Howard Dean Fires Up Cheez Whiz

You Better Have My Cheez Whiz, led by Howard Dean, won at Nick’s Roast Beef on Wednesday night, but might have damaged their campaign when they allowed Dean to provide an impromptu stump speech at the conclusion of the contest. “After this, we’re going to Doc Watson’s,” the Democratic hopeful screamed, almost maniacally. “Then we’re going to O’Neals, and we’re going to the Bards, and we’re going to win it at Rendezvous, and win at Black Sheep, and then we’ll come back and win at Nick’s again!!!Waaaaaaaaaaaa!

NASA Takes Offense, Exacts Revenge

A team calling itself “One Outta Two Ain’t Bad NASA” won on Monday at Doc Watson’s, leaving NASA incensed. The space agency quickly sent a third rover, this one named “Enforcer,” to the bar. It arrived shortly after the contest ended and zapped team leader Lars Lieberman, killing him instantly. “I can’t believe NASA would act in such a heartless manner,” said team member Stacy Wordsworth. “I mean, we were just kind of playing around with the team name. If we had known it would lead to death and destruction, we probably would have picked a name like the Ponies or something.” NASA faces a $500 fine from the Johnny Goodtimes Ethics Committee.

Beware My Wrath!

By: Johnny Goodtimes
Just wanted to take the time to thank my fans for braving the harsh conditions on Tuesday night to attend Quizzo at O’Neals and the Bards. You guys rock. Now for the bashing. The Oscar nominees were announced on Tuesday, and I’ve got a few opinions. First of all Lord of the Rings was really great, and it deserved to get a lot of nominations. It was also the most homoerotic film I saw all year. Was I the only one who half expected Frodo to turn to Sam when they’re halfway up Mount Doom and say, “F*** this. Let’s grab some brunch and then head to Home Depot.” Master and Commander, which got ten nominations, totally blew. Of course, it didn’t help that I saw it at Cinemagic. That experience was cinetragic. Watching a movie there is probably very similar to watching a movie on a big screen TV in a South Philly crack house, except that I assume the people in the crack house are friendlier than the employees at Cinemagic. The Carolina Panthers are in the Super Bowl, George Bush is our President and the new Ashton Kutcher movie is the #1 film in America. Almost makes you wanna pull a John Walker Lindh. Oh yes, in keeping with our film theme, I ‘d like to take a moment to bash the film reviewers of the Philadelphia Weekly, who have Zoolander, one of the most pathetic pieces of drivel EVER produced, graded higher than Big Fish, which I thought was better than Lord of the Rings. Movie reviewer Sean Burns called Big Fish flavorless. Oh, and he just LOVED Master and Commander. I’d like to see his head on a pike at the gates of the city. And while we’re railing against weeklies, I’d like to take a moment to call out City Paper. Several of their staffers played Quizzo at Nick’s a couple of months ago and finished second. They vowed to return and take over the top spot. They’ve never returned. I guess #2 is good enough for City Paper (it certainly shows in some of the cover stories they’ve run recently.) Am I the only one who thinks this years 76ers are a lot like the war in Irag: Looks good on paper, but in actuality are a complete disaster that we hope will improve if we just keep supporting them? Oh, and tomorrow there will be some new features added to the site, in addition to the winners receiving their proper dose of glory, so be sure to check back. If you want to add your own two cents or bash me, feel free to click on comments and go to town.

Question of the Week

The Old College Try
The Election of 1800 ended in an electoral college tie between what two men?

What are you talking about?

What? You think I forgot to take a picture of “Is That a Barnacle” on Monday after they won Quizzo at Doc Watson’s and just used an old photo of them winning from another bar? Are you out of your mind? That’s ridiculous. Johnny Goodtimes is an infallible pro, and your insinuation that I would make such a stupid mistake fills me with anger. I’m going to have to ask you to leave the room.

The Staff Infects Opponents

The Staff was able to hold off the Nation of Quizlam on Wednesday night at Nick’s Roast Beef. Club 501 finished third. Usually, Nick’s offers a $50 gift certificate for the winner. But in an effort to up the ante even further, Johnny has announced that next week’s winner will go home with a brand new car!**

**This is a lie.

Question of the Week

Not McNabb Who was QB the last time the Eagles won an NFL championship?

Mr. Wahn Fights Through Blizzard for Win

A powerful blizzard blew into Nick’s Roast Beef on Wednesday night, making conditions miserable for the players. “I could barely see my paper,” said Jacques Juicetoe of the second place Flying Monkeys. But Mr. Wahn was able to fight through the miserable conditions and rack up 98 points. “They should really think about putting a retractable dome on this place,” said Chase Halliburton of the Mr. Wahn squad. “I mean my cheese fries were delicious as always, but all that snow made them a little soggy.”

Slow Gin Quiz Pulls Upset

The Slow Gin Quiz was able to knock off Always a Quizzo Bridesmaid with a steady if unspectacular 79-72 win. The team, which is rather accustomed to finishing last, got off to a quick lead and held on in round four. There is a time change this coming week: Watson’s will begin at 8:15 p.m. For teams that might be more clever than smart: Doc Watson’s is the only Johnny Goodtimes Quizzo that offers a gift certificate for best team name.

Controversy, Cute Babes on New Year’s

Johnny’s fortunes took a quick turn for the worse on New Year’s Day, only moments after meeting the cute babes pictured above. After going outside this bar (which we won’t name, but will tell you has been in business for over 140 years) to check his voicemail, the bouncers (shown below) told him that he couldn’t go back in. Despite pleas of “Do you know who I am?” the bouncers held their ground, and now Johnny hopes they are both killed by Al-Quaeda. “That would be great,” said the self-proclaimed King of Quizzo. “My New Years Resolution is to spearhead an effort to get this bar (which I won’t name) closed down. 140+ years is long enough.”
Picture 010.jpg