As you are all aware, I dropped some serious smack talk on Denver a week or two ago. Apparently they weren’t real thrilled about it, as the 54 comments under the story attest. Today, they return the favor with a bit of smacktalk of their own, courtesy of Russ Esposito, one of the members of a renowned Denver team known as the Slump Busters. Here is his report. He’s no JGT when it comes to smack talk, but it ain’t bad. -ed.
When I heard that the “originator” of American Pub Quiz Johnny Goodman was coming to Denver with some friends to try their hand at winning Geek Bowl IV I couldn’t help but get excited! I mean, the one and only John Goodman (I didn’t even know he was from Philly) coming to our quiz! I mean WOW! But the more I thought about it, well, lets just say my shock and awe was replaced with more of a pity and loathing. So much so that I want to extend a pre-apology to Mr. Johnny Goodfellow and his friends for flying out here only to lose as early as round 4 or 5 at the latest.
But I’d like to also take this opportunity to tell Mr. Godspell and Co. about all of the wonderful things they can do in Denver and Colorado before and after they lose at Geek Bowl IV.
For instance, they can walk along historic Colfax Ave., the longest continuous street in the U.S. It’s a lot like your South Street (Restaurants, Theaters, Shops etc.) except with fewer boards in the windows and alot less vomit to step over. However, I will say that they can both have a tendency to look like a Frank Miller NOVEL threw up on them.
Now I don’t know exactly how many people old Jonathan not-so-Swift is bringing along but whatever the number it’s okay by us, the more the merrier. Besides, Denver’s used to taking people in from distressed areas like New Orleans, Haiti and Philly, so a few more won’t hurt.
Now Philly is of course a big metropolitan city with far reaching suburbs, towns and hamlets all fairly close by, just like Denver is…Well, not exactly, I mean we have Aurora which is a wonderful multi-cultural city exploding with life and vitality, whereas Philly has Camden NJ right across the Delaware and it’s just exploding. Didn’t Ridley Scott film exteriors from Black Hawk Down there? Either way it’ll be a nice change of pace I’m sure.
But don’t think it’s all sunshine and roses here either Mr. Goodspeed. We have crime in our fair city as well. Granted it’s a bit more respectable and takes some more planning to rob a bank here than it does to club an old man to death for a can of peaches in Philly, but we can’t all be the city of brotherly love then can we?
Now I saw that you, Johnny Goodfornothin said we always take Philly’s sloppy seconds when it comes to sports and that’s just not fair. Sure we took A.I. but you took him back. You took him back after he’d been used more than a dumb, pretty girl who wanders into Fishtown, I wouldn’t even bring up sports if I were you. I mean it’s true we both have all 4 major sports playing right within our city limits, except our fans aren’t total assholes.
Speaking of assholes, we even have a better class of asshole than Philly. We’ve got people making tractor tanks and destroying whole towns, Balloon Boys with cracked out parents, hell, we even had a gay-bashing preacher who turned out to be gay…and a meth addict! Philly just has some knucklehead in his mom’s basement working on his 8th remix that month of Schoolly D doin “King of New York” before he goes out walks right past Dinics roast pork and into Pat’s vat o’ cheez whiz. But don’t worry Johnny, if you want a cheese steak as good as Philly, we have ’em here…at the Safeway…in the freezer section.
The point is Mr. Goodflop, you’re going to lose, probably pretty badly and I don’t want you and your crew leaving the MHC with just your sad 18th place finish as your only memory. So get out there and enjoy our city! Walk around, get some fresh clean air, enjoy some fine unpretentious culture and food that hasn’t been fondled by some scrawny dude in a Hawaiian shirt with a not-beard two dozen times. See a good local band (you have to buy a ticket here though, ours don’t stand around oil drum fires on the corner). Eat a cheeseburger (invented here) or try some of our great beer (we brew more here than anywhere else) but try not to get too many tears in it. Besides, who knows, we may even come to Quizzo Bowl sometime in the future…if you don’t mind losing to a Denver team twice that is. So long ya Bastards!
My opinion of Denver from a work-related visit this past June was: Wilmington Delaware if you could see Mountains from it.
Denver is a giant suburb with an office park for a downtown that they had to build half-assed from scratch in the 80s, just to have one. People there will tell you “but, look at LoDo, it is awesome,” but this is a lie. Stay away from LoDo. I know this will be hard because there are no other places to drink in town, so they will probably have this event there. LoDo is like Disney World's White-People-Pretend-City-Post-Game-Playgroundland. Think: Old City, but less than half as old and with 5-times as much parking for obnoxious suburbanites.
The rest of Denver isn't even worth seeing, unless you want to laugh at how they pretend to be a “city.” Actually, yeah, go do that…go see Larimer Square…see how they kept ONE BLOCK of actual historic city and now treat it like a museum…a museum with a Ted's Montana Grille and a Starbucks. Ride the light rail (to nowhere) and see how grafitti looks in Colorado (Spanish) or walk around historic Capitol Hill to see what Mt Airy would look like if it were smaller. “Wonderful” Aurora? That is just Mount Laurel, NJ with even more Republicans…all who hate Denver, by the way. Colfax Avenue? Colfax Avenue is more like Bustleton Ave if it were nearer Center City than it is like South Street…then it quickly becomes Route 70 in Cherry Hill before merging with a plain Interstate out to Kansas. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Johnny, don't let Russ fool you about the people there, either. First of all, nobody ever goes in to the Rocky Mountains on any sort of weekend adventure. They might only go on a ski trip there every other year, but so might we. Women? All the attractive women in Denver are from Iowa, and they are just stopping by until they can get a better job in Portland or San Diego. I don't know about the guys in Denver, but I think I might have seen Eminem and Everlast hanging out on the 16th Street Mall. They weren't talking about local microbrews or the latest advances in kayaks, either, and they sure looked bored. How could they not be? The snaggletoothed Supercuts employee that I met on my first day there told me, when I asked her what a visitor should do for fun in Denver: “we have an amusement park by a stadium.” Wow. So does Louisville, and Tampa…and Wildwood. Yippie!
Have a great trip.
Wow…you're such a misinformed idiot. You went to Denver and only observed anything that the idiot tourists see. It's like when you make fun of people who only check out the Liberty Bell in Philly (although that may be because there pretty much isn't anything else to see there except depression).
Actually the event is being held at the Gothic Theater in Englewood, which is nowhere near LoDo (Which most locals think is overrated so we all hang out in Highlands, Baker, River North or Ballpark). And I don't know where this asshole gets that we're not into the mountains. Most Denverites head to the mountains regularly. I was just skiing up there myself last weekend. But we also have many outdoor opportunities within the city. People kayak on South Platte River rapids, hike in natural areas and parks throughout the city and bike on our extensive urban trail system. But we also have lots of things to do within the city itself and none of those things involve snow stoning people just because they happen to support another sports team.
The best thing about Denver is that we have promise and potential. Unlike all those post-industrial Eastern cities that will slowly decay into nothing, Denver is a growing, vibrant, entrepreneurial community. That's why we have a dozen microbreweries and distilleries right in the city, why we're building infrastructure like light rail (and at least our transit doesn't sound like it's also our sewer) to make our city even more accessible, why we have people who visit the city and like it so much they stay. In 25 years Denver will still be an exciting, growing city and Philly, well you'll be a lot dustier.
Apparently, “Name,” (nice thoughtful moniker there), if you are representative of your city, Denver is a city without much of a sense of humor. If you read the initial post, and the response, they are both “smackdown” in a light tongue in cheek way. Nice choice of the nuclear option response on your part.
And you are wrong about your facts on Philadelphia; while there are many postindustrial decaying cities, Philadelphia is not among them. And we have more than 12 microbreweries in our area. So there. Lighten up.
Russ, nice tasteful tee you're wearing there, dude. Bet it works like a real chick magnet. No wonder you Denver guys have to go out to the rural areas to do it with the livestock.
Goodtimes, I can't make it to Denver this weekend so you'll have to kick Russ' and Name's asses for me..
What is this obsession that Denver has with hiking!?! If “good hiking” is one of your city's attributes then you lose. The same goes for tubing, strolling or galavanting.
Thanks, “Name,” that was a fun read.
It is SO cute that you think Denver has tourists! Besides, I only commented on the things that Russ mentioned as Denver highlights….so what else do you have for us? What else IS there to do in Denver that Johnny Goodtimes can't do in Omaha? Apparently your answer can not be “hold a Geek Bowl or Quizzo event” because that has to happen in suburban Englewood. Right?
So, step it up. Tell us about your Art Museum…we sure don't have any of those. Tell us about your Cherry Creek and the Platte with a bike/jogging trail along it…we don't have miles of that along our Schuylkill River, either.
Neighborhoods? I've been to your obviously-named-by-a-realtor area “River North,” so I know that it is an industrial district with 3 artists and 1 cool building. Here we'd call that “1 single block in numerous parts of the city.” This “Ballpark” (another great unique name!) that you mention isn't its own neighborhood, but an extension of LoDo, isn't it? It is. Highland = also not very special.
Want to talk about Denver cuisine? You'll probably just end up mentioning Mexican food, which is from Mexico and not from Denver. Thanks for dropping Quizno's on us, too, by the way. Oh, and lots of cities have a dozen or more microbreweries in town…including Philadelphia.
I should mention that I've been out there 3 times in the past 2 years, spending a significant amount of time in various parts of town with locals…which makes me a VERY misinformed idiot.
Haha..But look who won Geek Bowl. Denver proud and true! Johnny Goodtimes et al. did well and came in 4th place, but two Denver teams and a team from *gasp* Albuquerque beat the Philly team for the money.
Thanks for playing though. You guys were all a lot cooler than we expected and you're welcome back anytime.