I got this email this morning: Johnny Cash… Dead. Johnny Carson… Dead. Johnnie Cochran…Dead. It is only a matter of time, Goodtimes.

A fraternity at California State University is in big trouble because they let a professional adult film maker shoot a hardcore porn during a toga party. Also, check out Pimp Daddy Swank’s list of Great porn movie titles. There are some real gems, such as “Ben-Hur Over”, “A League of Their Moan”, and “Das Booty.”

In a devastasting blow to Johnny’s Quizzo Empire, he is now facing heat from former “Survivor” contestant Gervase, who will be hosting Reality Show Quizzo at Finn McCool’s (12th and Sansom) on Wednesday. (By the way, you can see Johnny at Finn’s every Monday at 10 p.m., hosting comedy open mic.) Also, MJ from Real World said that he hates Philly, which leads to an argument I had with a friend of mine a while back: should Philly have treated the Real World cast like the whiny glory hogs they are, or should we have treated them well, so young people would want to move to the city? He said that the city needs young people, and that by confirming our reputation as a bunch of rude degenerates, we were going to keep them away. I said that anybody who wants to move to Philly because MJ lived here should be stabbed in the neck with a pencil, and I’d rather not have them here. What do you think?

It is on this cold, rainy Monday that I come to bring you the bad news: We are absolutely miserable. We were voted by Men’s Health (the same clowns who voted us second fattest) to be the most depressed city in America. By the way, after doing a little research, I found that Laredo, Texas, voted Least Depressed, also ranked third in Dumbest Cities in America. I’d rather be smart and miserable than stupid and happy. I would write more, but I just don’t feel like it. This survey has made me too depressed.

Known as the “Girl With the Curl” and “America’s Sweetheart”, this actress was the first female to ever make more than a million dollars a year acting.

Watching the game on a TV in the press area, the coach of the Carolina cheerleading squad remarked off the cuff to a group of reporters, “I’d root for Iraq against Duke.” -espn.com

This game has properties similar to crack. It’s a game we used to play on the pet computers at my elementary school: Lemonade Stand.

Wanna marry your first cousin, but don’t know where it’s legal? Well, here’s the info you’ve been looking for. While it’s illegal here in Philly, all you have to do is drive across the bridge to make it happen. And in their biggest shocker since beating Wake Forest, West Virginia does not allow cousing marriages. Here’s some more facts about marrying your cousin. For example, did you know that Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein both married their first cousins?

Happy Birthday to Kate who played last night at the Black Sheep (she’s on the right in the photo.) If you have a birthday coming up, please let Johnny know so he can get your pic on the website. Here’s some great unintentional (?) video game sex. The first one is best, as it shows a boxing game from the 80s. Speaking of boxing, I had another hypothetical thrown at me yesterday. Who would win in a fight: Mike Tyson in the 1980s or a large alpha orangutan? While an orangutan would tear you or I limb from limb, I think Mike might be evasive enough to handle him, and it only took like three blows from Tyson to floor an opponent. I can’t imagine the orangutan having an answer for several blows to the face. I take Tyson.

This is just a brilliant and hilarious piece of writing on craigslist.