-Please buy Kanye West’s album when it is released on September 11th. Gangster hack 50 Cent has promised to retire if Kanye’s album outsells his, and 50 Cent retiring would be great for music and for America. He is a worthless, mindless moron and absolute HACK rapper. Kanye West, on the other hand, is intelligent and extremely talented, both as a rapper and producer.

-Stop the presses! Philly Mag has got the cover story the others couldn’t get! Children on the Main Line are spoiled! Holy s***! I had no idea! Thank you for this important investigation! Otherwise we would have never known! Next month, I think the cover story should be about how people who live on the Main Line have money. Or maybe one on this new trend called “Fantasy football”. (That being said, the article about Craig Laban vs. Chops is pretty good.)

-Happy birthday, Aaron Rowand! Welcome to your 30s! It’s kind of like your 20s, except without all the fun!

–This is just too ridiculous, but it will make your day.

The lovely Ginger and I had sort of fallen out of touch lately. We’ve both been pretty busy, and she’s been “going steady” with Lance Romance for like 7 months now. And you know how it is when one friend gets into a serious relationship, you just don’t see them as much. So we hadn’t really hung out in a few months.

Then, last night, a disaster. As I prepared to meet another friend for dinner (went to Uzu, a fairly good sushi place in Old City), I got a splinter in my foot. It hurt like heck, but even worse, it made me feel kind of lonely. I usually revel in my singleness, but getting a splinter is cause for wishing a woman was there who could help me get it out and listen to me pout about how bad it hurt and then tell me how brave I was being if I didn’t cry. I tried and I tried to get it myself, to no avail. Finally I went to dinner, grumpy and in pain.

THE DANGEROUS OPERATION
After another difficult self-operation this morning, I realized that I was never gonna get it out myself, and I knew that there was only one person in Philadelphia who knew me well enough to operate on my foot: Ginger. She came right over, and after a half hour of anguish and pain, the cursed splinter was removed. And now I feel good as new. All thanks to Ginger! She’s more than a lovely co-host, she’s a lifesaver!
RELATED: Johnny and Ginger go to Camden.

So I’m bitching about Philly Style Mag to Trivia Art yesterday, as I see that they have an article about this new phenomenon known as “Fantasy Football” in their City Life section: “Prevailing at this game requires drafting the best team possible…and playing them in a virtual competition against the teams assembled by family members, friends, or co-workers.” Really? You don’t say! Competing in a virtual “Fantasy” football game against friends and co-workers? How unique, and I would have never heard of it if not for your magazine! Hey, next month you guys should have an article in City Life that begins, “Bread is often used on what many people are calling ‘the sandwich’.” Anyways, I try to explain this to Trivia Art, and he says, “I can’t say anything bad about them, they called me ‘culinary crack’.” It’s a damn shame.

-When I saw that a Senator had been arrested for lewd conduct in a bathroom, before I opened the story, I said to Trivia Art, “I’m betting Republican.” Right again. Are there any Republicans in Washington who, while campaigning on Family Values and anti-gay marriage, aren’t trying to pick up men in bathrooms? I mean, keep in mind, two big name Republicans have been caught trying to pick up men in restrooms in the last two months. Can you imagine how many have gotten away with it? Is David Vitter the only straight Republican in Washington?

–What in the holy hell is going on with the bees? Is it you, with yor fancy cellphone?

-Good debate about patriotism going on in the comments section under the Donspiracists column. Feel free to join.

-It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s Hammerman!!!

Today is the birthday of the star of my favorite movie ever recorded. No, not Francis…Pee Wee Herman turns 55! Pee Wee’s Big Adventure continues to serve as an inspiration for me. A story of following ones dreams, of finding true love, and of inspiring others. Here’s hoping you get what you want for your birthday, Pee Wee!

It’s 1:30 p.m., and you guys have combined to answer one question?