facts about Johnny (And be sure to check out his MySpace Profile):

Favorite movies: Pee Wee Herman’s Big Adventure, Scent of a Woman
Favorite musicians: The Roots, Johnny Cash, and Nina Simone
Favorite comedians: Steve Martin, Bill Hicks, Dave Attell
Favorite disease: Scurvy
Favorite Presidents: William Henry Harrison (I’m a big fan of any politician who dies after a month in office), Grover Cleveland (Two non-consecutive terms; what’s not to like?)
Hottest actresses: Halle Berry, Angelina Jolie, Marilyn Chambers

Least favorite movies: Zoolander, Twister
Least favorite musicians: Celine Dion, P. Diddy, all modern country music
Least favorite comedians: Marguaret Cho, Sinbad
Least favorite disease: Lumbago
Least favorite presidents: George W. Bush, George Bush, Sr.
Overrated actresses: Kirsten Dunst, Liv Tyler, Julia Roberts

Just a reminder that a lot of exciting things are in store for the coming month. First, tonight Johnny will resume his normal rounds as he hits Frank Clements at 6:00 p.m., then goes to Nick’s at 9:30 p.m. Tomorrow night, Johnny will be at Finn McCool’s at 11:00 p.m. Check out the full schedule.

This Battlestation is Fully Operational!
Check out the event calendar on the right for a comple list of what Johnny Goodtimes is up to.