Darth Ern Gives his two cents on Primaries

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Part 1 – Rankings
1. Dwight Evans-No one has said a bad thing about Evans (Maybe because he’s so far down in the Polls) but I find nothing objectionable about him.
2. Tom Knox – I know. I know. Backstabber! Nasty! Worst dye job in the History of Mankind. He’s not the second best candidate. He’s (alas) the fourth least objectionable.
3. Tie Bob Brady & Chaka Fattah-One says he will. The other ain’t saying. But they’ll both raise taxes. Brady to pay for patronage; Fattah to pay for votes.
5. Last and least-Michael Nutter. The Drive-By Media endorsed him. STRKE ONE! The Business Killing Smoking Ban.
STRIKE TWO! He’ll raise Taxes too. These people can’t help themselves. STRIKE THREE! You’re Out!

Part 2 – Handicapping
The Socialists will vote for Nutter.
The Unions will vote for Brady
The others:
Whites – Knox
Blacks – Fattah and Evans

Part 3 – Prediction
18% to 24% of living voters will vote.
100% of dead voters will vote.
Brady’s in charge of the Vote Counters Hence he’ll get all the dead votes ergo he will win the Primary!

Part 4 – Other
The four Republicans still living in Philly will vote for What’s-His-Face AKA The Other Guy

I never thought I’d say this, but: Bring Back Ed Wade!!!

Food for thought: Utley, Howard, Rollins, Hamels, and Myers are all Wade guys. Ryan Franklin, Rod Barajas, Adam Eaton, and Arthur Rhodes are all Pat Gillick guys. Oh, and Gillick traded Bobby Abreu for Matt Smith and a bag of baseballs. That one is working out well.

And I hate to complain after a win but the intricacies of the double switch once again confounded bonehead Charlie. Brett Myers batted 2nd in the 9th inning (when the game was still 6-3). That being said, I am more than happy to have the starters go 7 every game and Myers pitch the last two. Screw the middle relievers. Seriously, Myers has a strong arm.. Let him pitch the final two innings of every close game.

Quick notes

-Slight correction: I know I said that the winner of city vs. city smackdown would get $950. Actually, I forgot we’re giving away $150 prize for 2nd. Winner can win $800. Still not a bad day at the races.

-A couple of people are heading with me to ballpark tomorrow, including the lovely Ginger. The Riversharks are currently 3-1. That’s right, this is your chance to see a local team above .500!!! Weather forecast is 80 degrees with a slight breeze,and the stadium is widely considered one of the best in minor league baseball. Just call out of work and watch some 11 a.m. baseball. Don’t be a jerk. Holla at me if you wanna go.

-I do have tix on sale for the bowling party. They are going quick. I think this thing is gonna sell out before Friday, b/c you couldn’t get into an all you can drink bowling party with 2 DJs for $10 in the midst of the Great Depression. Anyway, you can buy your tix from me at quizzo or get them here.

–Alcohol makes your brain smaller, which makes quizzo kind of ironic. Let’s shrink our brains tonight!

Tower Pizza

After Bards quizzo last night, me and my man DJ headed over to a prime pizza late night spot in CC West, Tower Pizza. Tower is famous for one reason: it is open until 4 am. I don’t know of any other pizza places that can make that claim (What time does Lorenzo’s close? 3 or 4?) Anyways, here was DJs take:
One of the most predominant items visible on Tower Style Pizza’s hanging menu is a cornucopia – and fittingly so. The pizza shop, located on 20th street between Walnut and Sansom, is packed to the gills with a variety of pizza flavors, mixed decor, and a drink selection that rivals that of your local food mart. To top it off they keep their doors open until just about sunrise, allowing the masses to reap the benefits of greasy pizza goodness until 4am.

Tower’s setup is a little bit all over the place. Greek posters, nostalgic World Trade Center photos, and two rabbit-ear laden televisions are crammed into a smallish 20 foot wide sit-down joint pumping middle-eastern music. I’m still a little bit intrigued by their illuminated advertisement for a cheese and pineapple platter, but I’ll dare to sample that when Johnny goes on a city-wide dairy and fruit review.

Despite a menu boasting a dozen or more pizzas, late night selection was slim between sausage, pepperoni, and buffalo chicken. I grabbed a slice of pepperoni (@ ~$2.35) and wasn’t blown away. The thin crust was solid, but the general flavor wasn’t overwhelmingly notable. Service was quick, polite, and friendly, but hardly made up for a relatively mediocre slice. Table napkins were sparse despite the slight greasiness, but garlic and parmesan were plentiful throughout. The latter I encourage to help get through the pizza.

Far more impressive than the pizza was the supplementing beverage collection. Seldom do you find two cases filled with regular and diet sodas, root and birch beers, flavored teas, and energy waters in such a small shop. With the overstock of drink racks stacked literally to the ceiling, locals should keep Tower Style Pizza in their sights should the need arise for a downtown nuclear fallout shelter

Tower Style Pizza’s most defining attribute is not their pizza, decor, or their barricade of beverages, but their accessibility. Average pizza can taste like a 4-roni award winner when you’re stumbling home loaded from the bar at two in the morning. The fact that Tower gives you two more hours to wander around downtown before they close up shop is pure gold. Just remember you’ll need to be mildly drunk to shell out almost 3 bucks for a slice. 2.5 roni’s for dinner, 4 roni’s if you’re destroyed at 3am.

Yeah, my thoughts were similar. The place is kind of weird. Definitely set up for a late night crowd. The pizza was decent. I had a pepperoni slice and a buffalo chicken slice ($3). They were not at all greasy,and neither were they too dry, which was good. Neither blew me away, but they would have been perfect had I been plastered. If you desperately need a slice at 3 am, this place is more than suitable, but I wouldn’t get a dinner slice here. And if you need 325 bottles of Pennsylvania Dutch Birch Beer in a jiffy, this is definitely your spot.

Bounty on Jams Tonight

I’m throwing an extra $20 in the pot to anyone who can beat the Jams at the Rendezvous tonight. Kickoff is at 6:15 p.m.

Would you throw #756 back?

Barry Bonds is just 11 homers away from the record, and guess where he’s playing in about three weeks? That’s right, the Illadelph. So the question must be asked, “What would you do if you caught Bonds 755th or 756th home run?” Of course the easy answer is keep it and sell it. You’d make a couple hundred thousand, and that would great. But this is baseball, and here is your chance to become a part of baseball lore. If you were the guy who hated Bonds so much that you didn’t want the filthy money that came from that ball and threw it back onto the field, your name would live in baseball infamy forever, and certainly Philadelphia infamy forever. You would go from being some schmuck who was in the right place in the right time to being a national hero. Would anyone give that a thought, or is it all about the Benjamins?

Rumors

There are rumors that Chip Chantry and I will be reuniting in a couple of weeks for a one time only Wheel of Terrific reunion. These rumors are absurd. Chip and I had a huge falling out after the Wheel of Terrific was taken off the air. I blamed us getting fired on him (he was repeatedly showing up for performances high on glue) and he blamed it on me (I spoke in broken Japanese throughout every show). So no, we will certainly not be reuniting for a one time only performance of the Wheel of Terrific. That’s just stupid.
RELATED: Chip reviews album covers in this weeks Philadelphia Weekly.

Meet Joe and Dante

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Wanted you guys to meet Joe, a local guy who is in the Big Brothers Program. I sent him a few questions about his experience and he answered them in a couple of paragraphs that I think you guys should read.
I joined the program 18 years ago as a little. My big brother (Chas) and I were matched when I was ten or eleven and have remained very close ever since. We still get together two or three times a month and have a great time. I lost my father when I was four to a car crash and my mother thought a male role model was important, and it was. Chas has been a father, brother, mentor, best friend and more. Which brings me to why I joined. I have had a great life so far and having Chas has had a great impact on me. So, now it’s time that I give back and help someone as much as I have been helped. I love kids and the BBBS program, so it was only natural I join and help out as much as I can. I was ready for the challenge last year, when I joined as a big. There are good days with my little and there are bad days with my little (Dante). The challenge is there and now I know what Chas was talking about when he said its not always easy. But we have fun and do things we both like doing. I show him things he might not get to see on his own and we share alot of laughs, good times and quality learning time. It’s not just him learning from me. It’s me learning just as much because he is so unique. I think that is what makes the program so great. Being a little brother was great, but the other side of the coin is even better. Watching Dante do something for the first time or hearing him tell a story or just having some good laughs is the most rewarding thing to me. Watching him smile and grow is the core of why I think people join. Knowing that you had a little to do with that process is one of the greatest feelings ever!

I have been blessed with experience at BBBS. I can tell you how rewarding it is only because I been apart of it. It does take hard work and dedication, but it is all worth it.

Quit making excuses and make a difference!

City vs. City Smackdown news

Here’s the latest: Several of the invited teams are in, including Sofa Kingdom, the Jams, and the Champs. I am still waiting to hear back from several, such as MAGMA and the Satan’s Minions. Rembrandt’s top team is also expected to attend. How can you get an invite? Simple. Win this week. Any team that pulls off a victory this week gets an automatic invite. The event takes place at Rembrandt’s on May 14th at 7:30 p.m. The winner will walk with $500, 2nd place gets $250. If you defeat all of the teams in all the other cities, you walk with another $450. Entry is $10 a person. The schedule is as follows:

Tuesday
O’Neals 8 p.m.
Bards 10 p.m.
Wednesday
Rendezvous 6 p.m.
Black Sheep 8 p.m.
Thursday
Good Dog 8 p.m.
Bards 10 p.m.

A Night in Jail

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Well, it looks like America’s favorite racist drunken whore (sorry Lindsay Lohan) is heading to the clink. And we here at JGT headquarters couldn’t feel worse about it. Fortunately, I’ve heard that being a person of extreme privilege goes over really well in jail.
RELATED: This whole thing has inspired me. Let’s have some fun with words! A shiv (from the Romani word chiv) is a slang term for a sharp or pointed implement used as an improvised knife-like weapon…A related term is shank or shift. While the words are used interchangeably, the difference is that a shank is a type of shiv that is fashioned from the metal shank of a prison-issued boot or shoe. Since inmates were able to fashion effective shivs out of metal shanks, most (if not all) prisons no longer issue footwear with metal shank…Shank is sometimes also used as a verb, meaning “To stab someone, usually with a shiv, multiple times in a quick succession.” (Wikipedia. Photo courtesy of Numbmonkey)