Johnny’s Having a Party!

tribeccalogo.gifHey gang, just letting you know I’ll be having a “Playa Appreciation Party” for everyone who plays quizzo-and you and any friends you want to bring are all invited! Here’s the situation: The party will be held Saturday, March 6th. Admission is free and there is an open bar (free booze) from 10-12. The party will be held at Tribecca, which is located at the corner of Richmond and Cumberland Streets (map below). Please e-mail me ASAP, and leave me the names of you and any friends you have that would like to come. I have 125 openings, so it is first come, first serve. Just Thanks, and I hope to see you all there!

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Nation of Quizlam Beaten by Dwarf

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Yonah and the Small Balls were able to escape from Nick’s with a narrow victory after, holding true to form, the Nation of Quizlam choked in the final round. Needing only to name the seven dwarves to force an overtime, the Nation could not get Sneezy. And to make matters worse, the mistake left them out of the money, as Hinkley’s Cold Storage finished second.

It Our Time Wins; Johnny Villified By Press

nicks_02_19 (Custom).JPGIn a scathing article three weeks ago, Johnny Goodtimes claimed that the City Paper was satisfied with being second best. He was eating those words on Wednesday, as staff members of the City Paper won at both Black Sheep and Nick’s. Johnny, who claims he was misquoted (which doesn’t make much sense, since he wrote the article), was humiliated after the events. To further discredit the Quiz Doctor, City Paper revealed it’s cover for next week’s paper (below).

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This Quizzo’s Harder than MJ at Disneyland Wins

doc_watsons_02_16 (Custom).jpgAfter three rounds, Quizzo’s Harder than Michael Jackson at Disneyland and the Clinical Pearl Necklace were tied at 51 at Doc Watson’s on Monday. But any chance the Necklaces had to win were shot when the Quizzo’s scored forty in the final round to take the title. Michael Jackson, meanwhile, was furious at the team name, because “it implies something sexual. When I hide behind trees at Disneyland and stare at children, it isn’t sexual. It’s because I’m creepy.”
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Lucy in the Sky in Jersey

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I felt like an astronaut in the 1960’s, the time ticking down until I was to rise into the great unknown. But while they were going to be rising into the infinite expanse of space, I was to be going up into the body of an enormous wooden elephant, thus making this one of the worst analogies ever.
Being a hustler myself, I can certainly appreciate the entrepreneurial vision of James Vincent de Paul Lafferty, Jr. Owning a number of lots in Margate, N.J., he realized that the best way to get people to buy these undeveloped parcels of land was to negotiate with them inside a giant elephant. So in 1881, he had Lucy constructed for the unheard of sum of $25,000. He would take prospective buyers onto the elephants back, so they could look around and figure out which lot they wanted to buy.
Our tour guide, a teenager named Heather, led us up the remarkably steep staircase located inside one of Lucy’s legs. At the bottom of the stairs was the old ticket booth, where people 100 years ago had payed ten cents to go into Lucy. Over the previous century, ticket prices had soared with inflation, and we had to pay the unheard of sum of $4.00! But once inside the exquisite beast, we realized that it had been money well spent. A beautiful wooden floor, a skylight, and the original bathtub(used when a physician lived here in 1902) highlighted the belly of the beast.
Other elephants were built in the 1880’s (the heyday of enormous elephant buildings), one in the middle of a giant marsh in Cape May, which somehow didn’t make it (you’d think a giant elephant out in the middle of the marsh would be a big money bonanza), and a colossus (122 ft tall!) on New York’s Coney Island, which caught fire and fell to the ground. Lucy certainly had her share of close calls. Lafferty sold the creature in 1887, and in 1903 it was opened as a tavern. In 1904, some drunken jackass knocked over a oil lantern and nearly sent the beast down, to borrow a native New Jerseyite’s term, “In a Blaze of Glory.”
Speaking of drunken jackasses, I had spent the previous three nights getting in a bar brawl at a comedy show in northeast Philly, flirting with older women and hanging out at the “Dizzy Dolphin”with a member of Huey Lewis and the News, and losing money and eating bad food in A.C. So I was refreshed by the kool ocean breeze after climbing onto the howdah, or observatory, on Lucy’s back. Heather informed us that the 65 foot tall elephant had been moved from down the street in 1970, when that property had been sold. There had been a media frenzy, and power and telephone lines were dropped to make way for the beast.
Alas, all good things must end, and it was time to make our way down the dangerous stairs one last time. A tangible feeling of history overwhelmed me, as I thought of the hundrds of people who had certainly tumbled down these very same steps over the years.
It was time to head back to Philly, but first we stop and ate at a little Colombian restaurant down the street from Lucy. I don’t know what the astronauts ate when they returned from space, but I doubt their restaurant had a waitress who spoke almost no English and was as cute as ours.
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Wardrobe Malfunction Indeed!

nicks_02_11 (Custom).jpgThe Wardrobe Malfunction was able to pull off a big 14 point win at Nick’s on Wednesday night. “It was a big win for us,” said former Brat-Packer James Spader (In photo, with Polo sweater and collar up.) As for Spader’s future plans? “My career kind of stalled after the eighties. I’m hoping hanging out with an international megastar like Johnny Goodtimes will get me some ‘ins’ in showbiz.”

Beware My Wrath!

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I didn’t watch the Grammy’s, because they’re so stupid, but they still pissed me off. Who votes on the rap awards, Manny Mainstream? The winners were so pathetic. P. Diddy won one. Come on. P. Diddy is to hip-hop what George Bush is to the environment. Outkast is OK, but there’s no way Speakerboxx is better than The Root’s Phrenology. And while we’re speaking of lack of talent, hey Grammy’s, when you’re going to do a cover of the greatest band EVER (The Beatles), here’s an idea: How about not using Dave Matthews? I wish the Duke student cheering section would go to one of his concerts and repeatedly chant, “Over-Rated!” The reason my ex-girlfriend and I broke up was because she loved Dave Matthews, and I didn’t want to have any potential child of mine being raised around that bulls***. And Vince Gill helped cover the Beatles tune? What??? What are you going to do next year, have Al B. Sure doing a tribute to Dylan? Oh, and a quick message to my washing machine: What the hell is wrong with you? Why can’t you work in the following six hours after someone either takes a shower or goes to the bathroom? There used to be enough water in this house for all of my appliances. I haven’t redirected any pipes, so what the hell happened? Way to go, Philadelphia Magazine, for putting Heather Mitts and A.J. Feeley on your cover. What an inspired choice. How come Johnny Goodtimes can’t get an ounce of ink in this one-horse town while an ex-soccer player and the guy who holds McNabb’s jock get on the cover of every magazine? Saw the movie “Miracle” on Friday night. It was pretty good, but they left out the best Herb Brooks line. With the team trailing Finland by a goal going into the third period of the final game of the ’80 Olympics, Brooks shouted at the team, “If you don’t win this one, you’re going to take it to your graves.” He began to walk out the door, then turned around, stared at his team, and yelled again. “To your f****** graves!” That’s hardcore. Barbershop 2 was the #1 movie in America. Are you kidding me? The first one sucked, and I can’t imagine the sequel being any better. If you want to bash me, please feel free, either on the message board or directly below. Oh, that’s one more thing. You people bust my chops every time I do Quizzo, but then you’re such sissies you won’t put your feelings in writing. Come on! I’m Johnny Goodtimes. Beware My Wrath!