Month: January 2005

Beware My Wrath!!! by Bobby Badtimes

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Alright, 2005 is here, and I’m already pissed off. First of all, Philadelphia Weakly has gotten so pathetic it hardly even seems worth mentioning. I mean, the cover story, the cover story is about a horny Asian kid with a video camera!!! That’s it!!! That’s the whole story! I just gave away the plot and the ending! I’m not kidding! There’s nothing else to it!!! There’s an asian kid who likes Italians and has a video camera, and he sometimes go to Delilah’s. If you read the entire story and can glean any more information than what I’ve just given you, I’ll buy you a beer. Un-freaking-believable. The only thing that the Weakly has going for it is Jessica Pressler, and she’s currently getting sued by some blueberry heir for a million dollars because she teased him in her article. What? You can’t sue somebody for hurting your feelings, jerk-off!!! In return for you being such an idiot, I’m calling on all Johnny Goodtimes fans to stop eating blueberries. The great Blueberry Boycott of 2005 has begun! Spread the word. Boy, those people in charge of college football sure know what they’re doing, don’t they? I mean, first this BCS system they come up with works like a charm, as only three teams finish the season undefeated, and then they think that football fans just can’t get enough Ashlee Simpson. What? How about a Wham! reunion at next year’s Orange Bowl? I’m sure football fans would love it. Oh, and here’s a piece of advice for everybody: If you’re sort of casually dating someone for a couple of months, don’t bother getting them a cheesy personalized gift as sort of a cute gag. Because that will be roughly the time they stop returning your calls and then you’re stuck with a crappy mug with this girl’s name on it serving as a reminder of what a hosebag you are every time you have a cup of coffee. At least that’s what I hear. My name is Bobby Badtimes, Beware my Wrath!!!

P.S. You don’t think that blueberry dude can sue me for calling him a jerk-off, do you?

Oh, and one more thing

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I feel bad about having ripped PhilaWeakly without giving due time to their brethren at City Paper. Namely music editor Patrick “He’s the DJ, I’m the” Rapa. Here’s what “He’s the DJ, I’m the” Rapa recently had to say about the Roots latest album: Look, we know you’re not out there blingin’ and bangin’, but some of that ol’ gritty, preachy magic was missing from The Tipping Point. Maybe you’ve lost touch a little? Maybe you’re too happy? It was interesting that Rapa decided to write that, because it gave away the fact that he obviously never listened to the album!

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Philly still phat!

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Philadelphia got named 2nd fattest city in the country by Men’s Fitness magazine, which I would not have believed had I not gone to Walmart on Delaware Ave. yesterday. It was there that I saw like four people riding around in those carts to shop, not because they were old or handicapped, but because they were just too damn fat to walk. Don’t worry, gang, motorized carts will burn off those pounds in no time.

Fly Eagles Fly overcome TO’s Broken Bones

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Fly Eagles Fly, a team that named itself before the Bengals game, was able to knock off the 2nd place TO’s Broken Bones at Doc’s on Monday. But due to an unexplained mishap, Trivia Art took a photo of Bones instead of the Eagles. Then, due to an unexplained mishap, Art forgot to use the flash. Sadly, due to an unexplained mishap, Artie “fell” off the Ben Franklin Bridge “just before I could save him” said sole eyewitness Johnny Goodtimes. “Johnny would be a suspect, because the whole thing seems fishy,” said police chief Snidely Whiplash. “But we have a longstanding policy against detaining international megastars.”