You’ve never read an interview like this before, because you’ve never met an athlete like Bernard Hopkins before. Whether or not you like boxing, you’ll be interested in hearing this Philadelphian’s story, because it is a tale more incredible, more improbable than that of Philly’s favorite fictional boxer. And it’s more intriguing, because his controversial beliefs are devoid of Hollywood cliches.

Over the last 10 years, as Philadelphians were screaming at the Eagles, cursing the Phillies, and crying over a freaking horse, many were ignoring the champion they had in their own backyard. Philly born and bred, Bernard “The Executioner” Hopkins became IBF middleweight champ in 1995. A victory over the favored Felix Trinidad in 2001 made him the undisputed champion, a title he held until July 16th of this year, when he lost an extremely controversial decision to Jermaine Taylor. The rematch is set for December 3rd. It is expected to be Hopkins’ last fight, as he promised his late mother that he would retire before he turned 41, which he does in January of 2006.

But this story begins before his first title, even before his first boxing match. It begins on the rough streets of North Philly, where he grew up. In Part 1 of this interview, Bernard discusses his early years, his five years in the penitentiary (“As great as Oz was on HBO, that was kindergarten compared to what happens in prison for real”), and the realization that he came to in order to turn his life around.

Continue reading “The Executioner’s Tale, Volume 1” →

Apparently maintaining a girlish figure is working against me, as the 76ers are adding a Broad Street Beefcake dance team, but you have to be husky to join. Outlandish! What if you’re like me, not big boned, but an excellent dancer? I could make millions off my moves, but I can’t get my big break because of discrimination. Also, about that “full body photo”: does that mean, like, nude? The following is from Michael Klein’s Inqlings:

The 76ers are adding a male Broad Street Beefcake dance team to the halftime show – but cake is more a factor than beef here. The guys, ages 21 to 40, should be on the chunky side – not fat, but with a belly. No dance experience is required. Heery Casting will lead auditions from 4 to 6 p.m. Saturday at Philadelphia College of Osteopathic Medicine, 4190 City Ave. Prospects should arrive by 3:30 p.m. with a full-body photo. Info: www.sixers.com or Heerycasting@gmail.com.

I’m givin’ you’se guys
Three days to write masterpiece
Then we gon’ decide

In other words, haiku contest ends Friday at high noon. Also, congrats to Deric, who rocked the house in the best angry letter to the editor contest, and won $50 in cash.

What band, despite having no good looking members (see photo, above) was the first ever to have four consecutive triple platinum albums?

I don’t know who saw the Phillies win on Saturday, but anyone who did knows that it was the kind of win that just never happens to the Phils. While the Phil’s phailures have been phrequently phound on this website, Johnny Goodtimes was ecstatic as the Florida Marlins completely melted down in a 10-2 win by our beloved Phils. As the Marlins committed error after error in the 10 run ninth inning, I leapt higher and higher into the air, celebrating the improbable win. It was the Phils seventh win in their last nine games, and I was becoming a believer. I wanted to talk about our big win with fellow sports fans, celebrate what may have been the biggest win for the Phils since ’93 (which is really kind of sad indictment of how bad we’ve been since ’93). So I turned on WIP and gave them a call. Mistake.

Continue reading “WIP: We Insult Phillies” →

It was ten years ago today that the Unabomber’s Manifesto was printed in the New York Times and the Washington Post. It makes for fairly interesting reading, though he certainly should have used an editor to trim some of the fat. The next thing is really neat. It’s called the baseball oracle, and it is basically a “6 degrees of Kevin Bacon type thing”, except that it connects baseball players via teammates. My performance on the Kevin Bacon thing was poor. I submitted Buster Keaton, who was only two degrees from Kevin Bacon. On baseball, I was more impressive, as it took them 6 degrees to link Honus Wagner to Coco Crisp. Big ups to Mike for sending me the link.

Argh, me maties, today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day! Please, I am begging of you all to talk like a pirate for the remainder of the day. Also, please don’t explain to anyone you’re working with why you are doing it! How do I talk like a pirate, you ask? Just click here for a bunch of helpful pirate terms.

I had never been thought of as an effective defensive player. I was slow, a poor jumper, and wasn’t extremely disciplined (unlike now). But the competition of this summer league (the Boo Williams league) was so good that I knew that I would never leave my mark on offense. So I started taking defense seriously, and actually shut down some pretty good players. Finally, my team went up against AI’s team (which also counted future Sixer Joe Smith as a member). I started the game on the bench, as always. Iverson started hot. Nobody could stop him. My coach told me to go into the game. I nervously walked onto the court. “I got Bubbachuck,” I told my teammates.

Continue reading “The Bubbachuck Papers, Vol. 2” →

Here’s a recent announcement I received from the Humane Society. Now that they’ve gotten the humans out, the Humane Society wants them to concentrate on the animals. You can help. The White House # is only useful during the week, and Rummie’s mailbox is full, but you can get through to the # for Governor Blanco and Homeland Security today.

Please call or email President Bush and other officials
today and urge them to help us before it’s too late.

Time is running out for these animals. Every hour that passes
means more pets, locked behind closed doors in the disaster
zone, will die of starvation. Our teams are working as hard as
they can to reach as many pets as they can – and as we reported
to you on Wednesday, we’ve rescued thousands. But there are
thousands more.

At this 11th hour, when so many lives are at stake, we are
asking you to help. I urge you to contact these government
officials today and ask them to help rescue animals before it is
too late.

The 2005 Rock Paper Scissors Keystone Classic will be taking place on October 8th at Whiskey Dix Saloon on North 7th Street. You will be able to test your skills against the best in the world, and you could walk home with your share of $900 in prizes. Tickets are $10 a pop, or $9 in advance. You may not use pen missile (above). If you don’t know what I’m talking about, please check out Rock Paper Saddam. Also, Restaurant Week is next week, so make your reservations now.