Author: Johnny Goodtimes

Lucy in the Sky in Jersey

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I felt like an astronaut in the 1960’s, the time ticking down until I was to rise into the great unknown. But while they were going to be rising into the infinite expanse of space, I was to be going up into the body of an enormous wooden elephant, thus making this one of the worst analogies ever.
Being a hustler myself, I can certainly appreciate the entrepreneurial vision of James Vincent de Paul Lafferty, Jr. Owning a number of lots in Margate, N.J., he realized that the best way to get people to buy these undeveloped parcels of land was to negotiate with them inside a giant elephant. So in 1881, he had Lucy constructed for the unheard of sum of $25,000. He would take prospective buyers onto the elephants back, so they could look around and figure out which lot they wanted to buy.
Our tour guide, a teenager named Heather, led us up the remarkably steep staircase located inside one of Lucy’s legs. At the bottom of the stairs was the old ticket booth, where people 100 years ago had payed ten cents to go into Lucy. Over the previous century, ticket prices had soared with inflation, and we had to pay the unheard of sum of $4.00! But once inside the exquisite beast, we realized that it had been money well spent. A beautiful wooden floor, a skylight, and the original bathtub(used when a physician lived here in 1902) highlighted the belly of the beast.
Other elephants were built in the 1880’s (the heyday of enormous elephant buildings), one in the middle of a giant marsh in Cape May, which somehow didn’t make it (you’d think a giant elephant out in the middle of the marsh would be a big money bonanza), and a colossus (122 ft tall!) on New York’s Coney Island, which caught fire and fell to the ground. Lucy certainly had her share of close calls. Lafferty sold the creature in 1887, and in 1903 it was opened as a tavern. In 1904, some drunken jackass knocked over a oil lantern and nearly sent the beast down, to borrow a native New Jerseyite’s term, “In a Blaze of Glory.”
Speaking of drunken jackasses, I had spent the previous three nights getting in a bar brawl at a comedy show in northeast Philly, flirting with older women and hanging out at the “Dizzy Dolphin”with a member of Huey Lewis and the News, and losing money and eating bad food in A.C. So I was refreshed by the kool ocean breeze after climbing onto the howdah, or observatory, on Lucy’s back. Heather informed us that the 65 foot tall elephant had been moved from down the street in 1970, when that property had been sold. There had been a media frenzy, and power and telephone lines were dropped to make way for the beast.
Alas, all good things must end, and it was time to make our way down the dangerous stairs one last time. A tangible feeling of history overwhelmed me, as I thought of the hundrds of people who had certainly tumbled down these very same steps over the years.
It was time to head back to Philly, but first we stop and ate at a little Colombian restaurant down the street from Lucy. I don’t know what the astronauts ate when they returned from space, but I doubt their restaurant had a waitress who spoke almost no English and was as cute as ours.
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Beware My Wrath!

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I didn’t watch the Grammy’s, because they’re so stupid, but they still pissed me off. Who votes on the rap awards, Manny Mainstream? The winners were so pathetic. P. Diddy won one. Come on. P. Diddy is to hip-hop what George Bush is to the environment. Outkast is OK, but there’s no way Speakerboxx is better than The Root’s Phrenology. And while we’re speaking of lack of talent, hey Grammy’s, when you’re going to do a cover of the greatest band EVER (The Beatles), here’s an idea: How about not using Dave Matthews? I wish the Duke student cheering section would go to one of his concerts and repeatedly chant, “Over-Rated!” The reason my ex-girlfriend and I broke up was because she loved Dave Matthews, and I didn’t want to have any potential child of mine being raised around that bulls***. And Vince Gill helped cover the Beatles tune? What??? What are you going to do next year, have Al B. Sure doing a tribute to Dylan? Oh, and a quick message to my washing machine: What the hell is wrong with you? Why can’t you work in the following six hours after someone either takes a shower or goes to the bathroom? There used to be enough water in this house for all of my appliances. I haven’t redirected any pipes, so what the hell happened? Way to go, Philadelphia Magazine, for putting Heather Mitts and A.J. Feeley on your cover. What an inspired choice. How come Johnny Goodtimes can’t get an ounce of ink in this one-horse town while an ex-soccer player and the guy who holds McNabb’s jock get on the cover of every magazine? Saw the movie “Miracle” on Friday night. It was pretty good, but they left out the best Herb Brooks line. With the team trailing Finland by a goal going into the third period of the final game of the ’80 Olympics, Brooks shouted at the team, “If you don’t win this one, you’re going to take it to your graves.” He began to walk out the door, then turned around, stared at his team, and yelled again. “To your f****** graves!” That’s hardcore. Barbershop 2 was the #1 movie in America. Are you kidding me? The first one sucked, and I can’t imagine the sequel being any better. If you want to bash me, please feel free, either on the message board or directly below. Oh, that’s one more thing. You people bust my chops every time I do Quizzo, but then you’re such sissies you won’t put your feelings in writing. Come on! I’m Johnny Goodtimes. Beware My Wrath!

Shocker at Nick’s!

nicks_02_04 (Custom).jpgAn outrage has followed last nights quizzo at Nick’s Roast Beef. I Want My M-Tit-V won with the only 100 point contest of the week, but the buzz was about the halftime show. At the conclusion of a duo between he and Janet Jackson, Johnny Goodtimes ripped off her bra, exposing her nipple. “For this to happen twice in four days is just ridiculous,” said CBS spokesman Randolph McDanolph. CBS was covering Quizzo live at the time of the incident, and just over 70 million were tuned in. Goodtimes was flabbergasted. “Seriously, this time it was a wardrobe malfunction. She was actually supposed to rip my pants off, but when she reached over to do that, her bra fell off. It’s really just a huge coincidence.” McDanolph added that live TV programming is just too risky, so CBS will be going off the air for good next Wednesday, and concentrating on radio programming.

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Sloe Gin Quiz Wins Thriller

docwatsons_02_02 (Custom).jpgSloe Gin Quiz was able to fight off I’m Gonna Have You Naked by the End of This Round in exciting fashion on Monday at Doc Watson’s, 99-98. The squad was then able to recruit two cuties for the victory photo. “It wasn’t hard. We told them we were a boy band,” said Rex Pocahantes. “We obviously look like one.”

Beware My Wrath!

First of all, I would like to thank the crew at the Bards for their stirring rendition of “Happy Birthday.” That being said, it’s time to start bashing. At O’Neals, everyone knew it was my birthday, but nobody offered me a drink. Everyone starts next weeks game with -5 points. What’s with this Janet Jackson uproar? These idiots who are screaming about it don’t care that every other tv and movie trailer features somebody getting blown up or shot, but all of a sudden our children are going to grow up to be bad people because they saw a split second of Janet Jackson’s boob? Also, was I the only one hoping against hope that Willie Nelson was going to wheel around and kick Toby Keith in the nads during their pregame duo? Boy, the Sixers look good. Oh, yeah, did you see the people of Boston have a ticker tape parade yesterday? And then, come next October, they’re going to be crying about how they’re “cursed” when the Red Sox choke again. Almost makes you want to root for the Yankees. But not quite. By the way, there has been a lot of booing for some of the winners lately at Quizzo. And I think that’s great. It’s becoming a true Philadelphia institution. Also, nice touch at the Bards on Tuesday. When some idiot shouted out an answer, the players began chanting, “A**hole, a**hole,” in Duke student-section style. However, I was not pleased when that same chant was turned on me moments later when the players didn’t like one of the questions. Everyone at the Bards starts next week with -5 points. If you have any personal vendettas, or would like to blast me, just click on comments and go for it. Until next week, I am Johnny Goodtimes. Beware my wrath!

Beware My Wrath!

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Just wanted to take the time to thank my fans for braving the harsh conditions on Tuesday night to attend Quizzo at O’Neals and the Bards. You guys rock. Now for the bashing. The Oscar nominees were announced on Tuesday, and I’ve got a few opinions. First of all Lord of the Rings was really great, and it deserved to get a lot of nominations. It was also the most homoerotic film I saw all year. Was I the only one who half expected Frodo to turn to Sam when they’re halfway up Mount Doom and say, “F*** this. Let’s grab some brunch and then head to Home Depot.” Master and Commander, which got ten nominations, totally blew. Of course, it didn’t help that I saw it at Cinemagic. That experience was cinetragic. Watching a movie there is probably very similar to watching a movie on a big screen TV in a South Philly crack house, except that I assume the people in the crack house are friendlier than the employees at Cinemagic. The Carolina Panthers are in the Super Bowl, George Bush is our President and the new Ashton Kutcher movie is the #1 film in America. Almost makes you wanna pull a John Walker Lindh. Oh yes, in keeping with our film theme, I ‘d like to take a moment to bash the film reviewers of the Philadelphia Weekly, who have Zoolander, one of the most pathetic pieces of drivel EVER produced, graded higher than Big Fish, which I thought was better than Lord of the Rings. Movie reviewer Sean Burns called Big Fish flavorless. Oh, and he just LOVED Master and Commander. I’d like to see his head on a pike at the gates of the city. And while we’re railing against weeklies, I’d like to take a moment to call out City Paper. Several of their staffers played Quizzo at Nick’s a couple of months ago and finished second. They vowed to return and take over the top spot. They’ve never returned. I guess #2 is good enough for City Paper (it certainly shows in some of the cover stories they’ve run recently.) Am I the only one who thinks this years 76ers are a lot like the war in Irag: Looks good on paper, but in actuality are a complete disaster that we hope will improve if we just keep supporting them? Oh, and tomorrow there will be some new features added to the site, in addition to the winners receiving their proper dose of glory, so be sure to check back. If you want to add your own two cents or bash me, feel free to click on comments and go to town.