And the Winner of the Rant Contest Is…

Going to be announced in just a few short moments. Wanna thank everybody who sent in their rant. I have come to a conclusion, aided by my two esteemed judges who shall remain nameless to protect their identities. OK, so one of them was Trivia Art. Well, we contemplated and argued and came up with what we thought were the best three. The 3rd place one is a thinly veiled assault at me, since I use Tabasco on everything I eat. It comes via the Prez. The 2nd place one was sent in by Hope. She gets the $15 gift certificate to Good Dog. And the first place one was sent in by…quick announcement, the Blue Method is playing at the Pontiac tonight at 10. I hear they rock. Seriously. Oh, and the winner was Rob. He gets the aquarium tix. Click on continue to read the rants.

#1 Rob
So now I can take a 4-inch knife onto an airplane. Great. That’s what I need when I’m going to visit my retired parents in Florida. After all, my mother has been hocking me — “Your father & I need some new knives. Bring some when you visit.” A 4-inch knife. I don’t know about you, but I can’t get through a 2 hour flight without breaking out my blade & cutting some vegetables or perhaps etching my name on the seat in front of me. “Robert was here @ 40,000 feet.” Or maybe I can use my screwdriver. It’s a good thing I am now allowed to carry on a screwdriver — you never know when the crew may need some airplane maintenance done on the fly. Well, at least thank goodness, the FAA in their infinite wisdom still only allows a passenger to carry on two books of matches. Not four. Not three. But two. A maximum of two. What is it that you can’t do with two books of matches that you can do with four? And I wonder; Is that your standard 20-match book of matches or is it any size book of matches. Because I have these books of matches that have about 40 matches in them. And why do you need matches? You
can’t smoke on the plane. You can’t smoke in the terminal. Wouldn’t it just be simpler to have matches available in the terminals near the exits? I know. I can bring a hot plate. I can put it together with my screwdriver, chop & stir the food with my knife, & heat it up with my matches. Instead of buying one of those boxed lunches I can do it myself & save a bundle, without fear of being imprisoned in Guatanamo Bay.

#2 Hope
Why is it that Hallmark can make a Christmas card for your brother’s ex-girlfriend’s sister’s dog, but they have the same 4 friggin Hannukah cards since 1977? I can buy a nice and completely appropriate Christmas card for my catholic step-cousin- that even says “for my Catholic step cousin” but I had to buy the same card for my grandmother every year for the last decade. It’s not like I’m looking for some too specific. Just a little variety. You have 8 rows of red and green cards for every possible Christian situation, but the Jews get a half-rack of blue off to the side that hasn’t seen new inventory since disco was new. What gives? And while we’re at it- why do we have these damn colors anyway? Go into any card store in December and it looks like rival gangs are staging a turf war. You have a sea of the green and red, a corner of blue and a smidge of black, red and green-which just comes off as an edgier Christmas. It’s the only time of year where you can tell someone’s religion by the color of an envelope.

#3 Prez
You know those people. Everywhere they go, from McDonalds to Tavern on the Green they ask for one thing…”Excuse me sir, would you happen to have any hot sauce I can put in this clam chowder…it’s a bit bland.” They put it on everything…pizza, fries, eggs, hasbrowns, Ronnie burgers, hotdogs, wings, hotpockets, even sushi. That’s right, sushi.

Seriously, once you slather that cheese sandwich up with habanero sauce you’ll never be able to taste the hint of vanilla in that creme brule ever again. It’s a shame. A god damn crying shame.

And by the way, I don’t want any bogus, either fake or scalped tickets to some two bit aquarium with a few jellfish and a blue crab either. I mean really, some tix to see the Sixers maybe, but a day out at the Adventure Aquarium in Camden? If you call getting carjacked and then mugged whilst walking home an adventure, Camden is the place for you. Why don’t I just quit my job, become homeless and start slinging crackrock on the streets while I’m at it. After an afternoon in Camden I’ll have developed all the skills one needs to enter into a life of crime. Get ‘effin real.