Phillies trade Tom Gordon for batting tee

In an effort to lower the team’s ERA, the Phils have decided to trade Tom Gordon to a tee ball team in Newark, Delaware, in exchange for a tee. “We felt like we needed to upgrade our bullpen, and we think that acquiring this tee does that,” said general manager Pat Gillick. The Ducks of the Newark tee ball league were overjoyed by the trade. “We think that Tom will be teach some of the younger players the difference between 3rd base and the pitching rubber,” said Slim Widgeon, coach of the Ducks. “More importantly, in tee ball, the pitcher doesn’t have to actually pitch, so we don’t think that Tom will be able to hurt us in that department.”

The move was seen as a PR move by the Phils, as the tee has never beaten it’s wife or set any Venezuelans on fire. The Phillies also traded Antonio Alfonseca to the Philadelphia Fringe Festival for an interpretive dancer who specializes in “bringing moonbeams to life.”