The Scissors Heard Round the World: 66th seed Johnny Goodtimes emerges as Philly’s RPS Champ

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Buster Douglas over Mike Tyson. ‘Nova over Georgetown. The Miracle on Ice. Most arguments about the greatest upsets in the history of sports center around these seminal events. But barber shop debates are a little livelier this Monday morning, as a new contender for “Greatest Upset Ever” has emerged: Johnny Goodtimes, a lowly 66 seed, knocked off the top three seeds in succession to walk away as the champion of the Pabst Blue Ribbon Philadelphia Rock Paper Scissors City League Championship Series (or PBRPRPSCLCS for short). The champ, who earned $1000 for his expertise and skill, explained his inspiring win. “It was an almost religious experience, where my mind wasn’t leading my body, but my body was leading my mind. I was in a state of zen, where everything I did seemed pre-ordained, and where I simply followed my destiny to the summit of my awesomeness.”

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After a win over an 18 seed in round one, Johnny faced the #3 seed, (and the highest seeded female) My Fingers Make Me Happy, in round two. Johnny made sure that her fingers made her sad. He then advanced to the sweet 16, where he faced the number one seed in the whole tourney, the Paper Tiger. Johnny G., who was wearing a t-shirt with the likeness of his boyhood hero Ric Flair, and who was also emceeing the event, told the erstwhile regular season champ that, “To be the Man, you gotta beat the Man!” But JGT seemed to be over his head, and soon found himself one throw away from elimination. The crowd, not amused by Johnny’s brash persona, chanted “Pa-per Ti-ger! Pa-per Ti-ger!” All seemed lost. However Johnny, like a one legged blind climber on Everest who has run out of oxygen, but who must…continue…onwards, perservered, and pulled off a shocking come from behind victory. A hushed silence fell over the shocked audience. Johnny, angry by the lack of respect he was being shown by the crowd, did what any great champion under these circumstances would have done: He shot the crowd the double bird.

Having knocked off the Nemean Lion and the Cerynian Hind, Goodtimes’ Herculanean task got no easier. He now had to face a Lernaean Hydra who went by the name of Frankie 13. Frankie thought he could shake Philly’s favorite quizmaster, but when all was said and done, Cinderella was still dancing, and a power outage had the clock stuck at 11:59. (That was a fictional analogy. The good people at PECO had the energy buzzing in full force all night long.)
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It was now down to four competitors, and Goodtimes warned his final four opponent, Vertical Paper, that “If he wants to ride on Space Mountain, he needs to walk that line.” Vertical Paper was cut to shreds by Johnny’s Horizontal Scissors, and it was now down to two: JGT and the Citywide Special (above). The crowd had been whipped into a frenzy by Johnny’s histrionics, and they were desperate for the Citywide Special to shut the mouth of this trash talking juggernaut. Again a chant went up from the crowd, “City-wide Spec-ial” Clap, clap, clap-clap-clap. Johnny won the first match, and cupped his hand to his ear as the crowd booed him lustily. Johnny won again in the 2nd match. At this point it was becoming plain to see that David had his slingshot aimed perfectly at Goliath’s forehead, his rock a lethal pebble, his scissors a bloody dagger, his paper a three ring binder of doom (Please, I’m trying to write this at 2:30 in the morning while drunk, so please give me some leeway if the analogies I just wrote make no sense at all). Round Three went to the Special, but in Round Four Goodtimes took the gold and dropped to the floor, his arms raised to the heavens, his disappointing 2nd place finish at last months Intercourse Rhubarb Pie Bake-Off now nothing more than a distant memory.
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“That wasn’t a man out there tonight playing rock paper scissors,” said an exuberant Goodtimes as he collected his earning from league organizer and RPS legend C. Urbanus (above). “That was a modern incarnation of Zeus, heaving thunderbolts at foes armed only with fingers. I think that, from this day forward, Johnny Goodtimes will be to the Rock Paper Scissors community what Anthony Dimeo is to the local blueberry community: Simply the best.”

The crew moved to The Dive for a post-game celebration, where JGT, well known for being insufferably cheap, actually bought the house a round (below).

Johnny’s newfound status as Philadelphia’s Rock Paper Scissors champion has, as of press time, still not gotten him laid.
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