Dick Cheney’s Stockholders Win, Try to Shed Negativity

Dick Cheney’s Stockholders, a team of young right wingers, was able to win big at Doc Watson’s on Monday night. They also took advantage of their time in the media spotlight to talk about the good side of Halliburton. “Listen, when people say bad things about Halliburton, they’re talking about the old Halliburton,” said team member Thadley Nickerson III. “The old Halliburton sold Libya and Iraq oil drilling weapons which could be used to detonate nuclear devices and overcharged the army for food and fuel. The new Halliburton cuts people’s lawns, and brings you chicken noodle soup when you don’t feel well. At Halliburton, it’s out with the old and in with the new!”

Help a Philly Sports Hero

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Screw A.I. and T.O. In the truest sense of the word, Manute Bol is the biggest sports hero to ever come out of Philly. He gave all the money he earned in his NBA career to help his countrymen in Sudan, and the money he has made in charity events since then has been given to help orphans in Sudan. Then, in June, he was in a horrific car accident and he has been in the hospital ever since, racking up a huge hospital bill he cannot possibly pay for. Let’s show Manute why Philly sports fans are the best in the world (excluding, of course, the mental midgets who ruin it for everybody else at the Linc) . Donations can be sent to:
Manute Bol Medical and Special Needs Fund
c/o Fleet Bank
4 N. Main Street
West Hartford, Conn 06107

Ern Goes Into hiding

Hounded by women, despised by jealous quizzo players, Quizzo legend Ern R. Kern has been forced to go into hiding. “The heavy drugs, the beautiful women, the late night bar fights; it was all fun at first, but now it’s just getting out of control,” said the phenom. “I have to wear a disguise now just to go to the grocery store, or I might get molested by a gorgeous woman or sucker- punched by a jealous fan. Fame is certainly a double edged sword.”

Beware My Wrath

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Alright, it’s time for Johnny to start kicking ass again. Hey, Philadelphia Weekly, how about ANOTHER cover story about real estate next week!! What’s this, like four in the last two months? Don’t worry, stories about real estate never get boring! That’s why “Real Estate Illustrated” has so many loyal subscribers. Hey, if I see a guy walking around wearing a Ralph Lauren polo shirt with the collar up, and I shoot him, has a crime really been committed? That’s it!! I’m throwing away my washing machine. What the hell. I mean, I’ll put clothes in on a Tuesday, and the water kicks in on a Thursday. No lie. Speaking of laundry, I’ve got a personal message for the crackhead who stole my laundry: Give it back! I saw you a couple of weeks ago at a resaurant near my house, but I didn’t go in and kick your ass because I think one of the waitresses there is cute and I don’t want her to think I just walk around town kicking crackheads’ asses. So you’re lucky!!! Speaking of women, is there a single one in Philly with a sense of humor? I mean, this new craigslist posting I put up is just plain funny. Why no responses? Wanna say thanks to everybody who came out for quizzo last night. There was a debate and a big baseball game last night and you still represented. Thanks again. Ok, enough with the sincerity. I think the Eagles should go to the videotape and find out who the idiots were who were calling for AJ Feeley to take over for McNabb last year, and make sure they are NEVER ALLOWED TO ENTER THE LINC AGAIN!!! The Eagles have the 3rd best QB in football and Feeley can’t even win the starting job on one of the worst teams in football history. Also, anyone who watched the three debates and is still voting for George Bush should have their clothes stolen by a crackhead! The only way Bush can get my vote is if he starts a gestapo that makes Celine Dion and her fans “disappear.” And what’s the deal with “Rock, Paper, Scissors”? CP has an interview with the Philadelphia “champion” this week. Hey, next week how about an interview with Philadelphia’s coin flipping…hey, wait a minute. What’s Paper, Rock, Saddam doing here? If you got a problem with any of the above statements, please comment below. My name is Johnny Goodtimes. Beware My Wrath!!!

Story of the Day

With the playoffs upon us, let’s relive the excitement of last year’s biggest play.

Story of the Day

The A-Team is coming to the big screen!

Dork of the Week!

Remember Katie Sometimes (left), the hottie who tried out for the “Be the Next JGT Contest”? Well it was a big week for her. First, she celebrated a birthday over the past weekend. Then she became the first ever recipient of the Johnny Goodtimes Dork of the Week Award. When Johnny sent out e-mails on Monday, he said that the WB was the home of Moesha. Katie quickly fired back an email stating that Moesha was on UPN, not WB. This lame knowledge of such a bad show has earned her the dork of the week award. Do you have what it takes the Dork of the Week? Send me an e-mail telling me why you deserve to be the “JGT Dork of the Week”, and I’ll put you on the website.

Stories of the Day

As we fight terrorism, it’s an embarrasment that we celebrate the original terrorist. Here’s a little bit more about the man who “discovered” America. On a lighter note, I’m a sucker for sappy animal stories.

Question of the week

In this version of bowling, played almost exclusively in New England and Eastern Canada, the balls weigh less than 3 pounds, have no finger holes, and the pins are small, perfect cylinders.

Shuck it Trebek All Ears

Shuck it Trebek won big at Doc Watson’s, crushing 2nd place Dude Where’s My Cab, 100-85. “It was nice having Alex there, shucking,” said team member Allison Silverspoon. “It made things a lot easier.” Added Rosco McDowell, “Yeah, we shucked the smaller ears of corn. Alex shucked the big one.”