Phillies trade Tom Gordon for batting tee

In an effort to lower the team’s ERA, the Phils have decided to trade Tom Gordon to a tee ball team in Newark, Delaware, in exchange for a tee. “We felt like we needed to upgrade our bullpen, and we think that acquiring this tee does that,” said general manager Pat Gillick. The Ducks of the Newark tee ball league were overjoyed by the trade. “We think that Tom will be teach some of the younger players the difference between 3rd base and the pitching rubber,” said Slim Widgeon, coach of the Ducks. “More importantly, in tee ball, the pitcher doesn’t have to actually pitch, so we don’t think that Tom will be able to hurt us in that department.”

The move was seen as a PR move by the Phils, as the tee has never beaten it’s wife or set any Venezuelans on fire. The Phillies also traded Antonio Alfonseca to the Philadelphia Fringe Festival for an interpretive dancer who specializes in “bringing moonbeams to life.”

Sports shorts

-This amazing sentence comes from LJ Smith: This is a big test for me to see where my groin’s going to be. Um, LJ, you’re groin is going to be in the same place it always was. Or do some U.S. Americans not have groins? Oh, and I love the fact that today in Philly the most blue collar, football crazy hardasses will be spending their afternoon discussing another man’s groin.

-This just in: There is no such thing as momentum. The Phillies since sweeping the Mets: 2-3. The Mets since being swept: 5-0. And oh, by the way, if we do make the playoffs and Cole doesn’t come back, what would be our three man rotation? Kendrick, Lohse, Moyer? Wow.

-Chipper Jones had this to say after last night’s loss: Waaaaaaaa! I want my binkie! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

-The feud between Comcast and the Big Ten Network over who gets to show Big 10 games is getting pretty heated. Always fun to see heavyweights mixing it up.

-Speaking of heavyweights, the annual showdown between Temple and Buffalo, by far the two worst teams in D-I college football, takes place this weekend. And for the first time since 1793, Temple is favored to win a football game.

Around the Horn, brought to you by the Birthday boy!

-I saw a picture of Natalie Portman and I thought she had a log neck, so then I started thinking about the women in Myanmar who wear neck rings. So I looked them up, and it turns out that their necks aren’t elongated at all, because that is impossible. It just pushes their clavicles down.

–Jessica Pressler, who is probably most famous (or infamous) in Philly for the renowned 6th Burrough article, is moving to, where else, Brooklyn. I don’t know what number borough that is, but as a fan of almost all of the stories she’s written (minus one, ahem), I wish her the best of luck.

–This is great: The Dallas Stars dropped the gloves and took a shot at the NBA referee scandal as part of its campaign to sell seats for the 2007-08 season. A billboard near the American Airlines Center, the building the Stars share with the Dallas Mavericks, carries the message: “The only thing we shave is the ice.”

–On the Road was published on this date 50 years ago. I can honestly say that the book heavily influenced my decision to move to Hawaii. Here is the famous NYT review when the book was released.

-Happy 32nd, Rod!

Question of the week

It was 50 years ago today that the governor of Arkansas stood in the doorway of Central High School to try to defy integration. What was his colorful name?

Where’s Baby Hair wins at the Vous

Why is Baltimore’s team called the Ravens?

Young Old and Restless win at O’Neals

Woodrow Wilson, MIchael Bloomberg, Wolf Blitzer, and Spiro Agnew all went to this Maryland Institution of higher learning.

Pics of last weeks winners

Alright, since I’m kicking it in a Panera Bread Company in Maryland, questions under pics of the winners will be about Maryland. Last week, nobody answered “In what movie will you hear the song, Three Little Birds?” The answer was Shark Tales.

Headin’ on back

Yo peeps. I’m kicking it in Salisbury, working on my column. Then I’ll finish the trip to Philly. Pretty good weekend at home, though I extended my “never making out with a bridesmaid at a wedding” streak. It was my step-sisters wedding, and it was a lot of fun. I spent the next day recovering from my hangover (I caught no women, but I caught a pretty good buzz). Labor Day, I just chilled out on my sisters beach, then we had some fresh crabs for dinner (that’s my uncle and my dad emptying the crab pot, above). Then I went to a buddies house and recorded a rap song. It’s dope. Hopefully, you’ll hear it before too long. I’ll post pics of winners as soon as I finish my Metro column.