As every woman I’ve ever hit on knows, I was a dolphin trainer in Hawaii for 3 years. While living in Hawaii, I was good friends with another trainer named Justin from Denver. And when the Broncos went to the Super Bowl against the Falcons in ’99, he needed someone to bet against. Well, we were pretty sauced by kickoff, so I told him that if he gave me the points I would bet him. The deal: loser had to write the winning teams name in the black lava with coral rocks…while wearing a woman’s bathing suit. Needless to say, I lost (above).

Well Justin and I have remained friends through the years, and when the matchup of Rockies-Phillies came up, I got a phone call. The deal breaks down thusly: If the Phillies win, he has to stand on the side of the road and write “Phillies #1” in coral rock while wearing a woman’s bathing suit. If the Rockies win, I have to hold up a sign in front of Pat’s and Geno’s that read’s “Rockies Rule” while wearing a woman’s bathing suit. In other words, if the Phillies lose this series, I’m going to get my ass kicked in front of Pat’s and Geno’s. Today’s game is a must win.

Today in Dan Gross’s column he talks about a couple of people I’ve never heard of breaking off their engagement. Ok, sure, but then there is this: The pair had dated several years and were engaged in March on the Wachovia Center court during a Sixers/Celtics game when Bell was to interview the winner of a mascot race and the winning mascot pulled off his helmet and proposed to her. Awesome! Fair warning to any female who thinks she has a chance to marry me: If I ever ask you to go on a trip to Milwaukee, then we go to a baseball game, then I excuse myself, and then you see a giant chorizo running towards you with a rose and tiny black box in his hand, prepare to say “yes”. Or, even better, “no”. Because there is nothing funnier than a heartbroken chorizo.

Yeah, Tuesday got a little wild, but I did only end up doing one mind eraser, and a few more shots. But I was able to get out of bed before 3 p.m. the next day. The Narcotyzing Dysfunktion, meanwhile, had been saving up gift certificates for like a year and spent, I think, $560 worth of gift certificates Tuesday night. Pretty incredible. I wasn’t sure, but I thought I saw a few of them with a decent buzz.

1. What was the name of Will Smith’s first solo album?

2. J-Roll became the 3rd shortstop in MLB history to record 30 homers and 30 stolen bases in a season. One is still a ML star, the other one retired in 2004 after playing for the same team for 19 years. Who are they?

3. This future president was an illiterate tailor in Tennessee in the 1820s when his future wife taught him how to write.

4. In what important document would you find the words, “We pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor”?
a) Declaration of Independence b) Gettysburg Address c) Magna Carta d) US Constution

5. How far is it from the bowling foul line to the front pin?
a) 50 feet b) 60 feet c) 70 feet d) 80 feet

6. In this popular Nintendo game, Bill Rizer and Lance Bean fight Red Falcon terrorists on the island of Galuga.

Continue reading “Things we learned last week” →

-Rush Limbaugh calls soldiers who don’t support the war “phony soldiers”. What does that make people who get out of fighting because they have a cyst on their ass?

–Alyssa Milano says she’s done dating athletes, I have not played organized sports since I was 18; she was on “Who’s the Boss, I used to watch “Who’s the Boss”; she was in “Poison Ivy”, poison ivy gives me a terrible rash; Hmmmm, I hate to use the term “match made in heaven” but I think we may be on to something here.

-George Bush, in an effort to get his approval ratings under 25%, vetoes a bill that would help the poor get healthcare. \

-Chip Chantry tonight at Helium. 8 p.m. Be there.

-Attention bars: If you plan on carrying today’s game, please CUT OFF THE CLOSED CAPTIONING! I mean, if someone deaf comes in the bar, sure, you can cut it back on, but otherwise, keep it off! Nobody cares what the morons calling the game say, especially if the words are blocking the action on the screen, which they always do. Man, that drives me crazy!